Children and Parenting

Over the past month I have sat back and really started to look at myself and my parenting.  I have realized that I am very on and off, I am selfish at times and don’t want to do things that my kids want to do. I don’t believe as parents we should always give in and do what our kids want to do, but I think it’s a give and take.  We shouldn’t always say no to having fun, going to the park, watching cartoons, reading etc…with our children because we are tired, or just want to be left alone.  I wanted kids and I thought I would be a different type of mom. At the beginning I was a different mom.  My life rotated around my kids, we were outside a lot, watching T.V., playing in the house, making a mess and then cleaning it up.  I can blame my life, I can say my depression has taken over my life with my kids, my husband’s infidelity, the lack of him being involved to my standards, but is that really fair?  Why point the fingers at someone else for lacking, when I should be the one picking up the slack and doing what other people are not doing.  There are plenty of parents out there, that have no one and they go out of their ways for their kids and at times have to say no, mommy or daddy is tired, let me rest and maybe tomorrow we will do whatever it is.  Kids grow to fast, we want them to hurry up, but then want them to slow down at the same time. 

We as parents also like to judge other parents and the way they parent, I am guilty of it.  I haven’t done it as much anymore, actually I really don’t do it anymore at all.  I realized that I’m not one to talk, my kids are not perfect, and though I’m trashing someone else for the way they parent, my kids do things that I’m sure other parents go wow really how could that mom allow her kid to …. Yesterday I was talking to my kids and we started laughing because my oldest told me, “mom, look my birthday is first and I’m the oldest, then sisters is second and she’s the middle and brothers is last and he’s the youngest.”  I thought wow, that is true that is not how I planned it or anything but their birthdays do fall in the order of their birth.  Well having a SS, they said but his is after all of ours and he’s the oldest, and so the comment was made but that’s not mama’s son, if he was he wouldn’t be so bad, because mommy would spank him until he listened.  And then questions were asked all the way to school, such as mommy how come his mom lets him talk back, why does he think he’s the boss, why can he make decisions, why does she try to say we do things he use to do, when we are not as bad as him, I don’t think he loves his mom because if he did he wouldn’t be so mean to her and at that point I had to stop them and tell them, every parent is different and they allow their kids to do things differently.  I have no clue how to answer some of their questions when it comes to their half-brother, just because I don’t know the answers.  I have been explaining to them that they can talk to me about anything and anyone without repercussions and boy they are. So it makes it really hard because I don’t want to talk about things with them, because I don’t want to say the wrong things, or say something that makes them think its ok, when it’s not.  So I have to figure out the boundaries on this and when it is age appropriate.

Selfishness is a big deal, I have told myself several times, how can you expect your kids not to be selfish if you’re selfish, not to lie when you do, to be honest, when you’re not and to keep their word, when you don’t always keep it yourself.  We are our children’s biggest influence and when we are negative or don’t keep our word, we can’t expect our kids to be the opposite.  My life has been full of selfishness especially when it comes to church and God. I know that it’s ok to make mistakes, and we all do, but we have to say I’m wrong and fix it and attempt not to do it again.  My oldest daughter is questioning if God is real or not.  She has told me she is not sure if she believes in Jesus or heaven and hell. It hurt my heart and i didn’t know what to say or how to deal with it. So i left it alone until we got to church.  I spoke to someone about it, and she made me feel better.  It’s ok for her to question it, she is young, and she will get it, i have laid the foundation and she has to plant her own seed.  The one thing after coming home and researching things about children and God and talking to the faculty at my church last night, most kids question it because they don’t see Jesus walking across the room, or sitting down.  He’s not human form, and that most kids who never question it or wonder is usually because they don’t vocalize it and the reason is because they want mom and/or dad to be happy, so they hold it in and never really say hey, i don’t know if i believe in it.  Also the other big one is do we lead a Godly example to our children. I can say NO i don’t.  I am by far the worse when it comes to that.  I had a conversation with their dad last night about it, and how things have to change when it comes to the way we are.  My children’s salvation is very important to me.  I don’t want to be the reason they question it, but I’m also not one to shove it down their throat, when i see some kids not really want to do it, but they do it to please their parent/s or that is the only time they spend with them in a positive way.

