Part 2-The Unfaithful Partner’s response

It’s common at this early stage to see your relationship as an emotional death camp, with no chance of pardon or escape.   You may decide to stay for many reasons-fear of being alone, guilt, the children, financial security, a sense of moral responsiblity–but you’re likely to assume that love is gone forever and that your partner is incapable of meeting your needs.

I know for my husband, he felt like it was over and that i would never even consider working this marriage out.  To be honest at the beginning he was correct, he hated him with everything inside me, he broke my heart.  I think that with all the reasons listed above is why my husband didn’t want me to leave and begged me to stay.  I also think that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me.

Self-Disgust: “I have nothing to say in my defense.  I feel like a sleaze.”  You may also feel deeply ashamed of yourself for violating religious or family values that enjoined you to honor martial vows and stay the course. Sometimes there’s no justification for the wretched, even  diabolical way you treat your partner.

There was honestly nothing he could say to me that would make what he did to me ok and right.  He was ashamed and felt like a complete loser for cheating on me.  He claims that he has prayed and asked God for forgiveness and for him to help me forgive him, i just don’t think he’s praying hard enough, because my heart is still hardened.  He didn’t honor our vows and i remind him of that almost everyday. Which in some ways i believe could be doing more harm than good in this marriage.  I know for us there was times when he would be a complete butt to me for no reason at all, or would start a major fight with me and tell me he hates me and can’t stand me, but then tell me he’s sorry and loves me. I couldn’t even imagine holding such a guilt in my heart and not telling anyone out of fear.

Guilt can be a healthy reminder that you’ve been untrue to yourself, a message to live more closely to your convictions.  Among those qualities you may fault yourself for are:

• feeling so insecure, so uncertain about yourself, that you become vulnerable to the attentions of those who build you up;
• keeping your unmet needs from your partner, then going elsewhere to have them met;
• feeling entitled to have your needs met without regard for the needs of others;
• ignoring or being unaware of your own personal conflicts, and blaming your unhappiness on your partner.

You have NO right to blame your partner for you affair–no one makes you cheat.

I know for me my husband blamed me or tried to blame me for the affair, telling me that i was never home, and he got lonely.  That i wouldn’t have sex with him and that he had to beg for it.  I do believe he was very insecure about himself and someone came and lifted him up.  But like i told him no one put a gun to his head and made him do it. He chose to do it on his own and he has to live with the consequences of the decisions that he has made.

Women have affairs to experience an emotional connection that they feel is lacking in their primary relationship.

I can honestly say that this is true.  We do get very emotional when we have affairs, we are emotional beings as it is.  Everything is about love or hate to us.  We are not physical people when it comes to affairs it does start with our hearts.  However, the other person involved doesn’t always have emotion or feelings they are there to be there.

Men, in contrast, are more likely to have affairs that lack emotional attachment.

I agree and disagree.  I think that some men do get emotional attached to the relationship and tend to allow their hearts to get involved.  I know for my husband he claims it was just sex, but i personally think it was more than that. I know in the beginning he said all she did was want to sleep with him and several other men.  I did find out that she was very much a whore and slept with several MARRIED men at the same time and has ruined several marriages.  It is just sad that there are people out there that no respect for themselves.

 

The Unfaithful Partner’s Response….

This is chapter 2 of the book.

“I know I strayed, but i didn’t mean to hurt you, and I never stopped loving you. Can’t we move on?”

My husband told me this, he also told me he never was going to leave me.  That he always loved me, just didn’t know how much until he realized how much this affair hurt me.  All i can think is are you freaking crazy or stupid.  And then stated he didn’t know if i loved him.  Okay so go cheat, yea i’m going to love you even more after the fact.  Not likely….My anger is so deep that hatred has taken over.  There is no love at this point.

I’m tired of lying

Did i hear this a bunch of times, that he was tired of lying to me and living with guilt.  My thought was then your ass should have told me instead of hiding it, second of all you shouldn’t have had the affair and there would have never been a reason to lie to me in the first place.  You did it to yourself, so deal with it, because i will never trust or believe anything you ever tell me again.

