Can your marriage be fixed after Infidelity?

So I saw this question on FB this morning;  It’s possible for a marriage to heal after infidelity, but it’s a long and painful process. Do everything in your power to protect yourself and your marriage from adultery, because it can happen in a single moment, but it may take a lifetime to overcome.

I saw a ton of answers that I am going to share with you and then I will give you my personal opinion….

• With man this is impossible, but with God things are possible!
• Amen!!! With God in the marriage and both wanting to work it out nothing is impossible.
• You may forgive but the memory will always cut you like a knife. The hurt will always be there.
•  People wouldn’t have to worry about infidelity if they would take their vows serious.
•  These words are spoken I’m front of GOD. Vows should never be broken!
• I don’t think anything in life worth fighting for and having is ever easy. I’m not saying infidelity has happened in my marriage but I will say I know it’s happened to many and even as Christians, we are all human. Temptation is out there and some people may give into that. Does that make them any less of a Christian? I don’t think so because we are all sinners, no matter how hard we try to be “perfect”. But almighty God paid the ultimate sacrifice & because of Him, everyday we can be made anew!! God turn any situation around, no matter how bad. With faith & God, all things are possible!! I pray for those who are going through it or have gone through it… I pray God continues to show you the way that is right for your marriage whatever it may be. God bless you all 🙂
•  No WAY! If you didn’t value me and our marriage, if you didn’t respect me, our vows and couldn’t stand by your promise then you are not for me. I don’t believe in fully healing from that and having a happy ever after life. I couldn’t even begin to try. It would be degrading to me and no way … Cannot stay in a relationship after cheating.
•  It feels like a stab in the heart… As if you’re dying inside. But if you truly love each other & want your marriage to work, then you must forgive and work together to move past it. You must strive to build the trust and intimacy back. You will never forget the terrible things that have been done and said, but they are all said and done… And you can’t change the past. Only enlighten the future. No, your heart won’t fully heal, but just as they made a commitment and took vows, so did you. Two wrongs don’t make a right. It is your obligation to fulfill your vows as well… You know, that part about for better or for worse.
•  If u accept cheating then obviously you don’t value yourself and your spouse doesn’t either
• For me, once someone cheats in that relationship, then that complete and utter trust is gone. You can never get it back because no matter what, you will now have that smaller part of you that questions and wonders and doubts. It’s a canker in your heart and mind….all due to what someone else did. Best be done and move on.
• I disagree completely…there is no forgiveness in my honest opinion for a cheating spouse. The trust is never rebuilt and they do not deserve that option. If you love and respect your spouse then cheating would never cross your mind.

I was shocked to see how many people have gone through this.  Over 400 responses and more than half were men and women who have gone through or committed adultery.  I thought I was the only stupid person to attempt to work on my marriage, but I am seeing that I’m not stupid, I’m trying to make it work, but at the same time, trust is gone and has not been given back. I think that if a person loses trust it does take an army to get it back and if you’re not willing to try than its pointless.  I have been married once before, which I believe I have talked about, and when I divorced him I told myself, I will NEVER get divorced again. It will be until death do us part.  However; I am not so sure if I believe that any longer. I don’t know how many of you sit back and think, I wonder…I do, if I stayed married to my first husband, would I be happy or would I be dead?  If I never moved to my location would my life be better or worse?  The dreaded what ifs of life!  I agree with what everyone said. The only things that I don’t agree with is the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”, I don’t think that is a true statement, mainly because I have seen marriages survive and the person NEVER cheated again and they are stronger now then ever before and for some reason the infidelity opened their eyes to a new life, and new marriage, a new commitment. Yes, it was hard for them, but I see it, so I know it can happen.

I know for me, I sit back and think I want to go have an affair and let it last for as long as my husbands did, then throw it in his face, I can’t get pregnant because I tied and burnt my tubes, but I wish that I could just so he would have to live with it, but I know him and he wouldn’t be willing to work it out.  So then it makes me think why should I work it out?  Maybe because my faith with God is stronger than his.

