Therapy

So I went to my first therapy appointment.  I obviously have a lot going on in my head.  She told me that I had a lot of issues going on in my head, and that I need to work through them.  We talked about my marriage, the affairs we both had and why we did it.  She also told me that just because a man cheats doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it just means that he didn’t respect his marriage enough at the time to not cheat, because the marriage was empty, it was dead, especially if I was telling him that I hate him, he disgusted me, that the sight of him makes me want to kill myself.  Any man would run into the arms of another female, especially if on top of all that I refused to have sex with him.  And that the fact that another man was telling me sweet things that made me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, and appreciated is what led me to another man.  I have to agree with her on all aspects of it.

She told me that we could fix our marriage, it will be a ton of work, and it will be hard, but it can happen. She did tell me, that not only do I need therapy so does my husband. He needs to learn to fix what’s broken instead of allowing it to get so bad that he and/or I run to another person to fulfill our needs.  And then on top of that we both needs marriage counseling together.  So I did speak to him about it, and we both agree that we should do about 6 months separate from each other, to learn about ourselves, our needs, and our wants in life, in marriage etc….And then find someone to do it together.  Because even though we can walk into it now, we need to find ourselves first. I have to figure out me, who I am again before I can even begin to worry about my marriage. I have learned, not to be so evil when it comes to my marriage, but I still can’t and won’t say I love you.  Though she told me I need to, I can’t say it.

She also told me that I have to get out of bed and that will help me.  But the more I become accustomed to hiding out in my blankets the worse that I will become. I have to say, since Friday, I have NOT stayed in bed, I have been cleaning like crazy, but hey what can I do, it became obvious to me, that if I don’t change soon, my kids are going to end up hating me. And that is the last thing that I want to do.

She also told me that I am a prisoner in my own head.  That my mind has become its own.  That the “whore” has moved into my head and refuses to leave. I say this because, I can be sleeping, and in my dream I can be having the time of my life, and she will appear in it, and I will wake up and want to punch my husband in the face.  Even though he didn’t have anything to do with my sleep.  I can sit here laughing, having fun, and she will appear in my mind, and my anger turns into a rage.  She said that I have to retrain my mind, to get it to stop causing me to see things that I obviously have never seen, and to let go, not forget but to get it out of my mind.  She diagnosed me with something I just can’t remember what it was called.  I have to admit she was right. She also said I was OCD, that I go to the extreme and play stuff over and over again.  Maybe not to the point where if I don’t I will lose control, but that my actions show a sign of OCD.  Even though it will take time, she said it will get better, and obviously by me coming to her to get help is a big step and saying I have lost control of my life.

She is extremely nice, and honest with me.  She doesn’t make me feel like I’m completely right and he was completely wrong. She lets me know that yes he was wrong in this and that, but I was wrong as well.  So that Is a plus in my book.  I think that in time my eyes will open and I will see what is best for me and my kids.  Rather its to stay with my husband or not.  This will help me clear my head, but no matter what I have to forgive him, and I just don’t know how to do that either.

Getting Help

So I have realized that I need to get help.  I have really reached the bottom of this depression, to the point that everything is getting to me.  I can’t deal mentally any longer. It is a struggle to get out of bed, to do daily things, and I know it’s not healthy.  Looking at my kids and realizing i’m missing so much because I don’t have the motivation or want to do anything.  I have NEVER been so excited about them going to their grandparents for the summer as I have been this year.  What is wrong with that?  I shouldn’t feel that way.  I should want them home, and miss them, and want to just play with them. I have 3 beautiful kids who I love more than anything, but I have realized that right now it’s probably best for them to go to my parents house for a bit.

I am finally going to get help though, I’m going to talk to a therapist about my problems, from my childhood, to my parenting, and most of all the betrayal in my marriage and the hurt it has caused me.  The therapist I am going to is a Christian which is a major PLUS.  That way I know at least she will look at it in a Christians point of view and not a worldly point of view.  I just hope that I like her, and am comfortable talking to her.  I am ready to find me, and get back to who I am.  I am just a lost soul right now who feels like the world is against her.

I took this picture and added the words to it, I feel like I need to read this to myself daily, because I know God has a plan for me, I just don’t know what it is yet.  I don’t have a lot to say right now, I just wanted to say I was getting help for my depression, and I think the time alone, will do good for me to find me again, to be the mom I once was.  My kids will have a blast with the grandparents.

