Children and Parenting

Over the past month I have sat back and really started to look at myself and my parenting.  I have realized that I am very on and off, I am selfish at times and don’t want to do things that my kids want to do. I don’t believe as parents we should always give in and do what our kids want to do, but I think it’s a give and take.  We shouldn’t always say no to having fun, going to the park, watching cartoons, reading etc…with our children because we are tired, or just want to be left alone.  I wanted kids and I thought I would be a different type of mom. At the beginning I was a different mom.  My life rotated around my kids, we were outside a lot, watching T.V., playing in the house, making a mess and then cleaning it up.  I can blame my life, I can say my depression has taken over my life with my kids, my husband’s infidelity, the lack of him being involved to my standards, but is that really fair?  Why point the fingers at someone else for lacking, when I should be the one picking up the slack and doing what other people are not doing.  There are plenty of parents out there, that have no one and they go out of their ways for their kids and at times have to say no, mommy or daddy is tired, let me rest and maybe tomorrow we will do whatever it is.  Kids grow to fast, we want them to hurry up, but then want them to slow down at the same time. 

We as parents also like to judge other parents and the way they parent, I am guilty of it.  I haven’t done it as much anymore, actually I really don’t do it anymore at all.  I realized that I’m not one to talk, my kids are not perfect, and though I’m trashing someone else for the way they parent, my kids do things that I’m sure other parents go wow really how could that mom allow her kid to …. Yesterday I was talking to my kids and we started laughing because my oldest told me, “mom, look my birthday is first and I’m the oldest, then sisters is second and she’s the middle and brothers is last and he’s the youngest.”  I thought wow, that is true that is not how I planned it or anything but their birthdays do fall in the order of their birth.  Well having a SS, they said but his is after all of ours and he’s the oldest, and so the comment was made but that’s not mama’s son, if he was he wouldn’t be so bad, because mommy would spank him until he listened.  And then questions were asked all the way to school, such as mommy how come his mom lets him talk back, why does he think he’s the boss, why can he make decisions, why does she try to say we do things he use to do, when we are not as bad as him, I don’t think he loves his mom because if he did he wouldn’t be so mean to her and at that point I had to stop them and tell them, every parent is different and they allow their kids to do things differently.  I have no clue how to answer some of their questions when it comes to their half-brother, just because I don’t know the answers.  I have been explaining to them that they can talk to me about anything and anyone without repercussions and boy they are. So it makes it really hard because I don’t want to talk about things with them, because I don’t want to say the wrong things, or say something that makes them think its ok, when it’s not.  So I have to figure out the boundaries on this and when it is age appropriate.

Selfishness is a big deal, I have told myself several times, how can you expect your kids not to be selfish if you’re selfish, not to lie when you do, to be honest, when you’re not and to keep their word, when you don’t always keep it yourself.  We are our children’s biggest influence and when we are negative or don’t keep our word, we can’t expect our kids to be the opposite.  My life has been full of selfishness especially when it comes to church and God. I know that it’s ok to make mistakes, and we all do, but we have to say I’m wrong and fix it and attempt not to do it again.  My oldest daughter is questioning if God is real or not.  She has told me she is not sure if she believes in Jesus or heaven and hell. It hurt my heart and i didn’t know what to say or how to deal with it. So i left it alone until we got to church.  I spoke to someone about it, and she made me feel better.  It’s ok for her to question it, she is young, and she will get it, i have laid the foundation and she has to plant her own seed.  The one thing after coming home and researching things about children and God and talking to the faculty at my church last night, most kids question it because they don’t see Jesus walking across the room, or sitting down.  He’s not human form, and that most kids who never question it or wonder is usually because they don’t vocalize it and the reason is because they want mom and/or dad to be happy, so they hold it in and never really say hey, i don’t know if i believe in it.  Also the other big one is do we lead a Godly example to our children. I can say NO i don’t.  I am by far the worse when it comes to that.  I had a conversation with their dad last night about it, and how things have to change when it comes to the way we are.  My children’s salvation is very important to me.  I don’t want to be the reason they question it, but I’m also not one to shove it down their throat, when i see some kids not really want to do it, but they do it to please their parent/s or that is the only time they spend with them in a positive way.

Church is a hard one for me, i love my home church, the pastor has great messages, the worship team is hard for me because i feel like some of them are not so real, they are on stage putting on a show.  So it’s hard for me, but that is something i have to work through with God and myself.  I also have some issues with staff members at the church and it has made me want to not go there, but my kids love that church and they have made connections with people, rather its the staff or other kids they have a love for that church.  I do attend another church, but my kids really hate it. I have asked my oldest why do you tell “T” that you like it, and she said she lied to her because “T” likes the church and so she wants to like it to make “T” happy. I told her no, if you don’t like something tell the truth.  So even though I like the church’s messages so far, i really need to rethink if this is a church to continue going to, mainly because they are not really getting anything out of it.  I can’t be selfish on this one, because i know Jesus is real, but they are young and still learning about him. 