I also read a lot and people say God says its ok to divorce over adultery. However; if you really get into it and read it, he HATES divorce for any reason, he never gave a reason until the people wanted a reason and nagged until he gave them a reason.  I have researched this to no end.  And have found different discussions on this in the church.  So if it was fully up to God divorce would never happen.  But like children we always want an out so he gave us one.  But overall God HATES divorce.

I know this has nothing to do with cheating, but here’s an example, I know someone who was in an abusive marriage for many many years, she prayed and prayed and prayed, he beat her for 15 years, she wanted to leave yes, but she trusted God, and one day, he woke up and went to church and never touched her again. He repented to her and has been the best husband a person could ask for. Yes, they fight, but he has never laid his hands on her again.  15 years of prayer and God answered it.  So for me anything is possible with God.  If you really want God to work on your spouse and marriage no matter what he can do it, but it’s up to you and me to decide if we want our marriage to work or if we want it to die.

The Hardest Battle You Can Fight

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.  E.E. Cummings

There is a fear we all live with: What if who I am isn’t enough?

What if who I really am is rejected by the people I value the most? What if I’m not enough for my friends? What if I’m not lovable enough to find a husband or wife? What if I can’t be the husband my wife expects me to be? What if I’m not the wife my husband deserves? What if I fail to be the parent my kids desperately need?

What if we are fully who we are, but who we are isn’t enough?

So rather than fight to be ourselves, we give into the lie that we’d be happier being someone else…because that is what everyone wants.

So we change and compromise and create more acceptable versions of us in an effort to gain love and what we give up is our ability to experience being loved. More than that, we give up the love we need to have for ourselves, because as we live for the approval of others we acquire a dislike for the person we become.

We begin to value acceptance more than our identity and in the process we lose both. We may feel the acceptance from others in our relational circles, but it is a false acceptance. We are never satisfied, never content because we know in our heart we aren’t being fully loved. It is impossible to be fully loved if we aren’t fully known.

The life you long to live is found in authenticity not acceptance. Living the life God created you to live is the path to joy, purpose and being fully loved.

More than anything else your wife needs you to be you today.

More than anything else your husband needs you to be you today.

More than anyone else your friends want you to be you today.

More than anyone else your kids want you to be you today.

Being you will not come natural. Being you will not come easy. Being you will not feel like the best choice. Being you is vulnerable. Being you is risky. Being you is exactly who you need to be.

You are The Beloved.

You are The Redeemed.

You are The Set Apart

You are The Image of God.

Fight today. Fight to be you. Fight to be all that God created you to be. It’s not only what your wife needs…it’s what you need. You being you isn’t just what your husband needs, it’s what you need. Being nobody today but yourself will have to be a choice you make.

Choose it.

Nobody else can be you.

–Refine Us

When “I Do” Feels More Like “I’m Done”

No one gets married expecting failure. No bride stands in a chapel full of family and friends, imagining how much she will despise her husband in ten years. No groom gazes into the eyes of his bride, daydreaming of one day living in the same house,  but not really sharing life.

We don’t aim for failed marriages, but the reality is that more than half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. Despite our dreams, despite our expectations, despite our intentions, one out of two marriages goes from “I Do” to “I’m Done.”

Maybe you are there right now. You’re not ready to hire an attorney, but you’ve resigned in your heart that this is as good as your marriage will ever be.

It is easier to settle for what you have than to dream about what could be. It’s less painful that way. So many couples experience a loss of hope and a longing for something to change, but convinced that change will not come. Your “I Do” is starting to feel more like “I’m done.”

What can you do when those feelings come? How can you change a marriage that seems unchangeable?

Here are some things that have been lifelines for our marriage:

1. Pray this Prayer

“God, change my heart to be the husband/wife you desire me to be.” This prayer is a game changer. This prayer will not be one you will want to pray. But it is the only prayer that you have a part in seeing answered. You can pray for God to change your spouse. But you don’t have the capacity to change them. You have the capacity to allow God to change you. As God changes you, by default your marriage will change. This prayer is the first step into hope for any marriage.

2. Tell Your Spouse

I can’t tell you how many couples we’ve met with and they have been feeling like their marriage was hurting; their love was wavering; they were questioning their desire to be married for weeks, months sometimes years. Nothing good grows in darkness. You aren’t going to recapture your love for your spouse by keeping your feelings from them. Honesty is the only path to restored intimacy. You will not see anything changed in your marriage by not talking to your spouse.