Church is a hard one for me, i love my home church, the pastor has great messages, the worship team is hard for me because i feel like some of them are not so real, they are on stage putting on a show.  So it’s hard for me, but that is something i have to work through with God and myself.  I also have some issues with staff members at the church and it has made me want to not go there, but my kids love that church and they have made connections with people, rather its the staff or other kids they have a love for that church.  I do attend another church, but my kids really hate it. I have asked my oldest why do you tell “T” that you like it, and she said she lied to her because “T” likes the church and so she wants to like it to make “T” happy. I told her no, if you don’t like something tell the truth.  So even though I like the church’s messages so far, i really need to rethink if this is a church to continue going to, mainly because they are not really getting anything out of it.  I can’t be selfish on this one, because i know Jesus is real, but they are young and still learning about him. 

So with the whole I Quit My Life, I also Quit My Parenting (old version).  I have to start a new beginning with my kids.  I love my kids and they deserve a mom who is going to be unselfish, and realize that they are going to grow up and if they fail it’s because of me. I understand that they will be able to change and not make the same mistakes I have made as a mom, but i am setting the foundation and the foundation is what holds everything up, but i also don’t want them grow up saying i wish my mom would have…..I want them to say my mom tried to do the best she could.  No my kids will not always get their way, i will still be strict, but i am going to have to push my rules and stand my ground no matter who is around or what others believe, i have been pretty good on that one, but at times i slack and i don’t follow through.  That has to STOP, i have to ALWAYS follow through.  Do more with my kids, and get over that fear of doing it alone because of what other people might think which is probably nothing negative.  When it comes to church and God, i have to focus on me and my 3 kids and do what i feel is best, and not worry about anyone else any longer, i tend to not go because i think about my husband and what if he wants to come to church, is it to far, or whatever else, there really isn’t a church that is to far for him to go, but i do have to look at times, because he does have to go to work, but most churches have different times to go, i also have to make sure it’s a church my kids are happy with as well as myself.  Going to church last night, and being questioned by my daughter on why someone else didn’t show up and not having the answers, she took it upon herself and called her. I’m not sure what was said, and what all was asked, i didn’t really pay attention, i was walking and it was cold.  When she did get off the phone, she said mommy i hung up on “T’. I said what, so she repeated herself. I said no you didn’t, she said, “yes” i told her, “I’m hanging up now.” I laughed because she didn’t hang up on her, but doesn’t really get the meaning. I was shocked she didn’t ask if i wanted to talk to her.  She said mommy, we should have went and picked up “C” because he wanted to come to church, but his mom didn’t want to bring him.  Why?  I ignored her and didn’t know what to say or how to respond, so i changed it and told her to call her dad real quick.  I am really seeing that my oldest is very curious about everything, and is like a sponge and soaks everything up.  She then kept pressing the issue on why didn’t “T’ bring “C” to church and then said, she should have brought him, he needs to have a better heart.  I continued to let it go and i eventually turned up the radio to get her mind off of it.  But she is right, we as parents sometimes don’t do things because it is not beneficial for us, or because we have a million other reasons not to do it.  Does that make it right?  Should our kids sacrifice time with God or with good role models because of our own selfish reasons?  I don’t know the reasoning on why things happen or don’t happen, all i can do is pray and hope for the best. 

****I know this is long, but i have so much on my mind when it comes to my kids and parenting. What is right for me and my family, may not be right for everyone else.  This is my thoughts and my wants for my kids.  God is a priority to me and if i fail to lead them to him its my fault because i am not giving them the material needed to learn and accept him in their life.  I think for then next few blogs i will be talking about parenting and my kids and things i see and agree or disagree with.******

I Quit My Life

It is so funny that this morning when I woke up and started to drive to church my thoughts were “God, I Quit My Life!!!”  I didn’t know exactly where I was going with that, I just knew that I was tired of my life and they way I was living.  So the pastor at the church I am visiting right now, had an awesome message this week.    Well, no he’s had a few good messages, I feel like he’s just talking to me.  God is telling me start over, let go, breath and move on. I have big plans for you and you won’t let me, because you keep holding on to the negative, the ugly, and that I will never really know the whole truth in my husband’s infidelity so let it go.  MOVE ON!!!!  He’s asking me to allow him to work in me, to give it to him and wait and see.