So with the whole I Quit My Life, I also Quit My Parenting (old version).  I have to start a new beginning with my kids.  I love my kids and they deserve a mom who is going to be unselfish, and realize that they are going to grow up and if they fail it’s because of me. I understand that they will be able to change and not make the same mistakes I have made as a mom, but i am setting the foundation and the foundation is what holds everything up, but i also don’t want them grow up saying i wish my mom would have…..I want them to say my mom tried to do the best she could.  No my kids will not always get their way, i will still be strict, but i am going to have to push my rules and stand my ground no matter who is around or what others believe, i have been pretty good on that one, but at times i slack and i don’t follow through.  That has to STOP, i have to ALWAYS follow through.  Do more with my kids, and get over that fear of doing it alone because of what other people might think which is probably nothing negative.  When it comes to church and God, i have to focus on me and my 3 kids and do what i feel is best, and not worry about anyone else any longer, i tend to not go because i think about my husband and what if he wants to come to church, is it to far, or whatever else, there really isn’t a church that is to far for him to go, but i do have to look at times, because he does have to go to work, but most churches have different times to go, i also have to make sure it’s a church my kids are happy with as well as myself.  Going to church last night, and being questioned by my daughter on why someone else didn’t show up and not having the answers, she took it upon herself and called her. I’m not sure what was said, and what all was asked, i didn’t really pay attention, i was walking and it was cold.  When she did get off the phone, she said mommy i hung up on “T’. I said what, so she repeated herself. I said no you didn’t, she said, “yes” i told her, “I’m hanging up now.” I laughed because she didn’t hang up on her, but doesn’t really get the meaning. I was shocked she didn’t ask if i wanted to talk to her.  She said mommy, we should have went and picked up “C” because he wanted to come to church, but his mom didn’t want to bring him.  Why?  I ignored her and didn’t know what to say or how to respond, so i changed it and told her to call her dad real quick.  I am really seeing that my oldest is very curious about everything, and is like a sponge and soaks everything up.  She then kept pressing the issue on why didn’t “T’ bring “C” to church and then said, she should have brought him, he needs to have a better heart.  I continued to let it go and i eventually turned up the radio to get her mind off of it.  But she is right, we as parents sometimes don’t do things because it is not beneficial for us, or because we have a million other reasons not to do it.  Does that make it right?  Should our kids sacrifice time with God or with good role models because of our own selfish reasons?  I don’t know the reasoning on why things happen or don’t happen, all i can do is pray and hope for the best. 

****I know this is long, but i have so much on my mind when it comes to my kids and parenting. What is right for me and my family, may not be right for everyone else.  This is my thoughts and my wants for my kids.  God is a priority to me and if i fail to lead them to him its my fault because i am not giving them the material needed to learn and accept him in their life.  I think for then next few blogs i will be talking about parenting and my kids and things i see and agree or disagree with.******

I Quit My Life

It is so funny that this morning when I woke up and started to drive to church my thoughts were “God, I Quit My Life!!!”  I didn’t know exactly where I was going with that, I just knew that I was tired of my life and they way I was living.  So the pastor at the church I am visiting right now, had an awesome message this week.    Well, no he’s had a few good messages, I feel like he’s just talking to me.  God is telling me start over, let go, breath and move on. I have big plans for you and you won’t let me, because you keep holding on to the negative, the ugly, and that I will never really know the whole truth in my husband’s infidelity so let it go.  MOVE ON!!!!  He’s asking me to allow him to work in me, to give it to him and wait and see.

My marriage and my life, as well as my kids belong to God and his wants in our life.  I have to stop fighting him and just let him take control.  The pastor made a statement last week he said, “Believe it, say it, see it.”  I have to believe that he is going to work in my life and actually say it out loud and I will see the miracles he has in store for me. I have been doing this on my own now for almost 3 years, and my marriage is still terrible, my kids are hurting because of it, and the anger inside of me is killing me.  The thoughts that I have about cheating on him for a few months and flaunting it, is not the way to go. No sin is great then the next and God will not say that because he did it, it is ok for me to go sleep with some other man.  He will punish me for it.  So I have to allow my life to belong to God no matter how hard it is.  Old ways are extremely hard to change.  The Pastor also said that “God is always speaking, but we are not always listening.”  I believe that, because I will get angry or want to send D (my spouse) ugly messages and sometimes they will not go through and I will keep trying over and over again, until it finally goes through, though I hear God saying don’t send it.  I choose to ignore it and do it anyways.  It’s the same when I’m talking a to a friend, sometimes when I’m talking about D, and I’m angry or something sparks a memory, I go off and I hear God saying stop, and I ignore him.  “The higher you want to go, the deeper you need to dig.”-Pastor How true is that statement?  Extremely true.

