Over the past month I have sat back and really started to look at myself and my parenting. I have realized that I am very on and off, I am selfish at times and don’t want to do things that my kids want to do. I don’t believe as parents we should always give in and do what our kids want to do, but I think it’s a give and take. We shouldn’t always say no to having fun, going to the park, watching cartoons, reading etc…with our children because we are tired, or just want to be left alone. I wanted kids and I thought I would be a different type of mom. At the beginning I was a different mom. My life rotated around my kids, we were outside a lot, watching T.V., playing in the house, making a mess and then cleaning it up. I can blame my life, I can say my depression has taken over my life with my kids, my husband’s infidelity, the lack of him being involved to my standards, but is that really fair? Why point the fingers at someone else for lacking, when I should be the one picking up the slack and doing what other people are not doing. There are plenty of parents out there, that have no one and they go out of their ways for their kids and at times have to say no, mommy or daddy is tired, let me rest and maybe tomorrow we will do whatever it is. Kids grow to fast, we want them to hurry up, but then want them to slow down at the same time.
We as parents also like to judge other parents and the way they parent, I am guilty of it. I haven’t done it as much anymore, actually I really don’t do it anymore at all. I realized that I’m not one to talk, my kids are not perfect, and though I’m trashing someone else for the way they parent, my kids do things that I’m sure other parents go wow really how could that mom allow her kid to …. Yesterday I was talking to my kids and we started laughing because my oldest told me, “mom, look my birthday is first and I’m the oldest, then sisters is second and she’s the middle and brothers is last and he’s the youngest.” I thought wow, that is true that is not how I planned it or anything but their birthdays do fall in the order of their birth. Well having a SS, they said but his is after all of ours and he’s the oldest, and so the comment was made but that’s not mama’s son, if he was he wouldn’t be so bad, because mommy would spank him until he listened. And then questions were asked all the way to school, such as mommy how come his mom lets him talk back, why does he think he’s the boss, why can he make decisions, why does she try to say we do things he use to do, when we are not as bad as him, I don’t think he loves his mom because if he did he wouldn’t be so mean to her and at that point I had to stop them and tell them, every parent is different and they allow their kids to do things differently. I have no clue how to answer some of their questions when it comes to their half-brother, just because I don’t know the answers. I have been explaining to them that they can talk to me about anything and anyone without repercussions and boy they are. So it makes it really hard because I don’t want to talk about things with them, because I don’t want to say the wrong things, or say something that makes them think its ok, when it’s not. So I have to figure out the boundaries on this and when it is age appropriate.
Selfishness is a big deal, I have told myself several times, how can you expect your kids not to be selfish if you’re selfish, not to lie when you do, to be honest, when you’re not and to keep their word, when you don’t always keep it yourself. We are our children’s biggest influence and when we are negative or don’t keep our word, we can’t expect our kids to be the opposite. My life has been full of selfishness especially when it comes to church and God. I know that it’s ok to make mistakes, and we all do, but we have to say I’m wrong and fix it and attempt not to do it again. My oldest daughter is questioning if God is real or not. She has told me she is not sure if she believes in Jesus or heaven and hell. It hurt my heart and i didn’t know what to say or how to deal with it. So i left it alone until we got to church. I spoke to someone about it, and she made me feel better. It’s ok for her to question it, she is young, and she will get it, i have laid the foundation and she has to plant her own seed. The one thing after coming home and researching things about children and God and talking to the faculty at my church last night, most kids question it because they don’t see Jesus walking across the room, or sitting down. He’s not human form, and that most kids who never question it or wonder is usually because they don’t vocalize it and the reason is because they want mom and/or dad to be happy, so they hold it in and never really say hey, i don’t know if i believe in it. Also the other big one is do we lead a Godly example to our children. I can say NO i don’t. I am by far the worse when it comes to that. I had a conversation with their dad last night about it, and how things have to change when it comes to the way we are. My children’s salvation is very important to me. I don’t want to be the reason they question it, but I’m also not one to shove it down their throat, when i see some kids not really want to do it, but they do it to please their parent/s or that is the only time they spend with them in a positive way.
Church is a hard one for me, i love my home church, the pastor has great messages, the worship team is hard for me because i feel like some of them are not so real, they are on stage putting on a show. So it’s hard for me, but that is something i have to work through with God and myself. I also have some issues with staff members at the church and it has made me want to not go there, but my kids love that church and they have made connections with people, rather its the staff or other kids they have a love for that church. I do attend another church, but my kids really hate it. I have asked my oldest why do you tell “T” that you like it, and she said she lied to her because “T” likes the church and so she wants to like it to make “T” happy. I told her no, if you don’t like something tell the truth. So even though I like the church’s messages so far, i really need to rethink if this is a church to continue going to, mainly because they are not really getting anything out of it. I can’t be selfish on this one, because i know Jesus is real, but they are young and still learning about him.
So with the whole I Quit My Life, I also Quit My Parenting (old version). I have to start a new beginning with my kids. I love my kids and they deserve a mom who is going to be unselfish, and realize that they are going to grow up and if they fail it’s because of me. I understand that they will be able to change and not make the same mistakes I have made as a mom, but i am setting the foundation and the foundation is what holds everything up, but i also don’t want them grow up saying i wish my mom would have…..I want them to say my mom tried to do the best she could. No my kids will not always get their way, i will still be strict, but i am going to have to push my rules and stand my ground no matter who is around or what others believe, i have been pretty good on that one, but at times i slack and i don’t follow through. That has to STOP, i have to ALWAYS follow through. Do more with my kids, and get over that fear of doing it alone because of what other people might think which is probably nothing negative. When it comes to church and God, i have to focus on me and my 3 kids and do what i feel is best, and not worry about anyone else any longer, i tend to not go because i think about my husband and what if he wants to come to church, is it to far, or whatever else, there really isn’t a church that is to far for him to go, but i do have to look at times, because he does have to go to work, but most churches have different times to go, i also have to make sure it’s a church my kids are happy with as well as myself. Going to church last night, and being questioned by my daughter on why someone else didn’t show up and not having the answers, she took it upon herself and called her. I’m not sure what was said, and what all was asked, i didn’t really pay attention, i was walking and it was cold. When she did get off the phone, she said mommy i hung up on “T’. I said what, so she repeated herself. I said no you didn’t, she said, “yes” i told her, “I’m hanging up now.” I laughed because she didn’t hang up on her, but doesn’t really get the meaning. I was shocked she didn’t ask if i wanted to talk to her. She said mommy, we should have went and picked up “C” because he wanted to come to church, but his mom didn’t want to bring him. Why? I ignored her and didn’t know what to say or how to respond, so i changed it and told her to call her dad real quick. I am really seeing that my oldest is very curious about everything, and is like a sponge and soaks everything up. She then kept pressing the issue on why didn’t “T’ bring “C” to church and then said, she should have brought him, he needs to have a better heart. I continued to let it go and i eventually turned up the radio to get her mind off of it. But she is right, we as parents sometimes don’t do things because it is not beneficial for us, or because we have a million other reasons not to do it. Does that make it right? Should our kids sacrifice time with God or with good role models because of our own selfish reasons? I don’t know the reasoning on why things happen or don’t happen, all i can do is pray and hope for the best.
****I know this is long, but i have so much on my mind when it comes to my kids and parenting. What is right for me and my family, may not be right for everyone else. This is my thoughts and my wants for my kids. God is a priority to me and if i fail to lead them to him its my fault because i am not giving them the material needed to learn and accept him in their life. I think for then next few blogs i will be talking about parenting and my kids and things i see and agree or disagree with.******
God has a plan 