Not talking about my marriage

So I have been asked why I stopped talking about my marriage.  I will explain.

I am just so empty inside of my heart when it comes to my marriage. I am just numb when it comes to working it out. I feel right now that we are not together because we love each other or because we want our marriage, we are only together because of the kids and financially it is better for me and my kids.  So how do you talk about your marriage, when there is nothing there. I have given up, i’m tired of trying and getting no where with it.  I have fought and fought for something to change and all I got was empty promises. He has never kept one promise to me, and when I look at him I have sooo much anger inside of me I want to strangle him.  But it’s not worth it at all, my kids need me so sitting in jail is worthless. I have spoken to my oldest daughter because she gets it more about leaving and she doesn’t like it. She says she needs her daddy, and that mommy and daddy’s have to stay together because God says so.  They don’t know what he did, they are to young to really get that, and then again I don’t know if I want to tell them that.  It may be something I never mention to them, i’m not really sure yet.  Time will tell, but right now I am not going to say anything to them.

I am alone in this and don’t know what to do.  I walk this by myself, I talk to people about it, but now i’m very picky about what I say to anyone.  Yes, we fight, and I may tell people things here and there, but no like I use to.  I guess I am still feeling betrayed by some people by them going and telling other people, when I don’t feel like it was their right or the other people’s business, and yet they took it upon them selves to tell them.  What people don’t understand is that they are not the one that was made a fool of, I was and so while you walk around with your head high around these people, I sit back and think wow they must think i’m the dumbest girl ever to stay with him and attempt to work it out.  So even though I haven’t said anything to any of the people who told others, and I will never say anything, it just lets me know that if anything ever happens severely between him and I that I will not say anything to them about it.

I think also I stopped talking about it was because I wanted to focus on my children, and just love them to the best of my ability and just give them my all.  It is just hard to deal with life and i’m trying.

However; I have given up on my marriage and see it now as a business contract and nothing more. Will he ever see that, I have no clue, but I don’t know if I will or can live like this much longer. Only time will tell.  I just keep praying that something will open his eyes, but nothing has.  And i’m to the point when I don’t think anything will ever open his eyes, and when or if I leave, he will blame me and say I didn’t try which is fine.  Selfish people should NEVER get married, because you have to be selfless to make a marriage last, and he is selfish and only cares about himself and no one else.

Affair Proof Your Marriage

One of the ways God has allowed us to use our story is in helping people avoid some of the choices and some of the behavior patterns we’ve had in our marriage. I’m asked several times a week, “What can I do to make sure I or my spouse doesn’t have an affair.” Beyond that, here are a few things that will protect your heart, mind and marriage.

1.     Pursue God

I’ve never talked to anyone who has cheated on their spouse who has told me that their relationship with God was healthy when they had an affair. The truth is that your marriage will not be perfect. You will have problems. You will face temptation. But if you are pursuing God; His Word; His truth and allowing Him to form you and shape you, that is the best thing you can do to affair-proof your marriage.

2.     Pursue Your Spouse

It is hard to fall out of love with someone you are pursuing. It is difficult to lose interest in someone that you are prioritizing. Other people don’t look so attractive when you are setting aside time to pursue and date your spouse. Most couples lose interest in one another because they fail to spend time with one another. Sitting next to each other at your kid’s soccer game or a band concert doesn’t count. Date your spouse. Buy her flowers. Put perfume on before he gets home from work. Talk. Laugh. Pursue.

3.     Don’t Fantasize About Someone Else

I’ve never heard anyone say, “I never thought about that, it just happened.” All sin starts in our mind. The Bible calls it temptation. Temptation is normal. Temptation is common. Temptation is something that you are guaranteed to face. Jesus experienced temptation. Temptation becomes sinful when it moves to fantasy. When you begin to fantasize about someone other than your spouse, you have already broken intimacy in your heart and mind with your husband or wife. It is why the Bible says to guard our hearts. Affairs always start in our mind.

4.     Share Your Secrets

Every time we withhold truth from our spouse we create distance in our marriage. Oneness is how the Bible describes our marriage relationship. Secrets have no part of oneness. Secrets break oneness. The word intimacy means, “to be fully known.” When we don’t allow our spouse to fully know us, we compromise intimacy. I am not saying that keeping secrets from your spouse will cause you to have an affair. I am saying that not keeping secrets from your spouse will prevent you from having an affair. It is hard to for sin to grow in light. It is hard for deceit to grow in the context of authentic truth.