“I’ve left my lover and told you everything.  What more do you want from me!?”  Once the affair is disclosed, you may be eager to reach out and rebuild.  It’s not just that you want to reconnect, but, more selfishly, that you want to stop feeling the guilty every time you confront your partner’s pain.

I know for me, i want so much more, that i believe its unrealistic what i’m wanting.  He tells me he wants us to get past this and move on, and the he loves me and would never do this to me again.  Personally with all the hell this whore is causing he would be stupid if he ever cheated on me again, one DIVORCE would no longer be considered it WOULD happen without a second thought.  He does tell me he wishes that i would just stop because it does hurt him when i hurt and when i bring it up it also makes him sick.  That part i know he’s not lying on he has nephrosis which is a kidney disease, and when i get in my mood and i blow up for days at a time, he starts leaking protein into his body, which causes fluid build up, which then can cause him to drown in his own body if he doesn’t take his meds or get the meds.  But my anger once again, doesn’t care.

Even after the affair is revealed, you may feel little or no guilt over your behavior, no remorse for breaking your covenant of trust.

He tried to blame me at the beginning stating that i didn’t have time for him, or i didn’t care about him.  But that wasn’t the case, i just wasn’t wanting my marriage anymore at that point, but mainly stayed for the sake of my kids.  I still don’t really think he has guilt over the affair.  I still think that he is only upset that she came after him for child support which got him caught.  We would have continued living our lives had this never happened.  He would have never told me.

I think that this was a few of his thoughts: “What my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt her.  My affair lets me satisfy my needs without breaking up the family.”  “I never promised to be perfect.”  However, when we took our vows you promised to be faithful and not cheat.  And you broke it, he never has kept a promise he’s made to me this day.  So i can get it, he is not perfect, but when you make vows you don’t break them no matter what the reason is.

You may both have to live with the ghost of the lover, but that doesn’t mean your life together can’t be rich and fulfilling. 

My situation is a tad bit different, we are not living with the ghost of his “lover” they have a child together, however, she doesn’t stop running her mouth nor does her mom, they continue to talk and talk and talk to anyone who listens, but yet i have not put their business on blast, i have kept silent with all the things she has told my husband and things that i have learned from other wives whom she slept with their husbands.  So in reality i just wish they would shut up and go away.

As a parent, your likely to worry about the effect your affair is having on your children, and on their feelings toward you.

He feels like our kids hate him, i don’t think they hate him, they just know something is wrong, and that their dad hurt their mommy.  We really don’t talk about the kids when it comes to this so.  So i am not sure what his thoughts are on this situation.

continue tomorrow…..

Day 2

Continuation of Physiological impact of the affair…

“Who can i confide in and who’s there for me?  Your sense of shame and inferiority may make you think that everyone’s talking about you.  While one part of you wants to reach out to the world and tell the world how you’ve been violated, another part wants to remain silent and alone.  If you’re a parent, you’re bound to agonized about telling your kids.You also worry about unburdening yourself to your friends.  Can i trust them to keep my secret?”

 For me the first person i called was my mom, just was someone i ran to and then i ran to his mom, unsure what to expect her to say or react, then i called my best friend.  I didn’t say much to her i just cried.  Then i talked after about it feels like hours of crying.  It may not have been that long i don’t know but it seems like it was.  I wanted to scream at him and everyone else. I called his work, threatened to call his boss if he wouldn’t talk to me.  But then apart of me wanted to be alone, i was violated by him and her and the world. People had to know and no one told me about it.  I still try to figure out if its something i should tell my kids or if i should wait and tell them later in life or maybe never bring it up.  I’m still fighting with that internally.  As far as who can i trust, for the most part NO ONE.  I have told some people who asked me hey is it ok if i tell my husband because we went through something similar and our spouses are friends, so i said yes, but then there were some people who took it upon themselves to tell their friends, and family.  Maybe not thinking that i was already embarrassed and ashamed, so now i don’t trust telling anyone, because i’m not sure if they are going to go run their mouth and sometimes think if i never told anyone, maybe i wouldn’t be so ashamed of what happened, but then i think no, she runs her mouth so it wouldn’t have matter at all.