This is the hardest for me, I trusted him and believed in my D and he betrayed me.  It hurt so deep that I’m not sure if it hurt more because I had so much faith in my marriage that I believed he would never cheat on me, or was it more the embarrassment of it?  The fact that people knew and I didn’t.  The fact that people I told, told others and I am ashamed and humiliated by it.  I know that I can grow from this and move on with the help of God. I am no longer going to allow this to hold me down.  D and I are going to start marriage counseling, I am making the call tomorrow and if he takes it as a joke than that is on him, but I am going to allow God to heal in me.  “God has dreams for me, but I’m not ready for it.”-Pastor.  How true is that?  He has hopes and wants for my life and my future.  “You can go from less than, to more than.”-Pastor.  You just have to believe in it.

 

I have secrets in my heart, things I haven’t discussed, or said to my friends, those who have hurt me and don’t even know it, those who I feel in some way betrayed my trust by going to others.  The fact that I’m keeping it a secret is hurting my heart, but I don’t want to hear excuses or the I didn’t think it would bother you, or the I had to tell someone because….I am going to have to take the time to pray hard about it and allow God to really work in my heart on if I should talk to them about it, or send them a letter (sometimes for me it’s easier to write it then say it).  But one way or the other I have to let it go and allow God to handle it with me or without me.  Either way its his. 

Do You Really Know Me?

I sit back and think how many people really know me?  I don’t think many people really know me and what I am about.  What I believe in and what I like.  I use to think that those that has known me most of my life would know me the best, but I have realized no one really knows me.  Is it because I lose trust in people to fast, or is it because I’m tired of being betrayed that I don’t fully open up to others?  When I do decide to open up to someone they tend to talk to much or tell people things that are not meant for them to tell, rather they find it important or not.  I think I don’t even know who I am any longer.  I have lost who I am these past 9 years of my life and I need to find me again.  But I’m not sure where or how to start?

I have friends and family who really think they know, but they have no idea the things that go through my head, the life that I lived and to be where I am today is a shocker.  I know people think they know me, but they don’t know why I am the way I am, what really shaped me to be the person I was and the person I became.  What is sad is that when I think I can open up to someone, or express my true thoughts, or things that have happened to me or my marriage, they tell other people.  From my childhood to my husband’s infidelity.  When I come to people I expect them to respect me and not tell anyone, yes, some people will ask if its ok to tell their spouse, or whoever it is, and I tell them yes because they have been through it, seen it, or did it themselves and can help me with it or just give me advice on my down days.  But I haven’t been telling anyone anything lately because I don’t trust anyone anymore.  The things I do say or tell others, are things that are on the surface and not what my heart is feeling or going through at that moment.  What a way to live? This may be why I have become so emotional lately, and the small things upset me or makes me cry is because I have everything bottled up inside of me.  I know that it is not good to hold things inside, but what do you do when you don’t trust anyone because they talk?  I think I need to find a therapist that will really listen and read between the lines and give good advice instead of what do you think if you….I don’t know what I think that’s why I am here….

Do people really know my heart and where my faith is right now?  Just because we don’t agree on certain things, because maybe you only know some of the story, or we were raised differently, or because you wouldn’t do it that way or wouldn’t care, does that make me wrong? Does that mean you have the right to think less of me as a person?  Should I be ashamed of what I think or believe and maybe not come to you ever again?

I have always been the person that people would come talk to and I would listen and give my advice if wanted, and was always honest with it, and never judged them or was harsh.  I believe that in any situation if you talk about it and turn to God you can work through it rather its work, friendship, relationships, childcare, family, or life itself.  I also believe that when you find your “go to person” that person should NEVER violate your trust and should always be honest with you and try to be positive in the best way possible without being negative.  But then again that is me. I think that honesty is best and people shouldn’t make excuses for their actions or the reasons they or others are the way they are or to turn it around and say other people do …. as well.  It is invalid because we are not talking about other people we are talking about this situation we are in so why try to make it seem better because others do it as well.  It doesn’t, it makes it worse because you refuse to open your eyes and see the problem you have and refuse to fix so you want to take it off of you.  I am not a person to say well, this happened but oh well, look what this person over there did, or etc…it doesn’t make it right and I still have to look inside my heart and fix it.