Challenges

I face several challenges within myself when it comes to my husband’s infidelity.  I fight with myself every day. I have NOT told him that I love him since I found out about the affair, I actually have told him several times that I hate him.  It kills me inside that my emotions are dead.  I have never not had something for someone, but I have nothing when it comes to him.  I know that it is not healthy to be in a dead marriage, but I am.  I pray on a daily basis for God to just give me some kind of love for him, but it’s just not there. I read an article that states, for a man to change after wrong doing and he claims to be a “Christian” that he has to allow the holy spirit to work in him for him to see.  I agree with that, but what do you do when he refuses to allow the Lord to change you?  I know he’s not cheating on me now, but I have so many questions in my head that it eats me up every day.  I still question myself just like I did when I first found out, like was it just this one skank?  Was there several other girls?  Why am I even considering staying with him? What happened to my self-esteem?  Had this happened 8 years ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to walk out the door.  Is it because we have kids that I’m willing to suffer for them?  I am so lost, that depression is really kicking me in the butt.  Just to function on a day-to-day basis has been hard.  I know some people say, you found out about this 2 years ago, why are you acting like you just found out today?  Let me say this, I got pregnant about a month and half after I found out, so my thoughts of the affair turned off, to make sure I had a healthy pregnancy, and that my stress didn’t cause harm to unborn son.  So yes, I had moments when I was mad, especially being that my son’s birthday is 3 days before the  illegitimate child birthday. So it makes it very hard for me, which is understandable in my eyes.  No it was not planned that way, at least not on my end.  I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant, but things happen, we won’t get into that again.  But the anger is still there, the fact that she LIES about their relationship and her knowing he was married etc.  Why lie about it?  Just everything getting to me, and the fact that my will power is slowing fading away.  I am alone, I live in a city where I have NO family, the in-laws I have here are just a joke, they don’t come around, they really have nothing to do with my kids, unless I ask them to babysit, because I have to work, and they have no school, or its the holidays, but rather than that its nothing.  It kills me, because my family would give the world to be with my kids, and attempt to as much as possible.  They take them every summer, and whenever else I ask.  But being that 2 of my 3 kids are in school, they can’t just go at anytime.  I wonder if i’m going to stay with my husband until they last one graduates high school just so they have their father around. Is that bad?  I think it is to some aspects. I found this question a married woman asked about her husband I thought I would share with you.

Question:  My husband has cheated on me with several women. He leads a worldly lifestyle and goes out to drink and womanizer. I want to forgive him and restore our marriage, but he denies any wrong doing and continues. He has cursed my womb and says that he does not want to have any children with me. He is a born again but backsliding Christian. Staying with him is too heavy a yoke for me to bear especially in a childless  and loveless marriage. I do not want to be the aggressor in a court of law by divorcing him despite all of these hard challenges, but I am failing. Are we to forgive even those who throw away our offering of forgiveness? What is God’s perfect will in this situation? What do I do?

Bible Answer: There are a number of previous questions which will provide you with God’s view about divorce and will explain when God allows divorce and remarriage. The questions are entitled, “Biblical Divorce and Remarriage,” “Is sex before marriage a sin?” and “If you are divorced and remarry, are you living in adultery?”
     Two  Reasons For Divorce. God allows divorce for two reasons: sexual  activity outside of the marriage by one of the spouses and when an unbelieving spouse wants to leave. Sexual activity outside of the marriage is the oldest reason for divorce. Most people call this adultery. Most people think that adultery occurs when one spouse  has sexual relations with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage. But the word Jesus uses for “fornication, unchastity, or marital unfaithfulness” means more than just sexual relations outside of marriage with someone of the opposite sex. The Greek word for “fornication, unchastity, or marital unfaithfulness” is PORNEIA and it includes homosexuality, and bestiality. The other reason God allows divorce is when a non-Christian spouse wants out of the marriage.
Your Situation. Your husband has committed marital unfaithfulness and therefore God will not withhold His blessing from you if you divorce him. God has granted you the right to divorce him, even though He hates divorce (Mal. 2:14-16). Yes, it is possible that your husband is born again. He may be like one the many Christians in the ancient city of Corinth who did not act or live like one. But the Apostle Paul was very concerned that they were not real and so he urged them to evaluate their own lives and ask themselves if they were real (2 Cor. 13:5). It is common for a person to claim or think he/she is a Christian, experience a period of joy, enjoy being with Christians for a while, but not be a real Christian. The proof is that they never really have a changed lives. Just read 1 John. The book was written so that we might know that we have eternal life. Real change occurs only when the Holy Spirit makes the change.