3. Ask this Question

“Am I willing to do the things that caused us to fall in love in the first place?” Remember when you started dating? Remember staying up late at night talking? Remember arguing over who was going to hang up first? Remember looking for a dark street to pull the car over and make out? Remember the cheesy poem you wrote him? Remember when all of that stopped? Maybe you need to start dating again. Maybe you need to write her a love note. Maybe you need to put the kids to bed early, light some candles and fire up some Boyz II Men. Doing what caused you to fall in love will help keep you in love.

Marriage is hard. But it is possible to move from “I’m Done” back to “I Do”.

–Refine Us Ministries

The Difference Between Forgiveness and Trust

Most of us want to forgive. We don’t want to hold a grudge. We don’t want to be bitter. We don’t want our lives to be consumed with resentment. But more than wanting to forgive, we don’t want to be hurt again.

There is this natural belief that if we forgive, then we are not only saying what that person did was okay, we are being vulnerable enough to allow them to hurt us again.

Resentment becomes our only defense mechanism to protect our heart. I think many of us live with resentment and bitterness not because we want to, but because we’ve confused forgiveness with trust.

Forgiveness, according to Scripture should be offered unconditionally. In fact, if there are conditions, then it isn’t forgiveness. But trust has to be earned.

If you have been hurt; betrayed; abused; cheated on; lied to then it is easy to confuse these two things. In fact, so many people that we talk to often feel like they haven’t fully forgiven because their trust hasn’t been restored.

Forgiveness is a process, but trust is a prized possession. Once your trust has been broken, it becomes even more valuable.

As someone who has broken ultimate trust in my marriage can I (Justin) encourage you? Offer forgiveness freely; offer trust slowly.

Healing doesn’t come all at once. When you’ve been hurt, lied to or betrayed your heart is in a vulnerable state. What you want most is what you used to have.

What you long for is life before the porn; before the sexting; before the lie; before the cheating; before the Facebook relationship. What you are tempted to do is to equate forgiveness with trust…and when you do that you short-circuit your healing and the one whose broken your trust’s restoration.

If you desire the relationship to be restored, begin to communicate things that will build your trust. Give the person who’s hurt you an opportunity to earn your trust. Don’t hold them hostage to your suspicions…communicate with them what you desire from them to earn trust. What you shouldn’t be is fearful or paranoid…rather wise and discerning.

If you have broken trust in a relationship, it is so easy for you as well to confuse forgiveness with trust. Your feeling is “If you have really forgiven me, then we wouldn’t be having these conversations.” Ask yourself this question, “Has my spouse (friend, sister, daughter) not forgiven me, or do they not trust me?” When you confuse forgiveness with trust you begin to think that you can never do enough to be forgiven.

My guess is that it is much easier for the person you’ve hurt to forgive you than it is to trust you. They love you and want to forgive you, they are just fearful of being hurt again. Humility on your part will go a long way. Pay the price. Seek to do the little things that will earn trust.

The currency of any relationship is trust. Maybe today your relationship seems bankrupt because you’ve confused trust with forgiveness.

As we forgive, we free ourselves from bitterness. As we trust, we experience the process of restoration.

-Refine Us

Imperfection

Have you ever looked up at the clouds and realized how they all come in different sizes, shapes, colors and some are calm and some look like they are in a bit of rage?

 look at my life and others around me and there are imperfections all around me.  A couple of weeks ago my son ended up in the hospital and then was sent to PICU and that was the scariest moments of a mother’s life.  At that point nothing seemed to matter to me.  The things in my life that I had done bad was all coming back to me, and I was like wow is this my Karma knocking on my door, for all the anger I have had inside of me towards my children’s father?  The fact that when I hear people are out to get the home wrecker I am excited and willing to help them out and I sit here a plot on her to get even, for her for being a part of my life falling apart? My life was never perfect, my marriage was never perfect, but I would see marriages and I would see people and think their life must be perfect.  And then when I sit back and think about it, who’s life is really perfect?  We are all imperfect people only wishing to have a perfect life.  I listen to a Pink song all the time and it is my reality.  I’m sure most of you have heard it.  Sorry for the little bad word that she uses, but she is to the point and blunt….