I do believe there is a light at the end of my tunnel.  I just need to stop running from it and start heading towards it.  I am me and I am the only one who can fix me, with the help of God.  So when I am silent or not talking it’s because I’m working it out in my head and in my heart.  And not that I am blogging again, I guess to all the people who read my blog and at times leaves me a message about their thoughts are just words of encouragement, but don’t know me so they can’t really judge me as a person, maybe my situation, but not me. Those of you who know me, may judge me, but that’s ok, because eventually my eyes will open up and I will weed out the negative people in my life and if that means I’m standing alone, I would rather be alone then with a bunch of people who really don’t have me and my best interest at heart or will betray me every chance they get.  I know this last part is a tad bit harsh, but I have so much inside my head and my heart that I’m now vocalizing it and I’m not sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings or anger anyone.  This is my thoughts and my emotions and my walk.

Imperfection

Have you ever looked up at the clouds and realized how they all come in different sizes, shapes, colors and some are calm and some look like they are in a bit of rage?

 look at my life and others around me and there are imperfections all around me.  A couple of weeks ago my son ended up in the hospital and then was sent to PICU and that was the scariest moments of a mother’s life.  At that point nothing seemed to matter to me.  The things in my life that I had done bad was all coming back to me, and I was like wow is this my Karma knocking on my door, for all the anger I have had inside of me towards my children’s father?  The fact that when I hear people are out to get the home wrecker I am excited and willing to help them out and I sit here a plot on her to get even, for her for being a part of my life falling apart? My life was never perfect, my marriage was never perfect, but I would see marriages and I would see people and think their life must be perfect.  And then when I sit back and think about it, who’s life is really perfect?  We are all imperfect people only wishing to have a perfect life.  I listen to a Pink song all the time and it is my reality.  I’m sure most of you have heard it.  Sorry for the little bad word that she uses, but she is to the point and blunt….

I have so much that goes through my mind that when I start to type it, It goes away and another thought comes to mind.  I am starting to see who I really need in my life and who I don’t want in my life.  I have been thinking and thinking and thinking and I know a lot of negative people, and then I know people who I thought were negative and yet those are the ones who support me the most.  Friends that I lost as years went by, or friendships lost because of different paths in life, we have come back together, maybe they judged me or I judged them, but after everything that has happened with my marriage, they haven’t judged me, if they have they haven’t in my face, or where I can see them.  When I need prayers, they are the first to pray for me. People I thought didn’t care, maybe they don’t care and they have me fooled, but those I thought would be there for me, are not and were not.

I miss the life I had before meeting my husband, the life where I was happy no matter what, life couldn’t bring me down.  Now my life is my children, whom I love with everything, but sometimes that just isn’t enough.  I will NEVER walk away from them, and they are the reason why I breathe, but at the same time, I need to be happy with my life outside of my kids.  And I’m trying to figure out what will make me happy?????

Therapy

So I went to my first therapy appointment.  I obviously have a lot going on in my head.  She told me that I had a lot of issues going on in my head, and that I need to work through them.  We talked about my marriage, the affairs we both had and why we did it.  She also told me that just because a man cheats doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it just means that he didn’t respect his marriage enough at the time to not cheat, because the marriage was empty, it was dead, especially if I was telling him that I hate him, he disgusted me, that the sight of him makes me want to kill myself.  Any man would run into the arms of another female, especially if on top of all that I refused to have sex with him.  And that the fact that another man was telling me sweet things that made me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, and appreciated is what led me to another man.  I have to agree with her on all aspects of it.

She told me that we could fix our marriage, it will be a ton of work, and it will be hard, but it can happen. She did tell me, that not only do I need therapy so does my husband. He needs to learn to fix what’s broken instead of allowing it to get so bad that he and/or I run to another person to fulfill our needs.  And then on top of that we both needs marriage counseling together.  So I did speak to him about it, and we both agree that we should do about 6 months separate from each other, to learn about ourselves, our needs, and our wants in life, in marriage etc….And then find someone to do it together.  Because even though we can walk into it now, we need to find ourselves first. I have to figure out me, who I am again before I can even begin to worry about my marriage. I have learned, not to be so evil when it comes to my marriage, but I still can’t and won’t say I love you.  Though she told me I need to, I can’t say it.

She also told me that I have to get out of bed and that will help me.  But the more I become accustomed to hiding out in my blankets the worse that I will become. I have to say, since Friday, I have NOT stayed in bed, I have been cleaning like crazy, but hey what can I do, it became obvious to me, that if I don’t change soon, my kids are going to end up hating me. And that is the last thing that I want to do.