Loss of Sense of Purpose-Even the Will to Live

At this point i felt like my life had ended i was ready to die, i would pray every day that God would just take me home.  Remember this is 2 years ago, my mind-set is a tad bit different now. Though i am still deeply hurt, i want to live.  Though depression is here and hits hard, i want to live for my kids and be there for my kids.  So this part of my life has changed.

“Women are more apt to attribute the affair to their general unworthiness; men, to their sexual inadequacy. “

Difference #1: Women Try to Preserve the relationship; Men Turn and run. 

Difference #2: Women get depressed; men get angry

I can say for me depression hit hard i didn’t want to eat, i didn’t want to get of bed, there was a point where my kids told me, mom you’re the mom take care of us daddy is not here.  Realizing that, i had to get my head back on and take care of my care kids.  However, i just don’t care about what my home looks like anymore, and i still don’t. I may clean and pick up because i’m angry and it gets my mind off of it.  Rather then that i sit here and stare at the wall unless my son is awake, i will play with him until its time for nap.

Difference #3 Women feel inadequate as Companions; Men feel inadequate as lovers.  The man usually will insist, “i never loved the other woman; I never wanted to break up our marriage; my affair meant nothing to me.”

My husband told me the same thing, and to be honest i don’t believe him.  I do believe he never had the plan to leave me or my children, but i do think that she meant something to him, and the only reason he is not telling me is to spare my feelings which it really isn’t it just makes me believe he’s still lying and not being completely honest with me.

Difference #4: Women obsess; Men distract themselves.  Actively reliving the details of the affair, she keeps her hurt and insecurity alive. 

I know for me i think about the affair, and i think about the things they may or may not have done, the details of it, not knowing but i want to know every detail from point A to Z.  He of course will not tell me, which makes me mad, but i also get that he doesn’t want to hurt me, but i’m the person who wants to know everything. I use to dream about the affair, and the things that they did, and i would wake up wanted to just hurt him in more ways than one. I don’t know why women are like this, but i have become extremely insecure about myself.  And i’m hoping that by the end of this book i will be secure with myself again.

This is the end of chapter 1.  Just so you know that the bold is what i took out of the book and the regular is my thoughts and feelings about the affair, and how i am coping and dealing with it.

 

After the Affair Book….

A marriage can’t survive without grace and forgiveness. Keeping track of your spouse’s mistakes will rip the life out of you both. Freely give and seek forgiveness from each other and your love with grow…“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.” Proverbs 17:9

Just i have been reading this book that a friend referred to me called “After the Affair” by Janis Abrahams Spring, PH.D. with Michael Spring.  I am not a big reader so it takes forever for me to read anything.  I think i have been reading this book for 6 months.  And no  i am not done with it.  But being that my anger has taken the best of me and i stopped reading it for a while, i am starting over.  There was somethings this book has said that i want to highlight in this post and explain my thoughts and feelings.  I will be blogging about this book not giving you the entire book, but because this book will bring out things in me i will talk about it.  If you are where i am you may want to buy this book because it is extremely helpful.

I found the opening the statement “at 15 i was raped” i was raped as well, and got pregnant by this person.  I ended up having a miscarriage which i will say i am thankful for, however, not knowing that miscarriage because i refused to go the hospital was why the doctors told me i wouldn’t be able to have children.  They were wrong about that as well.  But as soon as i read that i knew i would be able to connect to this book.