My marriage and my life, as well as my kids belong to God and his wants in our life.  I have to stop fighting him and just let him take control.  The pastor made a statement last week he said, “Believe it, say it, see it.”  I have to believe that he is going to work in my life and actually say it out loud and I will see the miracles he has in store for me. I have been doing this on my own now for almost 3 years, and my marriage is still terrible, my kids are hurting because of it, and the anger inside of me is killing me.  The thoughts that I have about cheating on him for a few months and flaunting it, is not the way to go. No sin is great then the next and God will not say that because he did it, it is ok for me to go sleep with some other man.  He will punish me for it.  So I have to allow my life to belong to God no matter how hard it is.  Old ways are extremely hard to change.  The Pastor also said that “God is always speaking, but we are not always listening.”  I believe that, because I will get angry or want to send D (my spouse) ugly messages and sometimes they will not go through and I will keep trying over and over again, until it finally goes through, though I hear God saying don’t send it.  I choose to ignore it and do it anyways.  It’s the same when I’m talking a to a friend, sometimes when I’m talking about D, and I’m angry or something sparks a memory, I go off and I hear God saying stop, and I ignore him.  “The higher you want to go, the deeper you need to dig.”-Pastor How true is that statement?  Extremely true.

This is the hardest for me, I trusted him and believed in my D and he betrayed me.  It hurt so deep that I’m not sure if it hurt more because I had so much faith in my marriage that I believed he would never cheat on me, or was it more the embarrassment of it?  The fact that people knew and I didn’t.  The fact that people I told, told others and I am ashamed and humiliated by it.  I know that I can grow from this and move on with the help of God. I am no longer going to allow this to hold me down.  D and I are going to start marriage counseling, I am making the call tomorrow and if he takes it as a joke than that is on him, but I am going to allow God to heal in me.  “God has dreams for me, but I’m not ready for it.”-Pastor.  How true is that?  He has hopes and wants for my life and my future.  “You can go from less than, to more than.”-Pastor.  You just have to believe in it.

 

I have secrets in my heart, things I haven’t discussed, or said to my friends, those who have hurt me and don’t even know it, those who I feel in some way betrayed my trust by going to others.  The fact that I’m keeping it a secret is hurting my heart, but I don’t want to hear excuses or the I didn’t think it would bother you, or the I had to tell someone because….I am going to have to take the time to pray hard about it and allow God to really work in my heart on if I should talk to them about it, or send them a letter (sometimes for me it’s easier to write it then say it).  But one way or the other I have to let it go and allow God to handle it with me or without me.  Either way its his. 

Imperfection

Have you ever looked up at the clouds and realized how they all come in different sizes, shapes, colors and some are calm and some look like they are in a bit of rage?

 look at my life and others around me and there are imperfections all around me.  A couple of weeks ago my son ended up in the hospital and then was sent to PICU and that was the scariest moments of a mother’s life.  At that point nothing seemed to matter to me.  The things in my life that I had done bad was all coming back to me, and I was like wow is this my Karma knocking on my door, for all the anger I have had inside of me towards my children’s father?  The fact that when I hear people are out to get the home wrecker I am excited and willing to help them out and I sit here a plot on her to get even, for her for being a part of my life falling apart? My life was never perfect, my marriage was never perfect, but I would see marriages and I would see people and think their life must be perfect.  And then when I sit back and think about it, who’s life is really perfect?  We are all imperfect people only wishing to have a perfect life.  I listen to a Pink song all the time and it is my reality.  I’m sure most of you have heard it.  Sorry for the little bad word that she uses, but she is to the point and blunt….

I have so much that goes through my mind that when I start to type it, It goes away and another thought comes to mind.  I am starting to see who I really need in my life and who I don’t want in my life.  I have been thinking and thinking and thinking and I know a lot of negative people, and then I know people who I thought were negative and yet those are the ones who support me the most.  Friends that I lost as years went by, or friendships lost because of different paths in life, we have come back together, maybe they judged me or I judged them, but after everything that has happened with my marriage, they haven’t judged me, if they have they haven’t in my face, or where I can see them.  When I need prayers, they are the first to pray for me. People I thought didn’t care, maybe they don’t care and they have me fooled, but those I thought would be there for me, are not and were not.

I miss the life I had before meeting my husband, the life where I was happy no matter what, life couldn’t bring me down.  Now my life is my children, whom I love with everything, but sometimes that just isn’t enough.  I will NEVER walk away from them, and they are the reason why I breathe, but at the same time, I need to be happy with my life outside of my kids.  And I’m trying to figure out what will make me happy?????

Time to Change it up

Children, A Blessing From God

By author unknown

Children are a blessing sent from God above For us to care and nurture and most of all to love. God calls us to be parents and provides us with the tools And when we feel like giving up, our strength He will renew.

Children are a gift from God that He so freely lends To make it through the childhood years, on Him we must depend. He must have a presence, you see it must take three The parents, child and Christ to be a family.