She also told me that I am a prisoner in my own head.  That my mind has become its own.  That the “whore” has moved into my head and refuses to leave. I say this because, I can be sleeping, and in my dream I can be having the time of my life, and she will appear in it, and I will wake up and want to punch my husband in the face.  Even though he didn’t have anything to do with my sleep.  I can sit here laughing, having fun, and she will appear in my mind, and my anger turns into a rage.  She said that I have to retrain my mind, to get it to stop causing me to see things that I obviously have never seen, and to let go, not forget but to get it out of my mind.  She diagnosed me with something I just can’t remember what it was called.  I have to admit she was right. She also said I was OCD, that I go to the extreme and play stuff over and over again.  Maybe not to the point where if I don’t I will lose control, but that my actions show a sign of OCD.  Even though it will take time, she said it will get better, and obviously by me coming to her to get help is a big step and saying I have lost control of my life.

She is extremely nice, and honest with me.  She doesn’t make me feel like I’m completely right and he was completely wrong. She lets me know that yes he was wrong in this and that, but I was wrong as well.  So that Is a plus in my book.  I think that in time my eyes will open and I will see what is best for me and my kids.  Rather its to stay with my husband or not.  This will help me clear my head, but no matter what I have to forgive him, and I just don’t know how to do that either.

Getting Help

So I have realized that I need to get help.  I have really reached the bottom of this depression, to the point that everything is getting to me.  I can’t deal mentally any longer. It is a struggle to get out of bed, to do daily things, and I know it’s not healthy.  Looking at my kids and realizing i’m missing so much because I don’t have the motivation or want to do anything.  I have NEVER been so excited about them going to their grandparents for the summer as I have been this year.  What is wrong with that?  I shouldn’t feel that way.  I should want them home, and miss them, and want to just play with them. I have 3 beautiful kids who I love more than anything, but I have realized that right now it’s probably best for them to go to my parents house for a bit.

I am finally going to get help though, I’m going to talk to a therapist about my problems, from my childhood, to my parenting, and most of all the betrayal in my marriage and the hurt it has caused me.  The therapist I am going to is a Christian which is a major PLUS.  That way I know at least she will look at it in a Christians point of view and not a worldly point of view.  I just hope that I like her, and am comfortable talking to her.  I am ready to find me, and get back to who I am.  I am just a lost soul right now who feels like the world is against her.

I took this picture and added the words to it, I feel like I need to read this to myself daily, because I know God has a plan for me, I just don’t know what it is yet.  I don’t have a lot to say right now, I just wanted to say I was getting help for my depression, and I think the time alone, will do good for me to find me again, to be the mom I once was.  My kids will have a blast with the grandparents.

Challenges

I face several challenges within myself when it comes to my husband’s infidelity.  I fight with myself every day. I have NOT told him that I love him since I found out about the affair, I actually have told him several times that I hate him.  It kills me inside that my emotions are dead.  I have never not had something for someone, but I have nothing when it comes to him.  I know that it is not healthy to be in a dead marriage, but I am.  I pray on a daily basis for God to just give me some kind of love for him, but it’s just not there. I read an article that states, for a man to change after wrong doing and he claims to be a “Christian” that he has to allow the holy spirit to work in him for him to see.  I agree with that, but what do you do when he refuses to allow the Lord to change you?  I know he’s not cheating on me now, but I have so many questions in my head that it eats me up every day.  I still question myself just like I did when I first found out, like was it just this one skank?  Was there several other girls?  Why am I even considering staying with him? What happened to my self-esteem?  Had this happened 8 years ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to walk out the door.  Is it because we have kids that I’m willing to suffer for them?  I am so lost, that depression is really kicking me in the butt.  Just to function on a day-to-day basis has been hard.  I know some people say, you found out about this 2 years ago, why are you acting like you just found out today?  Let me say this, I got pregnant about a month and half after I found out, so my thoughts of the affair turned off, to make sure I had a healthy pregnancy, and that my stress didn’t cause harm to unborn son.  So yes, I had moments when I was mad, especially being that my son’s birthday is 3 days before the  illegitimate child birthday. So it makes it very hard for me, which is understandable in my eyes.  No it was not planned that way, at least not on my end.  I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant, but things happen, we won’t get into that again.  But the anger is still there, the fact that she LIES about their relationship and her knowing he was married etc.  Why lie about it?  Just everything getting to me, and the fact that my will power is slowing fading away.  I am alone, I live in a city where I have NO family, the in-laws I have here are just a joke, they don’t come around, they really have nothing to do with my kids, unless I ask them to babysit, because I have to work, and they have no school, or its the holidays, but rather than that its nothing.  It kills me, because my family would give the world to be with my kids, and attempt to as much as possible.  They take them every summer, and whenever else I ask.  But being that 2 of my 3 kids are in school, they can’t just go at anytime.  I wonder if i’m going to stay with my husband until they last one graduates high school just so they have their father around. Is that bad?  I think it is to some aspects. I found this question a married woman asked about her husband I thought I would share with you.