“You may feel abandoned by everyone–family, friends,God.  A stranger to yourself….humiliated and needy the next.”  I felt abandoned yes, i felt like my parents didn’t care, all was talked about was money and how was i going to live with 2 kids on my own, and all i kept thinking was wow that’s all you care about.  Friends, just didn’t really get it and didn’t understand why i felt like i did, except those that went through it and really understood. All i heard was if he was my husband i would be gone, there is no way….I said the same lines and the reality of that is you don’t know what you will do until it happens.  I felt like God was just being flat-out mean to me and didn’t understand why he kept punishing me, and what i did to deserve this. God does not love me was my thoughts.  Humiliation was very true and ashamed of what everyone was thinking about me, the embarrassment that he did this and didn’t have any shame.  He claimed he hid it from the world, but did he, because she ran her mouth so obviously every knew but me.

The Physiological impact of The Affair

“Your constantly on the lookout for signs that your partner is straying again.”  This is very true, if he leaves to even go to the store to this day, i think is going to go see some girl, is he off chatting with a new one.  If he is on his phone to long i question is he doing it again, is he not.  I look at the clock and see what time he comes home and what time he leaves.  I check his phone when i get the change, i go through his truck to see if there is any signs of another affair.  It is eating me up inside.  But i am extremely afraid that he will cheat again, even though in my heart i don’t believe he would, just because i think that he was stupid, and the mistakes i made before neglecting him, i’m not doing now.

“Not only has your partner abandoned you, you abandoned yourself.”  I did lose myself, i stopped caring about my life, what was going to happen to me, i stopped wanting to even get out of bed, i didn’t want to get dressed, so i wore sweats and a t-shirt if that, most of the time i wore my PJs’ out because i didn’t want to.  I barely even brushed my hair, i just pulled it back in a pony tail and left, makeup didn’t happen for nothing.  I didn’t care about me, i figured if he didn’t care about me enough then i don’t about me either.

Compulsive behavior: “how do i stop myself?”  I do have this problem like i stated before, i go through everything and it’s almost been 2 years since finding out about this affair, i am compulsive, i know it drives him insane. I will smell his clothes as well to see if it smells like perfume, if there is makeup on it, any hair besides my own. I feel like at times i am psychotic.

Trying to explain your suffering, may feel punished or abandoned by your God.   “If God existed, if He was minimally fair, let alone loving and forgiving, how could He do this to me?” However, you see it-a cruel God betrayed you, an indifferent God deserted you, a just God found you unworthy and gave you what you deserved….  I have these feelings not as much as i did when i first found out about the affair.  but i did, i felt like God doesn’t love me, he wouldn’t destroy my world like this if he did.  I did walk away from God and abandoned him as well. I’m just so thankful that God stands by and waits for you to return.  Which i have come back and repented my anger towards him, for i know that he gives us all FREE will.

I am reading the book over again and blogging as i read the book.  It allows me to think about what it says and put my own perspective in it.  So this will also allow you guys to see where my mind was and is at today.

 