5.     Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It will not solve all of your marriage problems. But if you are committed to pursuing God; pursuing your spouse; keeping your mind and heart pure; sexual intimacy will strengthen the oneness in your relationship like nothing else can. Our culture uses sex to sell for a reason…it is a powerful force in our lives. It can and should be a powerful force in our marriages as well.

-Refine Us

Ex-Wife VS New Wife

So when I married my husband, I knew that he was married before me and that he had a son. I was ok with that, even though I always told myself that I would NEVER marry someone with kids, I broke my own rules. I didn’t want to deal with “baby mama” drama.  I didn’t know his ex-wife and had only heard things about her, never good.  My husband never said a lot except why they got divorced and things that went on in their marriage. Of course they both have a different view of their marriage and things that went on. So I listen and take bits and pieces from both of them and come to my own conclusions.  So with that being said, I just thought great I am going to have to deal with this person for as long as i’m married to him.  I don’t know if I want to, however; I really don’t have to deal with her, I only have to love their son.  So that works.  Well, as time went by things changed and we became friends….

We are very close now, we talk pretty much every day.  It took time to get this way, and a lot of people don’t understand how we can be friends.  It is easy if you think about it.  What did she do to me personally?  Nothing, she may have upset my husband, or did him wrong or visa versa, but why be mad at her or hate her?  Yes, there are some who cause drama and want to start a war, but she never did.  Yes, at the beginning her and my husband would fight and I would get put in the middle, but then I realized that a lot of it was the fact that my husband would get this cocky sound in his voice or become arrogant, and she would pop off and it would just get heated. Just made it easier for me to be the middle girl in this, because even if I didn’t like her that much at the beginning, I understood at times that my husband was wrong for saying what he said, or making the decision that he made, just as at times I felt the same with her.  But I realized that the issues were between those two and not me so it was pointless to look at her with hate or anger or dislike.  She never did anything to me personally.  I don’t get why ex’s and newbies can’t get along.  Unless they are doing something to directly hurt them or the kid/s then let it be.  Her mom had a lot to do with us becoming friends, and as time went on we did.

We fight, and argue and get mad.  We don’t always see eye to eye, but no one does.  Most of our arguments has to do with the kids.  I say she’s my kids 2nd mom, they love her like she is.  Everyone assumes her and I are sisters and so my kids treat her like family.  Her son is my kids half brother and they will have a bond forever to each other.  We really never argue about every day life, we don’t agree with the rules and the way we do certain things when it comes to my SS.  We argue and yes sometimes it gets heated and bad, but we get over it after a while. Sometimes it takes longer then others.  But I don’t think we have ever argued about anything that a typical person would argue about. I think that if we didn’t share the same husband, and our kids were not related, we would NEVER fight.  We would be boring friends lol.  But with that being said, a lot of families don’t talk about their issues with the child/ren.  Me and her after we calm down we talk about it, and figure out a way to deal with it.  If blended families would just stop and think about the kids I think their would be more mixed families getting along.  God plays a big role in our lives as well, and we all go to church together and spend a lot of time together.

What about the ex husband/husband.  In the beginning he didn’t like that we were becoming friends, but I didn’t really care to be honest.  I was doing it for my SS and myself.  He was more concerned that she was going to break up our family and I would cheat on him etc…Funny how he was the one who broke our family and not her. If it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I would have done through all of this.  She has been there for me with all the frustration and the tears, and the anger.  I know that I will always have a place to go it I need to. She has literally been my family here.

There is so much more to this story, and I have sat back and thought about starting up a ministry with her on the ex vs. new, but just not sure if people would take us serious and hot to do it.  I just think God brought us into each others lives for a reason and I also feel like it may be to help others out there struggling to get along with each other after a divorce….

How to Make & Not Break Any Relationship

The words we say have power. They have power to breath life into a relationship. Words have power to build up a marriage. They have power to inspire a child. They have the power to shape a soul. Words have power to destroy as well. They can wound a heart; they can damage a marriage; they can create hurt that lasts for years.

Words can build up and words can tear down. 

The words that we say to one another aren’t just a reflection of our behavior, they are a reflection of our heart. The words you say are in direct connection to the condition of your heart. There is no getting around it…sooner or later, your heart will overflow in the words you say and how you say them.