Question:  My husband has cheated on me with several women. He leads a worldly lifestyle and goes out to drink and womanizer. I want to forgive him and restore our marriage, but he denies any wrong doing and continues. He has cursed my womb and says that he does not want to have any children with me. He is a born again but backsliding Christian. Staying with him is too heavy a yoke for me to bear especially in a childless  and loveless marriage. I do not want to be the aggressor in a court of law by divorcing him despite all of these hard challenges, but I am failing. Are we to forgive even those who throw away our offering of forgiveness? What is God’s perfect will in this situation? What do I do?

Bible Answer: There are a number of previous questions which will provide you with God’s view about divorce and will explain when God allows divorce and remarriage. The questions are entitled, “Biblical Divorce and Remarriage,” “Is sex before marriage a sin?” and “If you are divorced and remarry, are you living in adultery?”
     Two  Reasons For Divorce. God allows divorce for two reasons: sexual  activity outside of the marriage by one of the spouses and when an unbelieving spouse wants to leave. Sexual activity outside of the marriage is the oldest reason for divorce. Most people call this adultery. Most people think that adultery occurs when one spouse  has sexual relations with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage. But the word Jesus uses for “fornication, unchastity, or marital unfaithfulness” means more than just sexual relations outside of marriage with someone of the opposite sex. The Greek word for “fornication, unchastity, or marital unfaithfulness” is PORNEIA and it includes homosexuality, and bestiality. The other reason God allows divorce is when a non-Christian spouse wants out of the marriage.
Your Situation. Your husband has committed marital unfaithfulness and therefore God will not withhold His blessing from you if you divorce him. God has granted you the right to divorce him, even though He hates divorce (Mal. 2:14-16). Yes, it is possible that your husband is born again. He may be like one the many Christians in the ancient city of Corinth who did not act or live like one. But the Apostle Paul was very concerned that they were not real and so he urged them to evaluate their own lives and ask themselves if they were real (2 Cor. 13:5). It is common for a person to claim or think he/she is a Christian, experience a period of joy, enjoy being with Christians for a while, but not be a real Christian. The proof is that they never really have a changed lives. Just read 1 John. The book was written so that we might know that we have eternal life. Real change occurs only when the Holy Spirit makes the change.

Conclusion: Even though you have the right to divorce him, God wants you to try to save your marriage and to forgive your husband. However, forgiveness does not mean that you ignore what has happened. I would suggest that you need to seek counseling from your pastor or a very good Christian counselor. If your husband still says that he is a Christian, then he might be willing to go to counseling with you. Your pastor may need to exercise church discipline in an attempt to motivate  your husband to stop sinning. Ask God to heal your marriage and to have your husband repent of his sins. That should be your first step, if you have not already taken it.

I understand what they are saying, however, I know in my heart, if my husband EVER has an affair again, its OVER!!!!!  No questions asked, I did a mean joke a few weeks ago, just to see if there was other women he could have slept with.  I told him I received a letter stating that someone was suing him for child support, and he left work, and was like this is bullshit, I haven’t cheated on you with anyone else, it was just that one person, I am not going to lose you over a lie.  It made me feel better knowing he was being honest, but it still makes me wonder if  it will happen again.  I do think if he’s a serial cheater you need to leave, especially when they don’t see anything is wrong with it.

The other challenge is friends and family, what they think about all of this. I know that this shouldn’t matter, but it plays a big role on your self-esteem.  I have some people who think I should divorce him with hesitation, maybe because they don’t like him, or because they want me to be happy, or maybe struggle, or maybe even be miserable.  My family is bias on this, they have no opinion, except do whatever makes you happy, and that they will stand by me, but they really don’t get the struggle I face every day.  Then I ask myself, does my husband think I’m stupid, or a joke for staying with him and not leaving?  Then I think about it myself, are people laughing at me because I didn’t divorce him.  It’s such a tug of war in my heart and not knowing how to handle it.  I live my life so confused right now I really feel like a zombie…

And then my final challenge right now is simple, if he loved me, and he claims he knew it was wrong why did he allow the affair to last almost 3 months?  How could he come home to me everyday and tell me he loves me, and go off and buy all this stuff for me and then leave me and go be with her?  He spent more time with her, then he did me and my kids.  He saw her every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, not sure about Thursday and Saturday.  I can’t remember what went on those day. But I know he saw her the other days. Then you wonder why our marriage fell apart, he put no effort in fixing or working on my marriage, why should I stay?  He hasn’t changed at all, he’s still the same ass whole he was before I found out. I can truly say that 90% of me is thinking that my marriage is over, and every day that percentage gets higher and higher.  So once it hits 100 does that mean it’s over?  I think so, but the sad part is that he will than show me he loves me and wants to be with me and wants to work on it, but it will be too late at that point.