Outside Influences

So through all this stuff that has happened in my marriage, like normal people we run to our family and our friends.  We learn who our friends are and who are not our real friends.  I sit back and realize that i don’t tell a lot of people my business and that I keep a lot to myself.  Even while i blog i have things that go through my head that i chose not share with anyone.  I am not really sure why, but i think it’s because i don’t want to hear negative things.  I know for me and my marriage, i listen to what everyone says, from positive to negative.  And it does influence my day or mood.  I think that rather people want to admit it or not, we all think and worry about what others are thinking about us.  I have some friends who say your marriage can work, i have been through it, and we survived as of now i know 2 people who has worked through their relationship due to an affair.  But of course i know people who have ended their relationship.  I tend to listen to those who worked through their infidelity and is still married.  I know that it’s a long struggle, but i think it can work.  I know that when friends talk down about my husband, i tend to treat him worse than i would have had no one said anything about him.  I know that what he did was wrong, and he is at fault for his actions, but if i chose to stay with him, it is my choice, and the decision i have to live with.  My husband has come clean, and is trying to get my trust back, however, i do pick at the little things just so i can keep my wall up.  I have decided however, that if people do have something negative to say about him, i don’t want to hear it, i realized that i need to no longer talk bad about him, because it just makes it even worse.  I know that people say that you should never down your spouse, and at times i have just because i’m angry at him and all i am doing is allowing the Devil to step in and eat at my heart and continue to jab that sword deeper in.  I have to step back and say no more.  If i decide to talk about him, i need to stop myself,  especially if its going to be negative.  I do talk to one person the most, and that’s because she never talks bad about my husband, and she doesn’t talk down to me for staying.  Maybe because she has gone through it, not to the extent of what i went through, but she gets my feelings and my thoughts and doesn’t sit back and judge or say that isn’t true, or that may not have happened etc…She gets it, probably because she has had the same thoughts in a different way and understands.  I also wish that the people who i have told wouldn’t find it in themselves to go tell other people, rather family or friends about my situation. I am ashamed and embarrassed enough, and when i see these people i just want to crawl into a cave because i feel like i’m stupid for staying. I came to you as a friend, someone i thought i could trust, but then you go run and tell other people.  It is one thing to say i have a friend or i know….But to actually use names is completely different, if i come to you in confidence don’t run with it and tell the world, because i will think twice next time.  I know that i need to take the time to decide what is best for me and my kids, and have decided to handle this my way, yes, i may talk to some people, and that’s because they are not going to judge me or him and they are not going to say things that will make me double think my decisions.  I have to realize that this is my marriage and this is a choice that i have to make on my own and that i have to live with my choice.  So after thinking last night about all of this, i am going to do some changes in my actions and the way that i treat him.

Wish me luck!!!!

When i was younger

A little off the subject today!!!!

Growing up we all have this fantasy of how our life is going to be.  The wants we have, the life we plan for ourselves.  And when it doesn’t work the way we dreamed we get down on ourselves.  For me my dream was to go to college and become and attorney get married to the man of my dreams.

We were suppose to live in-house with a white picket fence. Have 2 kids and stay home and raise them.  Be a good wife, while my husband worked.  I would take care of my kids and my home.

After that we were suppose to be in love forever.  Nothing was supposed to break us up or come between us.  It was going to be us, happy and just enjoying life.

But that’s not how life worked out for me.  Instead, of my dreams, reality hit.  This is not a cinderella fairy tale.  Life is not about roses and candy.  Men do stupid things, just as women do.  No one ever told me that marriages fell apart.  My parents are still married and have been married for 41 years.  My grandparents never divorced they stay married until my grandpa passed away and my grandma never remarried.  So to me marriages last.  I had friends whose parents were not together, but not many.  So i didn’t really deal with it.  My parents weren’t real affectionate people, but they loved each other, and they never fought in front of me so if there was issues i never knew.  Yes, my mom told me things as i got older (married), but i didn’t know as a kid.  So my dreams of life is nothing like i expected.  I thought i would have two kids a boy and a girl, and my husband would be romantic, and all that good stuff…He would worship the ground i walk on, and never even think about looking at another girl.  People would be jealous of our love.  Was i wrong or what!?

There was this one guy that i always wonder about, what if i told him how i felt, instead of hiding it and expecting him to know, would we have been together today and my life be completely different. Would i be happy or miserable, looking at his life, i think i would have lived my dream.  But of course it is his life with another person so that doesn’t mean that would have actually been me.  Just my thoughts on my life.  This is the one regret of my life that i have lived with is not telling this person how i felt back in the day, because i live with the if!

I am thankful for my husband, he blessed me with 3 beautiful children, but this isn’t the life i dreamed of and it kills me and breaks my heart everyday.  I wonder what if i never met him where would i be at today, what if i would have waited longer before marrying him would things have been different, would we have been married  Just things that i have been thinking about these last few days, figured i would get them out of my mind.

I really didn’t want to talk about the affair today, just needed a break from it.  Will pick it back up tomorrow.  Just wanted something refreshing and not to think about the hurt in my heart.