From childhood days to a child full-grown Their joys and hurts are a parent’s own. Times of joy and laughter and those times of tears The times spent raising children are surely the best of years.

There comes that time in life when a child will leave the nest We must send them off with love and trust God with the rest. We’ve shared the Word of God, we’ve taught them right from wrong. Now it’s time to let them go and let them write their song.

The faith instilled, the examples lived, and the lessons taught All gifts that we have given our child, will never be forgot. So many paths that they can take, right or wrong remains unknown But rest assured that in the end, they all lead back to home.

I know that for the most of my blogs it has been about my marriage and what my husband had done. But I don’t want to talk about that right now.  After all my blog is called findingmywaywithgod not finding my way through this affair.  However, my life now does reflect on the affair.

I have realized since finding out about my husband’s affair, that I have been very depressed, to a point where I just don’t care about anything at all. My children have been out of control, which than angers me.  I would sit back and allow them to act however they want, yes I would yell, or tell them wait until we get home, etc…But the reality I didn’t follow through with most anything.  Sometimes I did, but not often, I’m sure I confused them more than anything. God was a part of my life, but not by much.  My life was out of control, I didn’t want to deal with reality, i didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that i have 3 kids who need me.  So i had to open my eyes and say even though i don’t like my husband, i do love my kids, and i do want what is best for them.  So yes, i took a break from blogging to really focus on my life, the things that i need to do to be a better mom.  If their dad wants to step up and be a better dad than that is on him NOT me!

I have started taking parenting classes at my church, not to teach my about being a bad parent, or how to improve my parenting, but how to raise my kids Godly.  What I shouldn’t be doing to break my children’s spirit etc….But anyways, so i remember going out to eat with a friend and she said something that has stuck to my mind for a while, and as i sit back and meditate on it, i found what i needed in myself.  So what happened was we were eating dinner, and her son, my stepson (me and her are best friends), was opening up a fortune cookie, (4 kids, ages 11,7,5, and 1) and didn’t want to take the time to sound out his words and read it, so my daughter read it.  I made the comment to my step son are you not embarrassed that your 11 and your 7-year-old sister just showed you up?  His mom got mad, and was like what are we learning at church, why even take the class if you’re not going to listen or follow it?  I didn’t respond to her about it, because my first thought was like really, you do crap all the time that is against God when it comes to parenting. But then i was like no Pam don’t go there, it is pointless.  I am accountable for my actions, and i have to answer to God.  Then when i came home, and i thought about it, i was like if my child didn’t read at the level they should have, i would have been upset as well, however, i would have never said anything about God.  So it kept bothering me, and i realized that i am tough on my kids when it comes to school. My daughter is 7 she is in the 2nd grade, but is a straight A, B student.  She gets 1 or 2 B’s and the rest are A’s.  She is going to a private school, and for those who know about private schools, they teach at a greater level.  I push her hard, she’s very smart, and bright, and i know this. My other daughter is smart and bright, but on a different level.  However, i don’t allow my kids not to do something because it is to hard, they attempt it, and then i will help them figure it out if they are still unable to do so. Where am i going with this right?   I realized that my daughters slack off sometimes because of the company they are around, and that as a mom, it is my job, to say no, it doesn’t matter who we are with, we are NOT going to act like that.  So this past few weeks, i have been with my kids and not around anyone else, except family.  And talking to may parents about my kids including my stepson, I realize that i have to love my kids enough to teach them respect and love, and if i’m around other people and they don’t agree with my parenting that is their deal not mine, but that i have to STOP trying to please everyone but me and my family.  If other people see that its ok for their kids to be disrespectful then so be it. If they allow things with their kids that i don’t with mine, then i need to continue to push my rules on my kids and if they think i’m the meanest mom in the world so be it.  At least i can say my kids have respect, compassion, and love.  I also don’t want to be that mom, who puts on a front, who disciplines in front of people, but i really don’t care when we are alone.  I am NOT my kids friends, and i know a lot of people who are on a thin line of being a friend more than a parent. My kids have friends at school, they don’t need a friend at home they need a parent.

I know this blog is everywhere, and this wasn’t what i was actually going to blog about, it was going to be more about the depression and the way it has affected my kids.  However, i felt like i need to start on this, so you can see where my heart is first and that I have come to life and am turning to God in my relationship with my kids and my husband, instead of turning to my friends to tell me what is right and wrong.  I have to make God happy, and if my friends are my friends they will respect whatever i do with my life and my family.