A was watching a video and this guys said that Love is a choice we make, not a feeling.  Do you agree with that?  But if it’s a choice when do I chose not to love my husband at all?  Why does my heart not flicker when he’s a round?  Why do I have such hatred in my heart?

I’ve been gone

I typed an entire blog, and it didn’t post, just one line.  So I guess i will start over and hopefully I will remember what i wrote, if not oh well.

So I have realized that I have been gone for a while. I had to step back and really focus on myself, I would sit down and try to blog, but my anger was to great, and it got to a point, where I started blogging about the same things, I was saying the same things, I was just repeating myself.  I don’t think that my mentality was stable enough to continue blogging.  I had started to realize that I had become bitter, and that I was beyond angry, I starting to not care about myself, my life, who I hurt by my words or actions.  The only thing that matter to me was my kids.  But when your heart is dark and cold, that doesn’t even really matter any longer.  I lost myself, my morals, my beliefs, I was worn out and tired.  I didn’t want to ever get out of bed. I just wanted to sleep all day long.  God was no longer a part of the equation, yes I went to church every day, I listened to my pastor, I prayed for my marriage, but it wasn’t real.  It was just to attempt to make me feel better.  Seeing my husband not change only made it worse, but I had to step back and say you know rather he changes or not, I have to change for me.

I found this article and I wanted to share it:

Fighting With The Wrong Enemy

One of the biggest mistakes I make as a Christian is that I underestimate the spiritual battle I’m a part of every day.

If you are a Christ-follower that longs to make an impact with your life…you will face opposition.

So often we make the wrong person our opponent.

-Our spouse isn’t the enemy

-Our friends aren’t the enemy

-Our kids aren’t the enemy

-Our family (even your mother-in-law) isn’t the enemy

We have one Enemy that seeks to kill and destroy. He will attack the relationships that mean the most to you. He will distort truth. He will confuse motives. He will make it seem like those who you love the most are against you the most. He longs to destroy you.

You are in a battle. The Bible says that it rages in the heavenly realms, and it rages in our hearts and minds every day.

I’d like to offer you some suggestions on fighting this spiritual battle. I hope that these are an encouragement to you today:

1. God’s power is made perfect in your weakness. Call on him to fight for you. Stop trying to pretend you can figure everything out and just surrender to Him.
2. Acknowledge to those you are in relational conflict with that there are spiritual forces that are trying to destroy that relationship. Tell them that you realize that they are not the enemy, but that you have ONE enemy.
3. If possible, pray with that person (your wife, sister, friend) and ask God to be present in your relationship, to give you discernment and strength.
4. Live in the promise that greater is he that is in YOU than he that is in the world.

Maybe today you feel battle worn…in your marriage, in a relationship, emotionally, spiritually. Your Heavenly Father longs to restore your weary heart and fight for you…in this very moment.

Are you fighting with the wrong enemy? 

I know for me that I have been fighting with the wrong enemy, I have been fighting with God, when I shouldn’t have been.  God loves me and I know this, but it is hard to believe that when you have been hurt and disappointed and just alone.  I stepped back, and realized God will never leave me, I just have to trust in him to do his works, and that with all that has happened there is a reason, bigger then me.  Eventually he will show it to me, once I get rid of the anger and bitterness in my heart.  I don’t blog to get a large group of people to follow me, I do it because its nice to have a support group of people who don’t know me, so they don’t know my life, so they read this with a different mind-set then people who know me personally and know my life.  I found another article I would like to share.

“I’m desperate for God. I’m desperate for grace. I’ve messed up so bad. I am desperate.”

If I’m honest, I’m not desperate for God enough. I want God. I need God…but not desperately. I am aware but fail to acknowledge often enough that he is my only hope.

I think there are a few things that keep you and me in our seat and not on our knees.

Pride: I’m not desperate for God because I think I can be him. I can be smart enough. I can earn money. I can solve problems. I can figure things out. I can choose what is best. I can make the right decisions. It is because of our pride that it often takes pain, loss or tragedy to bring about change in our hearts. God allows life and circumstances to strip us of all of the things we take pride in so we reattached our hope to him.

Insecurity: We are insecure about what others think of us. Admitting we don’t have it all together could change their opinion of us. What will they think? How will they respond? Our reputation has become more important than authentic faith. We play a part for people rather than sharing our real selves with them. We put a lot of energy into building our image but we lose our desperation for God in the process.

Fear: What if God doesn’t come through? What if we acknowledge that He is our only hope and then He lets us down? If we control the situation. If we manipulate people and circumstances then at least we can semi-know the outcome. But if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and God leaves us hanging….then what? Fear is why we become really good at surrendering parts of our heart and parts of our life to God but not our full selves…because we need a back up plan, just in case.