God Say’s Divorce is OK

So i feel like maybe my heart is starting to heal and the broken heart is starting to get better, however my anger is still there from time to time, and i know that it will get easier.  I keep thinking about this song by Taylor Swift, perfect person to listen to.  Funny how she can’t stay in a relationship but this is my thoughts and its perfect with the song she wrote:

You say that you’d take it all back, given one chance It was a moment of  weakness and you said yes
You  should’ve said no, you should’ve gone home You should’ve thought twice ‘fore you let it all go You shouldn’ve known that word ‘Bout what you did with her’d get back to me
And  I should’ve been there in the back of your mind I shouldn’t be asking myself why You shouldn’t be begging for forgiveness at my feet You  should’ve said no, baby and you might still have me
You can see that I’ve been crying And baby you know all the right things to sayBut do you honestly expect me to believe We could ever be the same You say that the past is the past, you  need one chance….

I think of this song because this is the exact things that my husband said to me when i found out about the affair.  i still cry about it… But the one thing that is always said to me is God says you can divorce your husband because he committed adultery.  I am very aware of this, but that’s the deal when you marry someone your vows are “for better or for worse til death do us part.”  I took those vows serious.  I didn’t in my first marriage, but that’s because he would have eventually killed me.  My husband now does not hit me.  People don’t take their vows serious and i’m trying to.  But what i have read about God and divorce is that yes he gives me an out, but if you read the bible here are some scriptures God says about adultery:

Deuteronomy 22:22–24
“If a man is discovered committing adultery, both he and the woman must die. In this way, you will purge Israel of such evil. Suppose a man meets a young woman, a virgin who is engaged to be married, and he has sexual intercourse with her. If this happens within a town, you must take both of them to the gates of that town and stone them to death. The woman is guilty because she did not scream for help. The man must die because he violated another man’s wife. In this way, you will purge this evil from among you.” (NLT)

So my husband should be put to death just as the woman who slept with him knowing he was married.

” Jesus clearly allows for divorce under certain conditions but it is always  important to recognize that divorce was never the intention or the will of God for His people.”

Many people view marriage as a purely human agreement, like a rental contract or an agreement to buy a cow. Contracts made by men can be dissolved by men, and men may define the provisions of the agreement. But marriage is not like that. According to Jesus, marriage is much more than an ‘agreement,’ even more than what we would call a ‘contract.’ Marriage is a God-made covenant. Husband and wife are united by God as one flesh for life.   ‘God hates divorce’! “What God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6).

I take all that to heart, yes i can divorce my husband, but if i was to go literally talk to God he would more than likely say I prefer you to work it out with him.  If it can’t be fixed then go, but if you really believe in your heart it was a mistake and it is something that will never happen again then stay.  I am still unsure about what is going to happen and how i feel, i just know that i asked him one question which was: if there was one thing you regret doing and wish you could change what would it be?  If you knew him he jokes around a lot or is always a smart butt and never answers seriously, but this time he did he said “i regret losing your trust, and hurting you.  I wish i could take it all back and never have hurt you by cheating.”  I wasn’t expecting that answer and i’m still amazed he didn’t joke around and gave me a direct answer.  So for me right now, though God says divorce is ok. i am going to wait until he opens the door and shows me what he wants over what i want.

Don’t require your spouse to get his/her “act together” before you show love.

Agape love is a choice, and gives what is needed, not deserved.

Cheating and staying

 

So i was talking to a friend yesterday and we were talking about cheating husbands.  And she told me her husband told her that if a man is going to cheat there are only 2 reasons

1) he’s just a man who cheats

2)  He’s not getting what he needs at home.

