Challenges

I face several challenges within myself when it comes to my husband’s infidelity.  I fight with myself every day. I have NOT told him that I love him since I found out about the affair, I actually have told him several times that I hate him.  It kills me inside that my emotions are dead.  I have never not had something for someone, but I have nothing when it comes to him.  I know that it is not healthy to be in a dead marriage, but I am.  I pray on a daily basis for God to just give me some kind of love for him, but it’s just not there. I read an article that states, for a man to change after wrong doing and he claims to be a “Christian” that he has to allow the holy spirit to work in him for him to see.  I agree with that, but what do you do when he refuses to allow the Lord to change you?  I know he’s not cheating on me now, but I have so many questions in my head that it eats me up every day.  I still question myself just like I did when I first found out, like was it just this one skank?  Was there several other girls?  Why am I even considering staying with him? What happened to my self-esteem?  Had this happened 8 years ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to walk out the door.  Is it because we have kids that I’m willing to suffer for them?  I am so lost, that depression is really kicking me in the butt.  Just to function on a day-to-day basis has been hard.  I know some people say, you found out about this 2 years ago, why are you acting like you just found out today?  Let me say this, I got pregnant about a month and half after I found out, so my thoughts of the affair turned off, to make sure I had a healthy pregnancy, and that my stress didn’t cause harm to unborn son.  So yes, I had moments when I was mad, especially being that my son’s birthday is 3 days before the  illegitimate child birthday. So it makes it very hard for me, which is understandable in my eyes.  No it was not planned that way, at least not on my end.  I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant, but things happen, we won’t get into that again.  But the anger is still there, the fact that she LIES about their relationship and her knowing he was married etc.  Why lie about it?  Just everything getting to me, and the fact that my will power is slowing fading away.  I am alone, I live in a city where I have NO family, the in-laws I have here are just a joke, they don’t come around, they really have nothing to do with my kids, unless I ask them to babysit, because I have to work, and they have no school, or its the holidays, but rather than that its nothing.  It kills me, because my family would give the world to be with my kids, and attempt to as much as possible.  They take them every summer, and whenever else I ask.  But being that 2 of my 3 kids are in school, they can’t just go at anytime.  I wonder if i’m going to stay with my husband until they last one graduates high school just so they have their father around. Is that bad?  I think it is to some aspects. I found this question a married woman asked about her husband I thought I would share with you.

Question:  My husband has cheated on me with several women. He leads a worldly lifestyle and goes out to drink and womanizer. I want to forgive him and restore our marriage, but he denies any wrong doing and continues. He has cursed my womb and says that he does not want to have any children with me. He is a born again but backsliding Christian. Staying with him is too heavy a yoke for me to bear especially in a childless  and loveless marriage. I do not want to be the aggressor in a court of law by divorcing him despite all of these hard challenges, but I am failing. Are we to forgive even those who throw away our offering of forgiveness? What is God’s perfect will in this situation? What do I do?

Bible Answer: There are a number of previous questions which will provide you with God’s view about divorce and will explain when God allows divorce and remarriage. The questions are entitled, “Biblical Divorce and Remarriage,” “Is sex before marriage a sin?” and “If you are divorced and remarry, are you living in adultery?”
     Two  Reasons For Divorce. God allows divorce for two reasons: sexual  activity outside of the marriage by one of the spouses and when an unbelieving spouse wants to leave. Sexual activity outside of the marriage is the oldest reason for divorce. Most people call this adultery. Most people think that adultery occurs when one spouse  has sexual relations with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage. But the word Jesus uses for “fornication, unchastity, or marital unfaithfulness” means more than just sexual relations outside of marriage with someone of the opposite sex. The Greek word for “fornication, unchastity, or marital unfaithfulness” is PORNEIA and it includes homosexuality, and bestiality. The other reason God allows divorce is when a non-Christian spouse wants out of the marriage.
Your Situation. Your husband has committed marital unfaithfulness and therefore God will not withhold His blessing from you if you divorce him. God has granted you the right to divorce him, even though He hates divorce (Mal. 2:14-16). Yes, it is possible that your husband is born again. He may be like one the many Christians in the ancient city of Corinth who did not act or live like one. But the Apostle Paul was very concerned that they were not real and so he urged them to evaluate their own lives and ask themselves if they were real (2 Cor. 13:5). It is common for a person to claim or think he/she is a Christian, experience a period of joy, enjoy being with Christians for a while, but not be a real Christian. The proof is that they never really have a changed lives. Just read 1 John. The book was written so that we might know that we have eternal life. Real change occurs only when the Holy Spirit makes the change.

Conclusion: Even though you have the right to divorce him, God wants you to try to save your marriage and to forgive your husband. However, forgiveness does not mean that you ignore what has happened. I would suggest that you need to seek counseling from your pastor or a very good Christian counselor. If your husband still says that he is a Christian, then he might be willing to go to counseling with you. Your pastor may need to exercise church discipline in an attempt to motivate  your husband to stop sinning. Ask God to heal your marriage and to have your husband repent of his sins. That should be your first step, if you have not already taken it.

I understand what they are saying, however, I know in my heart, if my husband EVER has an affair again, its OVER!!!!!  No questions asked, I did a mean joke a few weeks ago, just to see if there was other women he could have slept with.  I told him I received a letter stating that someone was suing him for child support, and he left work, and was like this is bullshit, I haven’t cheated on you with anyone else, it was just that one person, I am not going to lose you over a lie.  It made me feel better knowing he was being honest, but it still makes me wonder if  it will happen again.  I do think if he’s a serial cheater you need to leave, especially when they don’t see anything is wrong with it.

The other challenge is friends and family, what they think about all of this. I know that this shouldn’t matter, but it plays a big role on your self-esteem.  I have some people who think I should divorce him with hesitation, maybe because they don’t like him, or because they want me to be happy, or maybe struggle, or maybe even be miserable.  My family is bias on this, they have no opinion, except do whatever makes you happy, and that they will stand by me, but they really don’t get the struggle I face every day.  Then I ask myself, does my husband think I’m stupid, or a joke for staying with him and not leaving?  Then I think about it myself, are people laughing at me because I didn’t divorce him.  It’s such a tug of war in my heart and not knowing how to handle it.  I live my life so confused right now I really feel like a zombie…

And then my final challenge right now is simple, if he loved me, and he claims he knew it was wrong why did he allow the affair to last almost 3 months?  How could he come home to me everyday and tell me he loves me, and go off and buy all this stuff for me and then leave me and go be with her?  He spent more time with her, then he did me and my kids.  He saw her every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, not sure about Thursday and Saturday.  I can’t remember what went on those day. But I know he saw her the other days. Then you wonder why our marriage fell apart, he put no effort in fixing or working on my marriage, why should I stay?  He hasn’t changed at all, he’s still the same ass whole he was before I found out. I can truly say that 90% of me is thinking that my marriage is over, and every day that percentage gets higher and higher.  So once it hits 100 does that mean it’s over?  I think so, but the sad part is that he will than show me he loves me and wants to be with me and wants to work on it, but it will be too late at that point.

A was watching a video and this guys said that Love is a choice we make, not a feeling.  Do you agree with that?  But if it’s a choice when do I chose not to love my husband at all?  Why does my heart not flicker when he’s a round?  Why do I have such hatred in my heart?