I want to be desperate for God. Not desperate for what God can do for me or give me, but simply desperate for Him. I am asking God to take away any pride, insecurity or fear that keeps me sitting and observing Him and not on my knees worshipping Him.

I have a little bit of all three of these, My pride is that I think I can fix this and that I don’t need his help.  However, I am failing severely, I am not able to fix this at all.  I do have bad insecurities, not just towards God, but towards people, the people who know, the people who think wow she is stupid for staying.  It plays in my heart and my head.  But my biggest issue is FEAR.  Fear of being hurt again, being disappointed.  I would rather keep a wall up and not allow anyone else in, then to be hurt again.  Fear that God will turn his back on me, fear that if I forgive my husband he will cheat again, so I have to keep my wall up so that I don’t feel secure in my marriage.  I have had a life full of disappointments, I wonder when its time for my happy ending, when am I going to just live a good life.  Nothing in my life has been positive, NOTHING.  My kids are my world, my life, but this isn’t the life I envisioned when I had kids.  I know that life isn’t perfect, and everyone has trails and tribulations, but it just seems like for me nothing is good, my marriage has fallen apart, my family life is up in the air.  But I do believe through this all God does have a plan for me, I just need to sit back and allow him to work in my life and the plan will appear.

Challenge

Well, i can say i failed miserably.  Day one i did great, i didn’t say anything negative, i kept positive, it was hard, but i did it.  However, he worked all day so it was easy not to have to deal with him.  On Tuesday he was off, and i was off, i had a sick baby, so being home with him, the rage came out of me and i just got ugly.  I couldn’t be nice, on Wednesday, it was the same.  I can’t be nice, or maybe i just don’t want to be nice to him.  I realize that when he’s around i’m mad and angry and just want to go crazy.

I asked my kids last night what they thought about me and daddy living separate i have a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old.  My oldest daughter told me no, that we can’t go separate ways, because she has to have her mommy and daddy.  She needs us together and not separate, i then asked my youngest and she said i want to live with you mommy and not daddy.  So it just showed me the difference in their personalities.  So it makes it harder for me to walk away when my oldest is like NO.  What do you do, i have to figure this all out.

I have realized last night sitting down with him watching tv that he is very negative towards me. He never says anything nice to me, and he constantly puts me down.  He says he joking, but i don’t think he is.  I have gotten into a really dark place with him, and the fact that he put me down during the affair, to her and trashed me to her, just validates it all.  I have never been in a place where i’m just fed up with everything and just want out.  I usually am happy no matter what, but these past few years have been by far the worse.  I am just over it all and realized that when he’s home, i sit on my phone playing games, or hanging out on FB, just because i don’t want to deal with him.  What does all that mean?  I think that i am 90% sure that my marriage is not going to work out, and that it’s over.  I just need that extra 10% to show its face, because i am seeing that he’s not willing to change, he still wants to live like he’s single and free and that’s just not going to work for me anymore.  I am still going to do my challenge, i have to start over with day 1. I have to do that tomorrow, because its 9:43am and i failed already.  The minute i got home from taking my youngest to school, i got upset and ran my mouth.  So tomorrow is a new day, and will start then.  I just really have to something…..Just not sure what that is yet….

My 30 day challenge

I heard this song the other day on the radio.  And it touched me. I figured i would share it to those who want to listen.

So i have decided to attempt to do, NO i will do this challenge. I have sat back and realized that i am miserable, and i’m wanting my husband to change it, but after really thinking about it and just talking to God, i have to change it.  No matter what he does if i’m not happy with me, then nothing is going to make me happy.  So i have decided to work on me and my marriage, rather he changes or not, at least i can try to change for me, and if we decide not to work this out, i will be a better wife, or woman to another man because i learned about myself and how to allow God to work in my life.

Challenge 1:  Keeping my mouth shut. This is the hardest one for me. I tend to let my thoughts and emotions get the best of me. I will run my mouth or text him mean messages, or messages about him cheating or the things he has done to me.  Things he did when he cheated, or i will compare me to her, when in reality, why? I am a better person then she will ever be, i have morals and she doesn’t.  Why would I ever put myself down that way?  However, i know its my own insecurities.  So it has to STOP!!! 

I know that i haven’t been blogging a lot lately, i have really been sitting back and doing some soul-searching within myself, and i’m trying to figure out who i am again.  Blogging did great, but i really needed to just work on myself.  So stepped away for a bit, but i’m back to blog about my life, my marriage, and just working through it, but i am ready to allow God to work in my life, my marriage and everything else in my life.