It is so funny that this morning when I woke up and started to drive to church my thoughts were “God, I Quit My Life!!!” I didn’t know exactly where I was going with that, I just knew that I was tired of my life and they way I was living. So the pastor at the church I am visiting right now, had an awesome message this week. Well, no he’s had a few good messages, I feel like he’s just talking to me. God is telling me start over, let go, breath and move on. I have big plans for you and you won’t let me, because you keep holding on to the negative, the ugly, and that I will never really know the whole truth in my husband’s infidelity so let it go. MOVE ON!!!! He’s asking me to allow him to work in me, to give it to him and wait and see.
My marriage and my life, as well as my kids belong to God and his wants in our life. I have to stop fighting him and just let him take control. The pastor made a statement last week he said, “Believe it, say it, see it.” I have to believe that he is going to work in my life and actually say it out loud and I will see the miracles he has in store for me. I have been doing this on my own now for almost 3 years, and my marriage is still terrible, my kids are hurting because of it, and the anger inside of me is killing me. The thoughts that I have about cheating on him for a few months and flaunting it, is not the way to go. No sin is great then the next and God will not say that because he did it, it is ok for me to go sleep with some other man. He will punish me for it. So I have to allow my life to belong to God no matter how hard it is. Old ways are extremely hard to change. The Pastor also said that “God is always speaking, but we are not always listening.” I believe that, because I will get angry or want to send D (my spouse) ugly messages and sometimes they will not go through and I will keep trying over and over again, until it finally goes through, though I hear God saying don’t send it. I choose to ignore it and do it anyways. It’s the same when I’m talking a to a friend, sometimes when I’m talking about D, and I’m angry or something sparks a memory, I go off and I hear God saying stop, and I ignore him. “The higher you want to go, the deeper you need to dig.”-Pastor How true is that statement? Extremely true.
This is the hardest for me, I trusted him and believed in my D and he betrayed me. It hurt so deep that I’m not sure if it hurt more because I had so much faith in my marriage that I believed he would never cheat on me, or was it more the embarrassment of it? The fact that people knew and I didn’t. The fact that people I told, told others and I am ashamed and humiliated by it. I know that I can grow from this and move on with the help of God. I am no longer going to allow this to hold me down. D and I are going to start marriage counseling, I am making the call tomorrow and if he takes it as a joke than that is on him, but I am going to allow God to heal in me. “God has dreams for me, but I’m not ready for it.”-Pastor. How true is that? He has hopes and wants for my life and my future. “You can go from less than, to more than.”-Pastor. You just have to believe in it.
I have secrets in my heart, things I haven’t discussed, or said to my friends, those who have hurt me and don’t even know it, those who I feel in some way betrayed my trust by going to others. The fact that I’m keeping it a secret is hurting my heart, but I don’t want to hear excuses or the I didn’t think it would bother you, or the I had to tell someone because….I am going to have to take the time to pray hard about it and allow God to really work in my heart on if I should talk to them about it, or send them a letter (sometimes for me it’s easier to write it then say it). But one way or the other I have to let it go and allow God to handle it with me or without me. Either way its his.
God has a plan 