So while talking to her i owned up to the fact that i neglected my husband.  I started an emotional affair and just wanted nothing to do with him.  Though it didn’t give him the right to go cheat on me, the reality is, i neglected my `marriage as so he did,   My affair started before his and lasted longer than his. The only difference is there was no sex in my affair.  However, no affair is better and an affair is an affair.  God doesn’t sit back and say well, my daughter you didn’t have sex with him, so his affair is a greater sin.  Both have an equal amount of sin and require equal amount of repentance to it.  I don’t really get how my husband has forgiven me right after i told him, if he hasn’t he is hiding it very well.  He told me we made mistakes, let’s get past them and move on, but i am not able to do so.  I have read several articles on why men cheat and most of them do say that it’s because “their wives won’t put out” or “there are things they want to try sexually” and the wife just is not into it or won’t try it so the mistress will and so they do it.  However most men say “we know its wrong”  but they do it anyways.

So i read this:  Common perceptions about wives who stay is that they have low self-esteem, that  they know that they couldn’t support themselves or afford to live on their own,  that they have an “open marriage” or are participating in their own affair, or  that they have chosen to put their family’s or children’s needs above their  own.  From experience, I’ve learned that many of these perceptions just  aren’t true.  I can say that some this is not why i stayed and some of it is why.  We do NOT have an “open marriage”  but at some point of my decision to stay was because of my children.  Not that is the only reason, but that is some of the reasons why i stayed.   I did however sit here and think and i still think about leaving my husband and moving on, and seeing what else is there for me.  It’s a fight i have with myself everyday.    Also just because i stayed doesn’t make me weak nor strong, i’m not ignoring what he did and i’m not excepting it as ok either.

I have stepped back and i understand why the affair happened on both sides.  I saw this saying on FB, i get quotes from Marriage Works and this is so true “We all see through filters that maximize our spouse’s faults while minimizing our own. Continually ask God for perspective to see things through His eyes.”  I act as though my affair was nothing because there was no sex and his was massive because their was.  When he cheated, he didn’t put his heart in it, it was just sex, for me it was my heart i was falling in love with this guy, and so was my daughters.  But i didn’t care, he was there for them, he played with them, he did the things my husband their father at this point was not.

Some or my anger wasn’t that he cheated and she became pregnant, it was also because he didn’t use a condom and the thought of him giving me an STD or HIV or AIDS scares the crap out of me.  The embarrassment of going to the family doctor and telling him i need an STD and AIDS test was embarrassing and him knowing my husband since he was a child and me for the last 8 years and having to explain to him why just crushed me to pieces.

“An affair begins at the place where you slowly drop your guard,

and leave your heart exposed for someone else to romance.

Guard your heart!”

Acknowledgement

As i sit here and think of everything in my life, i laugh, because this person has yet to acknowledge any wrong doing in this affair.  She is honestly trying to play the victim from say “i didn’t know he was married” to “I was in love with him”.  How can you say you love some one when you are screwing about 6 other people at the same time.  I sit here and wonder why is it hard for me to walk with my held up high, when she’s the joke of the town, When everyone knows her not in a good light, when several wives want to attack her.  People want revenge its sad to know that she has ruined so many marriages or almost caused several marriages to end.  But then i look at her picture and think why would a man want to sleep with her, what is sooo attractive about her?  She’s not pretty, she’s chunky, the only thing is that she allows them to do whatever makes them happy that maybe their wives won’t do like share here with other people, threesome, or just the fact that she’s used up.  To hear and know that she only went after married men is odd to me, is she having daddy issues. I joke and say maybe she’s sleeping with her step dad behind her moms back, but in a way i’m serious.  She loves to sleep with married men and it upsets me.  I pray that one day she acknowledges what she has done and stops lying to people yet alone her son.  In the long run, he will find out about it, and he will be upset that his mom lied this entire time about what went on between his father and mother.   As well as the fact that his mom has no respect for herself, let alone other people,  I pity her.

I can say that the one thing is that my husband acknowledges what he did and how he was wrong for what he did. Do i think he’s really sorry NO.  I really think he’s only sorry that he was caught, because had she never sued him for child support i would have to this day never knew about it.  Which makes me question who he is as a person.  If he can lie about something like this for a year then what else is he hiding.  Even though he says that he has told me everything and there are things that she is saying that is a lie, its hard to think about whose telling the truth, but seeing that i know first hand that she lies, based of a conversation she had with a friend of a friend i know she’s a liar.   But then so is  my husband, because he lied to me for so long that i don’t know what to believe when he speaks anymore.