Jesus says it like this: A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. Luke 6:45

As we start a new week, we have the opportunity to speak life into our relationships. We can restore a friendship with what we say. We can improve our marriage with the words we choose. We can redeem a broken relationship with a family member because we choose to allow the love of Christ to overflow into our words.

Here are five statements that will bring life to your relationships this week:

1. You matter to me. 

Who in your life needs to hear you say, “You matter to me?” Your kids? A co-worker? Your spouse? Those four words could breath life into a relationship.

2. I forgive you. 

There is nothing that hinders the growth of a relationship more than built up resentment. There is also nothing that restores intimacy more than grace that is given freely. Who do you need to forgive? Will you choose to do it this week?

3. I was wrong. 

Maybe what keeping a relationship broken is your unwillingness to admit you are wrong. You are clinging to your rights. You justify your choice, and the relationship is damaged simply because you won’t admit a mistake.

4. Thank you. 

Gratitude is an overflow of a heart that sees life as a gift. Entitlement and gratitude can’t live in the same heart. You can’t feel entitled to something and grateful for it at the same time. Who do you need to say thank you to in your life? Who have you taken for granted?

5. I believe in you. 

There may not be four more powerful words than, “I believe in you.” Those words have the power to shape the future of someone in your life. Who desperately needs to hear from you that you believe in them?

So much of our relationship hurts and dysfunction revolve around what we say or don’t say. The great thing is you can control that. You can choose to say life giving words this week. The question is…will you?

–Refine Us

Excuses

Sometimes I feel like i’m drowning and don’t know how to get out.  I have prayed and prayed about my kids and my marriage and my life.  My kids are so confused about everything, that i’m sure it effects the way they act as well.  I have excuses for not doing what I need to do.  Here’s my reasons:

• Depressed
• Tired
• My life is falling apart
• Don’t want to deal with it
• There are worse kids
• Their half brother acts that way
• Their dad doesn’t discipline them so why should I?
• They will grow out of it
• Just don’t want to deal with life
• I will get to it later
• I’m too strict
• I’m with someone else and they think its ok so screw it….
• I don’t want to explain to them anymore why they can’t do it but their half brother can

Those are my reasons behind not raising my kids properly.  However; when it comes to school, I am strict and I handle business.  Shouldn’t I be that way no matter what?

My daughters fight a lot now, and when I say fight I mean punching, pushing, kicking, biting, etc…Their father tells them to stop and that they are to love each other and not fight.  To treat each other with respect, and if one says something to the other to ignore them and walk away. Wow he should tell himself that when we are fighting.  That whole practice what you preach thing….:)  But he is right they should and so should I when we are fighting. They fight hard, because him and I fight hard as well.  But when my girls fight they go for blood.  I have been stopping that and telling them NO!!!  However; it is hard when people encourage it and turn it into a joke.  I use to fight with my brother, but never like that. I think for one I was scared of my brother, and I knew he could hurt me, he’s got 5 years on my and he 6’2 or something and i’m 5’5.  He never really hit me, my girls are 2 years and 1 week apart in age.  So they are close to each other.   It is just hard, because I want them to love each other and have kind hands. So now i’m trying to figure it out.

I know a lot of the anger they have is because of me and their dad, and its upsetting them and they are acting out.  They don’t know why mommy and daddy fight, and why mommy doesn’t love their daddy anymore.  I’m not sure if they ever will know.  But they just want us all to be happy and they know that i’m not.  Growing up I never knew when my parents were mad at each other, they NEVER fought in front of us.  They kept a lot from us, which I think was good and why we love people.  We didn’t grow up in a home of anger, my kids are growing up in a home with anger.  And as a parent I need to change that for them.

Life sucks!!!!  I have to change for them and for me…Not sure how to do so yet, but I have to.  I’m still praying about that one. I have a few thoughts, but I have to make sure that its what I really need to do….

Kids, Parents and God

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

REFLECTION: If you train your children in Godliness they’ll likely not depart from it. If you don’t train your children up in Godliness, they’ll likely not depart from ungodliness.