I have so much that goes through my mind that when I start to type it, It goes away and another thought comes to mind.  I am starting to see who I really need in my life and who I don’t want in my life.  I have been thinking and thinking and thinking and I know a lot of negative people, and then I know people who I thought were negative and yet those are the ones who support me the most.  Friends that I lost as years went by, or friendships lost because of different paths in life, we have come back together, maybe they judged me or I judged them, but after everything that has happened with my marriage, they haven’t judged me, if they have they haven’t in my face, or where I can see them.  When I need prayers, they are the first to pray for me. People I thought didn’t care, maybe they don’t care and they have me fooled, but those I thought would be there for me, are not and were not.

I miss the life I had before meeting my husband, the life where I was happy no matter what, life couldn’t bring me down.  Now my life is my children, whom I love with everything, but sometimes that just isn’t enough.  I will NEVER walk away from them, and they are the reason why I breathe, but at the same time, I need to be happy with my life outside of my kids.  And I’m trying to figure out what will make me happy?????

The Destruction

I started posting yesterday about my kids, and just really got off the subject of what I meant to write about.  But I felt like I needed to get that off my chest first.  However, the post was supposed to be about the destruction that this affair has had on my kids…

We have not told my kids face-to-face what happened.  However; my kids are very smart and they hear us fighting.  Me telling my husband things like “you chose to sleep with some home wrecking whore, and you didn’t think about me our your kids while you were screwing her….” Yes, I do curse at times when I get mad and my kids are usually in their room, sometimes at school or outside playing.  But when they do hear us I know that it is damaging their hearts.  I hate it, and my kids tell me they want to leave and live somewhere else.  They don’t like their daddy because he hurt their mommy.  They shouldn’t feel that way EVER!!!

I have seen a major change in my kids attitude and their personality.  It’s breaking my heart more than anyone will ever know.  We as parents are supposed to teach our kids love, happiness, and just what marriage is about, however; as a parent I am failing miserably.  I am taking a class at church called Visionary Parenting and it has really opened my eyes, not just on my kids, but my life, my marriage, and those that are around me.

My kids love their dad, and they are happy when we are not fighting or yelling at each other.  When we fight, we fight hard.  There is no hitting each other, but there is screaming and it gets out of hand.  He grew up in a home where his father threw and broke things and  yelled at his wife and so they think it was ok, I didn’t.  I grew up where if my parents fought my dad didn’t yell, he just listened until my mom shut up.  So he didn’t grow up in a home, where the father and mother fought fairly or calmly.  So when we get mad, he turns into his father, which pisses me off even more.  But I am really to a point with him, where I am over it and done.  I just don’t care anymore.  And I know my kids see it.

I have also realized that if him and I don’t stop, we are going to lose our kids.  And I will die if that ever happened. I love my kids more than life, and have realized that if we can’t change and if he’s not willing to stop, then it is time to go.  I get that God says it is God first, then your husband, then your kids and then everything else.  But I do have to protect my kids and I don’t want them to grow up thinking that marriage isn’t about love and caring about someone, its about hating your spouse and treating each other like crap.

My kids have anger in them, they act out and fight and they see it and learn it from us.  I don’t want to hurt my kids, and I want them to be happy.  So I have realized, it’s never to late to change and make a change, and I will do what ever I have to make sure they are happy and they learn what marriage is even if it means that I have to walk away from my husband.

Time to Change it up

Children, A Blessing From God

By author unknown

Children are a blessing sent from God above For us to care and nurture and most of all to love. God calls us to be parents and provides us with the tools And when we feel like giving up, our strength He will renew.

Children are a gift from God that He so freely lends To make it through the childhood years, on Him we must depend. He must have a presence, you see it must take three The parents, child and Christ to be a family.

From childhood days to a child full-grown Their joys and hurts are a parent’s own. Times of joy and laughter and those times of tears The times spent raising children are surely the best of years.

There comes that time in life when a child will leave the nest We must send them off with love and trust God with the rest. We’ve shared the Word of God, we’ve taught them right from wrong. Now it’s time to let them go and let them write their song.