Conclusion: Even though you have the right to divorce him, God wants you to try to save your marriage and to forgive your husband. However, forgiveness does not mean that you ignore what has happened. I would suggest that you need to seek counseling from your pastor or a very good Christian counselor. If your husband still says that he is a Christian, then he might be willing to go to counseling with you. Your pastor may need to exercise church discipline in an attempt to motivate  your husband to stop sinning. Ask God to heal your marriage and to have your husband repent of his sins. That should be your first step, if you have not already taken it.

I understand what they are saying, however, I know in my heart, if my husband EVER has an affair again, its OVER!!!!!  No questions asked, I did a mean joke a few weeks ago, just to see if there was other women he could have slept with.  I told him I received a letter stating that someone was suing him for child support, and he left work, and was like this is bullshit, I haven’t cheated on you with anyone else, it was just that one person, I am not going to lose you over a lie.  It made me feel better knowing he was being honest, but it still makes me wonder if  it will happen again.  I do think if he’s a serial cheater you need to leave, especially when they don’t see anything is wrong with it.

The other challenge is friends and family, what they think about all of this. I know that this shouldn’t matter, but it plays a big role on your self-esteem.  I have some people who think I should divorce him with hesitation, maybe because they don’t like him, or because they want me to be happy, or maybe struggle, or maybe even be miserable.  My family is bias on this, they have no opinion, except do whatever makes you happy, and that they will stand by me, but they really don’t get the struggle I face every day.  Then I ask myself, does my husband think I’m stupid, or a joke for staying with him and not leaving?  Then I think about it myself, are people laughing at me because I didn’t divorce him.  It’s such a tug of war in my heart and not knowing how to handle it.  I live my life so confused right now I really feel like a zombie…

And then my final challenge right now is simple, if he loved me, and he claims he knew it was wrong why did he allow the affair to last almost 3 months?  How could he come home to me everyday and tell me he loves me, and go off and buy all this stuff for me and then leave me and go be with her?  He spent more time with her, then he did me and my kids.  He saw her every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, not sure about Thursday and Saturday.  I can’t remember what went on those day. But I know he saw her the other days. Then you wonder why our marriage fell apart, he put no effort in fixing or working on my marriage, why should I stay?  He hasn’t changed at all, he’s still the same ass whole he was before I found out. I can truly say that 90% of me is thinking that my marriage is over, and every day that percentage gets higher and higher.  So once it hits 100 does that mean it’s over?  I think so, but the sad part is that he will than show me he loves me and wants to be with me and wants to work on it, but it will be too late at that point.

A was watching a video and this guys said that Love is a choice we make, not a feeling.  Do you agree with that?  But if it’s a choice when do I chose not to love my husband at all?  Why does my heart not flicker when he’s a round?  Why do I have such hatred in my heart?

I’ve been gone

I typed an entire blog, and it didn’t post, just one line.  So I guess i will start over and hopefully I will remember what i wrote, if not oh well.

So I have realized that I have been gone for a while. I had to step back and really focus on myself, I would sit down and try to blog, but my anger was to great, and it got to a point, where I started blogging about the same things, I was saying the same things, I was just repeating myself.  I don’t think that my mentality was stable enough to continue blogging.  I had started to realize that I had become bitter, and that I was beyond angry, I starting to not care about myself, my life, who I hurt by my words or actions.  The only thing that matter to me was my kids.  But when your heart is dark and cold, that doesn’t even really matter any longer.  I lost myself, my morals, my beliefs, I was worn out and tired.  I didn’t want to ever get out of bed. I just wanted to sleep all day long.  God was no longer a part of the equation, yes I went to church every day, I listened to my pastor, I prayed for my marriage, but it wasn’t real.  It was just to attempt to make me feel better.  Seeing my husband not change only made it worse, but I had to step back and say you know rather he changes or not, I have to change for me.

I found this article and I wanted to share it:

Fighting With The Wrong Enemy

One of the biggest mistakes I make as a Christian is that I underestimate the spiritual battle I’m a part of every day.

If you are a Christ-follower that longs to make an impact with your life…you will face opposition.

So often we make the wrong person our opponent.