I have been thinking a lot lately about family devotions and my kids.  I am failing as a mother when it comes to my kids and God.  Yes, I take them to church, and I love them, however; I don’t train them the way I should.  I will start and then I get into my mood where I just don’t care, or I blow up over the smallest things and realize what am I doing?  I step back and think no this isn’t right.  God plays a big role in my life, however, he’s been playing a small role lately.  I try my hardest at times to step back and think about what I’m doing and how I’m not obeying God’s word.  I know it is NEVER to late to change and with change it takes time.  But what about my kids?  If I am to influence them and I’m failing what will happen to them?

I have realized that I have 3 sometimes 4 kids.  Yes, I say sometimes because I am a step mom and we don’t have him everyday.  This last month October I didn’t get him for 3 weeks, he went out-of-town with his mom and they went on our weekend which was fine.  My family came down, so it all ended up working out for all of us.  But those 3 weeks I didn’t have him, my kids personality and attitude was so different, they had respect, if I told them not to do something  they didn’t do it for the most part.  Remember my kids are 7, 5 and 1.  My step son is 11.  They are kids, not perfect, but good.  They didn’t really stress me out too much, they tested me, but it was calm and nice. We had fun, we played, did things together, I loved it.

My children go to a Christian Private School and they learn about Jesus and his death on the cross.  So I came up with a creative way to teach my kids about sin, which includes misbehaving, disrespect and so on. I tell them, Jesus died on the cross for our sins, so that we can be forgiven.  The people threw stones, and rocks at him.  They even hit him with whips and stuff.  So every time you sin, its like your throwing stones at him and saying that his death was a joke and your laughing at him.  My youngest doesn’t really get it yet.  Well, my middle child she’s in K5 so it’s still unclear to her to a point.  However my 7-year-old gets it, and she gets up set when I tell her your throwing stones at Jesus keep it up…She looks at me and says I don’t want to do that. And I explain to her that we are not perfect, but when you intentionally do something and you keep doing it your making a mockery of his death.  She started to get it.

However; I noticed this past weekend I had my stepson, and it was like their attitude changed for the worst.  I was like what just happened to my kids?  I don’t get it, they didn’t listen no matter what I did.  They were disrespectful, they laughed at me, and they fought harder than ever.  Well, after the weekend I sat down to talk to my oldest about why.  She tells me the truth and says, he doesn’t listen and respect his mom, he tells her that and nothing ever happens, he still acts the same and gets whatever he wants, so why do I have to listen?  Wow, that hit me hard.  So I told her, I’m not his mom, if he doesn’t want to respect her and she’s ok with it, then that is on them.  However, your mom will NOT tolerate it.  Plus God doesn’t like that. God says that you are to OBEY your mom and dad.  Not be like your sibling.  My daughter really has a love for Jesus, and I am sooo happy for it.  She just doesn’t get that you have to be you, not be like everyone else.  Do what is right, not what is wrong.

 I use to do devotionals with my kids, I need to do it again just been lazy, and need to go buy a few books.  But if you are doing the bible and devotionals, but your kids are not changing do you push it and do it even though they are doing to make you happy, but they could care less?  My oldest loves doing it, my youngest doesn’t. So I don’t make her do it, she hears us, but isn’t involved.  I think its ok, i’m not going to shove the Bible down their throat, but how do you tell your kids to be Godly when you yourself is not?  What if your kids really just don’t care and you want to believe they do?

I know that change takes time, but when do you step back and say, this child really doesn’t care about themselves, you ,or anyone?  When is it ok to be disrespectful?  I think never!!!!  I am a strict mom to a point, more when its just me and my kids, when other people are around I tend to allow more things, which is going to stop, because i’m sure it confuses the crap out of my kids.  When I child hurts someone, do you make them say sorry when they don’t care?  I think it makes it invalid.  I always say there are some people out there that need to put there foot down and stop being a friend to their kids. Who cares if your kids get mad. They are kids let them.  Why do we have to go out of our way to make our kids happy, that’s not my job.  I was meant to lead them to the Lord, and that’s it.  Everything else is extra….I fail at that as well.

If your kids don’t respect you, and they tell you they don’t, do you continue to allow them to treat you that way?  Do you find excuses for the behavior they have? Or do you step back and say no i’m done, its going to change and mean it?  When your kids talk back to you do nothing or do something?  If they act like babies just really to get a reaction out of you do you discipline for it or ignore it?

I see this stuff all the time and wonder how do others handle it because the way I see it being handled is not working out for these people….You can fake the funk, but the funk will slip back through the doors and the truth will always show its face.

