It went bad…

After the birth of my second child, things went down hill for me, i lost touch with who i was, i stopped caring about me.  But i was still, so i thought a good wife, we had a blast New Years Eve and on our Anniversary and so on… Little did i know there was a girl at his extra job prowling… I guess as time went on they became friends and as he became distant from me, i started to hate him.  I didn’t care that much about him.  I had also met a man, who i was becoming emotionally involved with.  He would listen to me, he was kind, and sensitive and just giving me the things that my husband wasn’t.  Well, as the girl was telling my husband things that i wasn’t, and was willing to touch him and etc… I didn’t like him touching me, i didn’t want to be married.  But before i was willing to walk away, i wanted to give it one last shot, so i begged for him to work on our marriage, however, i didn’t know at this point he was already having an affair.  I had a gut feeling that he was, but never took the time to prove it. I would wake up in the middle of the night and tell myself, get up, get the kids up and go to his job, but i didn’t.  I thought it was the Devil playing with my mind. After all we were going to church (my pastor was preaching on marriage, adultery, etc) and i felt like his morals were better then my own.  After all in my mind i wasn’t doing anything wrong because i wasn’t having sex with the guy i was talking to.  On my birthday in June, i knew something was wrong, when he didn’t want to be intimate with me, and when he did he was just so cold.  I cried that night, i remember, we went on vacation for my birthday and he was just so cold.  I knew at that point we were not one any longer, but now we had become two.  I left him not long after that, he came after me and begged me to come home, i told him no, he then told me he loved me and didn’t want to lose me and would do anything for me, i believed him, i came back.  A few weeks later i got a text that said “meet me at the doors”  when i called him and said what he came up with a lie, and he rushed home.  I knew then, but i figured he would be smart to end it, or to use a condom so he wouldn’t catch anything, or even get her pregnant.  In August of 2010, he changed again, i was still talking the my guy, but he became more involved, and wanted to spend time with me, and just be a husband.  I had my wall up and was unsure, but i was like OK, i still have so and so and so if he goes back to his bad ways oh well.  I finally ended it with my guy in April of 2011.  Mainly, because he asked me to have his baby, and we have never had sex and was just not something i was willing do.  So at that point things were going really good between my husband and I.  But all this was going to change in May of 2011.  On May 2, 2011 at 7:02pm my life shattered before my eyes…

The Beginning

Well, let see where to start at.  I guess i can give an introduction to this blog.  This is my journey in my marriage.  I have 3 kids and my husband had an affair.  It caught me off guard and i am unsure where it is going.  I don’t look at him with love in my eyes anymore. Yes, i hear that saying “once a cheater always a cheater”  I don’t really believe that, i have seen marriages survive after an affair, and it never happens again.  However, i am not completely innocent in this as well, for i had an emotional affair. But we will get to all that in blogs to follow.

But the beginning, i met my husband in the beginning of 2004 and we married in 2005.  Looking back now, how i wish i would have waited, because i didn’t really know him.  However, i fell in love with him and felt like God had answered my prayers.  I was tired of dating and jumping from relationship to relationship.  I finally told God, I am done, when you are ready for me to meet that someone special you will bring him to me.  All my friends were getting married at this point, having children and i had nothing.  So when i met my husband, i thought wow, God has answered my prayers.  I had so much fun with him, he was there for me when i needed him, he listened, he didn’t rush me into anything, he was kind, affectionate, more or less to good to be true, which i later found out.  We had our first child a year later, and that’s when things changed.  He wasn’t that attentive man that i met, he compared my pregnancy a lot to his first wife, and it angered me.  I started to lose my care for him.  He wasn’t there for me anymore, he started to treat me more like his maid more then his wife.  In that same year i started to go to church, i realized i needed God in my life.  Though, in truth i did it because i wanted my daughter to grow up in a church and learn about God. I learned that i really love church (that church) and just wanted to live a Christlike life.  In 2008 we had our second child, which made the marriage grow even weaker then before.  We stopped talking to each other, i started having medical problems like never before and we just stopped loving each other.  I think we stayed just because of the kids.

I knew something was wrong, but really never believed that he would cheat on me, i thought we had the same morals in life, and that if he did ever cheat on me he would be smart enough to not get caught not that its right to cheat rather you get caught or not.  We have gone through several therapist prior to the affair.  But i feel like i am the only one who ever tried to save my marriage or make it work. I did leave him a few times, but he always came and begged me to come back and that he loved me, so of course i came home, just because i really didn’t want to break up a family, and at this point i was walking with God and i knew that God was not OK with divorce unless there was adultery.  At this point there was not, so i didn’t have the right to leave in God’s eyes.  Looking back at times i wish i would have just left.  My life would be hard, but easy at the same time.  People use to always ask me, do you think he would cheat and i would always say no, he may be a jerk, but he wouldn’t ever cheat, and if he did she would end up pregnant… Little did i know my worse fears came true….