-Our spouse isn’t the enemy

-Our friends aren’t the enemy

-Our kids aren’t the enemy

-Our family (even your mother-in-law) isn’t the enemy

We have one Enemy that seeks to kill and destroy. He will attack the relationships that mean the most to you. He will distort truth. He will confuse motives. He will make it seem like those who you love the most are against you the most. He longs to destroy you.

You are in a battle. The Bible says that it rages in the heavenly realms, and it rages in our hearts and minds every day.

I’d like to offer you some suggestions on fighting this spiritual battle. I hope that these are an encouragement to you today:

1. God’s power is made perfect in your weakness. Call on him to fight for you. Stop trying to pretend you can figure everything out and just surrender to Him.
2. Acknowledge to those you are in relational conflict with that there are spiritual forces that are trying to destroy that relationship. Tell them that you realize that they are not the enemy, but that you have ONE enemy.
3. If possible, pray with that person (your wife, sister, friend) and ask God to be present in your relationship, to give you discernment and strength.
4. Live in the promise that greater is he that is in YOU than he that is in the world.

Maybe today you feel battle worn…in your marriage, in a relationship, emotionally, spiritually. Your Heavenly Father longs to restore your weary heart and fight for you…in this very moment.

Are you fighting with the wrong enemy? 

I know for me that I have been fighting with the wrong enemy, I have been fighting with God, when I shouldn’t have been.  God loves me and I know this, but it is hard to believe that when you have been hurt and disappointed and just alone.  I stepped back, and realized God will never leave me, I just have to trust in him to do his works, and that with all that has happened there is a reason, bigger then me.  Eventually he will show it to me, once I get rid of the anger and bitterness in my heart.  I don’t blog to get a large group of people to follow me, I do it because its nice to have a support group of people who don’t know me, so they don’t know my life, so they read this with a different mind-set then people who know me personally and know my life.  I found another article I would like to share.

“I’m desperate for God. I’m desperate for grace. I’ve messed up so bad. I am desperate.”

If I’m honest, I’m not desperate for God enough. I want God. I need God…but not desperately. I am aware but fail to acknowledge often enough that he is my only hope.

I think there are a few things that keep you and me in our seat and not on our knees.

Pride: I’m not desperate for God because I think I can be him. I can be smart enough. I can earn money. I can solve problems. I can figure things out. I can choose what is best. I can make the right decisions. It is because of our pride that it often takes pain, loss or tragedy to bring about change in our hearts. God allows life and circumstances to strip us of all of the things we take pride in so we reattached our hope to him.

Insecurity: We are insecure about what others think of us. Admitting we don’t have it all together could change their opinion of us. What will they think? How will they respond? Our reputation has become more important than authentic faith. We play a part for people rather than sharing our real selves with them. We put a lot of energy into building our image but we lose our desperation for God in the process.

Fear: What if God doesn’t come through? What if we acknowledge that He is our only hope and then He lets us down? If we control the situation. If we manipulate people and circumstances then at least we can semi-know the outcome. But if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and God leaves us hanging….then what? Fear is why we become really good at surrendering parts of our heart and parts of our life to God but not our full selves…because we need a back up plan, just in case.

I want to be desperate for God. Not desperate for what God can do for me or give me, but simply desperate for Him. I am asking God to take away any pride, insecurity or fear that keeps me sitting and observing Him and not on my knees worshipping Him.

I have a little bit of all three of these, My pride is that I think I can fix this and that I don’t need his help.  However, I am failing severely, I am not able to fix this at all.  I do have bad insecurities, not just towards God, but towards people, the people who know, the people who think wow she is stupid for staying.  It plays in my heart and my head.  But my biggest issue is FEAR.  Fear of being hurt again, being disappointed.  I would rather keep a wall up and not allow anyone else in, then to be hurt again.  Fear that God will turn his back on me, fear that if I forgive my husband he will cheat again, so I have to keep my wall up so that I don’t feel secure in my marriage.  I have had a life full of disappointments, I wonder when its time for my happy ending, when am I going to just live a good life.  Nothing in my life has been positive, NOTHING.  My kids are my world, my life, but this isn’t the life I envisioned when I had kids.  I know that life isn’t perfect, and everyone has trails and tribulations, but it just seems like for me nothing is good, my marriage has fallen apart, my family life is up in the air.  But I do believe through this all God does have a plan for me, I just need to sit back and allow him to work in my life and the plan will appear.