Blank

I feel blank

Unable to think

Unable to speak

Is there a reason to be here?

Divorce may be what is important

God why me?

Unsure how to feel

Depressed

We are in the same house, but yet I fell alone

Separate lives

Unable to become one

Silence is what we have

Unhappy

Why go on?

No trust

No love

Fear….

Is there a point in this?

Where do we go from here?

My kids are my reason

They need me

They love me

Is that enough?  (I think so)

Their smile, makes me smile

They are my reason for living….

What happens when they grow up and leave?

What becomes of a broken hearted mom?

I am just blank!!!!

What Everyone Wants But Few Experience

There is something everyone wants more than money. There is something everyone desires more than fame. In the quiet place of every human heart, lives this universal desire:

Transformation.

Everyone wants the ability to change. If we experienced change based on intentions or desire, we’d all be who we want to be. But that isn’t the way transformation takes place. You can’t buy it. You can’t wish it into existence. You can’t be famous enough to attain it. Your intentions will never be good enough to make it happen. Transformation is illusive. Everyone wants it, but few experience it.

Most of us don’t struggle with new sins. There aren’t brand new temptations you’ve never experienced before that threaten to take you out all at once. We get caught up in the same few sins over and over and over again.

If you’re anything like me, your response to your most repeated sin is, “That was the last time.” 

• That was the last time I use that credit card
• That was the last time I talk to my wife like that
• That was the last time I cuss at my kids
• That was the last time I look at porn
• That was the last time I flirt with my co-worker
• That was the last time I hide that purchase from my husband

“That was the last time” become our famous last words.

Why don’t we change? Why do we repeatedly make promises that we have every intention of keeping, but don’t? Why do we desire to be different but only experience incremental transformation?

Here are three things I’ve seen in my own life that have prevented me from experiencing transformation.

1. Sin Management

There have been seasons in my life that I’ve convinced myself I can manage my sin. I can deal with it. It’s not that big of a deal. No one is getting hurt. No one knows about the secret struggles I have. I can handle it. I can stop anytime I want. Transformation only takes place in our heart as we submit all our life to Christ. Keeping parts of our heart hidden, trying to manage our sin puts a lid on the amount of change we are capable of experiencing.

2. Insecurity

What keeps most of us from changing and has held me back so many times in my life is my own insecurity. What will others think about me? If I admit I”m in debt, what will people think? If I confess my porn issue, how will my friends react? If I seek help for my anger management issues, that will change others’ perception of me. Insecurity causes us to pretend that we are more put together than we really are. Fake people don’t change. Insecurity always kills transformation.

3. Pain Avoidance

I like avoiding pain more than I like change. Change usually always requires pain. In fact, most of the seasons of transformation in my life have been initiated by tremendous pain or discomfort. Personal failure; Financial hardship; job transition; marriage problems; relationship issues. When begin to value avoiding pain more than we value transformation, we are guaranteed to stay the same.

I bet you want to change. You want to be different. I know that is the desire of your heart. You want a different marriage. You wish your relationship with your kids was different. You want to stop whatever it is you can’t stop. I do too.

Transformation is possible. There is a cost involved upfront…but the payoff is priceless.

—Refine us

Do you think that if a man or woman cheats they can really change?  I often wonder that myself how someone can say it was a mistake when it lasted for almost 3 months.  That was not a mistake, that was a choice.  How do I know that he will NEVER do it again?  I have so many thoughts in my head and just left with a big ?.  The confusion of what to think, feel, see and believe is overtaking my brain.  I am not sure if I believe in him, in us, in our family.

Change is a hard thing to do and can only be accomplished with God, so if you don’t have God can you change?  Do I believe he’s only cheated on my with one home wrecker?  I don’t know, but I don’t think so, just because he did it without fear, without a care in the world, would someone be like that if they only did it once?  I am not sure….I’m confused….

Being a mom of 3, 2 girls and a boy makes me realize what I want for my kids and I want my daughters to find a man NOTHING like their father and my son to be NOTHING like his dad.  And it is sad, because growing up myself, I would see my dad and think wow I want to marry someone like him.  My mom would even say things like your daddy is a good man, find someone like him, and I look at my husband and I think I want my kids to marry nothing like him, or be like him.  If they do turn out like him, it will break my heart.  Does that make me a bad person?