The faith instilled, the examples lived, and the lessons taught All gifts that we have given our child, will never be forgot. So many paths that they can take, right or wrong remains unknown But rest assured that in the end, they all lead back to home.

I know that for the most of my blogs it has been about my marriage and what my husband had done. But I don’t want to talk about that right now.  After all my blog is called findingmywaywithgod not finding my way through this affair.  However, my life now does reflect on the affair.

I have realized since finding out about my husband’s affair, that I have been very depressed, to a point where I just don’t care about anything at all. My children have been out of control, which than angers me.  I would sit back and allow them to act however they want, yes I would yell, or tell them wait until we get home, etc…But the reality I didn’t follow through with most anything.  Sometimes I did, but not often, I’m sure I confused them more than anything. God was a part of my life, but not by much.  My life was out of control, I didn’t want to deal with reality, i didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that i have 3 kids who need me.  So i had to open my eyes and say even though i don’t like my husband, i do love my kids, and i do want what is best for them.  So yes, i took a break from blogging to really focus on my life, the things that i need to do to be a better mom.  If their dad wants to step up and be a better dad than that is on him NOT me!

I have started taking parenting classes at my church, not to teach my about being a bad parent, or how to improve my parenting, but how to raise my kids Godly.  What I shouldn’t be doing to break my children’s spirit etc….But anyways, so i remember going out to eat with a friend and she said something that has stuck to my mind for a while, and as i sit back and meditate on it, i found what i needed in myself.  So what happened was we were eating dinner, and her son, my stepson (me and her are best friends), was opening up a fortune cookie, (4 kids, ages 11,7,5, and 1) and didn’t want to take the time to sound out his words and read it, so my daughter read it.  I made the comment to my step son are you not embarrassed that your 11 and your 7-year-old sister just showed you up?  His mom got mad, and was like what are we learning at church, why even take the class if you’re not going to listen or follow it?  I didn’t respond to her about it, because my first thought was like really, you do crap all the time that is against God when it comes to parenting. But then i was like no Pam don’t go there, it is pointless.  I am accountable for my actions, and i have to answer to God.  Then when i came home, and i thought about it, i was like if my child didn’t read at the level they should have, i would have been upset as well, however, i would have never said anything about God.  So it kept bothering me, and i realized that i am tough on my kids when it comes to school. My daughter is 7 she is in the 2nd grade, but is a straight A, B student.  She gets 1 or 2 B’s and the rest are A’s.  She is going to a private school, and for those who know about private schools, they teach at a greater level.  I push her hard, she’s very smart, and bright, and i know this. My other daughter is smart and bright, but on a different level.  However, i don’t allow my kids not to do something because it is to hard, they attempt it, and then i will help them figure it out if they are still unable to do so. Where am i going with this right?   I realized that my daughters slack off sometimes because of the company they are around, and that as a mom, it is my job, to say no, it doesn’t matter who we are with, we are NOT going to act like that.  So this past few weeks, i have been with my kids and not around anyone else, except family.  And talking to may parents about my kids including my stepson, I realize that i have to love my kids enough to teach them respect and love, and if i’m around other people and they don’t agree with my parenting that is their deal not mine, but that i have to STOP trying to please everyone but me and my family.  If other people see that its ok for their kids to be disrespectful then so be it. If they allow things with their kids that i don’t with mine, then i need to continue to push my rules on my kids and if they think i’m the meanest mom in the world so be it.  At least i can say my kids have respect, compassion, and love.  I also don’t want to be that mom, who puts on a front, who disciplines in front of people, but i really don’t care when we are alone.  I am NOT my kids friends, and i know a lot of people who are on a thin line of being a friend more than a parent. My kids have friends at school, they don’t need a friend at home they need a parent.

I know this blog is everywhere, and this wasn’t what i was actually going to blog about, it was going to be more about the depression and the way it has affected my kids.  However, i felt like i need to start on this, so you can see where my heart is first and that I have come to life and am turning to God in my relationship with my kids and my husband, instead of turning to my friends to tell me what is right and wrong.  I have to make God happy, and if my friends are my friends they will respect whatever i do with my life and my family.