I listen to Christian Radio sometimes and i listen to women who talk about their marriage and how they pray and pray that God works miracles in their marriage and i am like when is he going to work that miracle in mine?  I know that it’s on his time and he will eventually, but i also think that i’m not praying about it enough or hard enough and i tend to pray when i’m down or at church.  So of course he’s not going to answer them if i’m not allowing him to work in me.  I have realized that I am extremely angry and everyday that goes by i have nothing nice to say to my husband and everything i say is mean and ugly.  I need to learn to stop, I have asked God to step in and not allow me to do that anymore.

I really need to step back and go on a vacation by myself and just think about what i need and what i want in  my life and if i even want to work on this marriage, because everyday that goes by i want to leave this marriage and tell God sorry i deserve better than this life.  But then he replies with my work is not done in this marriage so don’t you dare walk out, or is that Satan telling me this and i am thinking its God?

Where My Heart Is Now

Through all of this i sit here and i wonder why am i still here, i am embarrassed, ashamed, angered, hurt, numb, and most of all confused about all of these feelings.  I don’t know how to walk down the street with my head held up high.  I sit there and think every time someone looks at me are they thinking is that the girl whose husband cheated on her and she stuck around, she’s such an idiot.  I think of how much i hate living here and i want to pick up and just flat-out leave.  At times i think , this marriage just isn’t worth it.  He doesn’t make me feel special or wanted, he’s just glad i’m not gone because with 3 kids and the fact that he had an affair i can take him for a lot of money and  he wouldn’t have a dime to crap on.  No i shouldn’t have these thoughts, but i do.  I sit here and think God if this was some plan of yours to do work in my marriage when is the work going to begin?  My husband acts like this was just spilled milk on the ground and its time to move forward, what he doesn’t understand is that he broke my heart and that the person i’m suppose to feel the most secure and feel safe with is the one person i don’t feel safe with or secure with.  I don’t believe he will ever cheat on me again, i think this was his lesson learned, he almost lost everything,  but then i have my doubts.   He tells me we need time to ourselves to go on a vacation, but our 8th anniversary just past and he did NOTHING yes i said NOTHING.   All i keep getting out of him is excuses of why he hasn’t done anything, but my thoughts is that’s excuses you work and drive by how many flower shops, you parents live next door and you can say hey i want to take her out for a nice dinner can you guys watch the kids for a few hours, but he does NOTHING, i’m hurt and angry.  I am not saying anything else to him about it, because if he doesn’t care enough to do something they screw it all.   I feel like he doesn’t care about me and i think that this just isn’t worth it anymore and its time to pack up and move on in my life.  Yes i have 3 kids, but hell one day out of the year when he should make me feel loved he failed.  I have brought it up to him, hell i barely even speak to him now because of how he makes me feel, but he just thinks i’m joking and i will get over it.  The last almost 2 years of my life has been hell, and its sad because i looked back at the time he was cheating thanks to Facebook, and i realized that while the affair was going on we still did things together as a married couple, we went to the movies, out to eat, birthday parties, etc….  At first i thought no we never did anything together, i was always at the gym or with my friends, and he did his thing, we neglected each other, but that was not true.  We were still even having sex,  there was a time i thought i was pregnant in June of that year while he was cheating.  Though we didn’t have sex a lot we did from time to time, and i remember him saying “how can you pregnant, we barely have sex?”  Had i not been caught up in my own affair i would have stepped back and thought your right we went from sex every day to every other day to once or twice a month.  But i didn’t even realize it.   My heart is broken and i don’t think he is ever going to change or try to fix it, so now my tug of war is do i stay or do i go? Is it worth it or not?  Do i stay for my kids and continue acting like we are happy even though deep down i’m falling apart, or do i leave and explain it to them later?  Do i love him, NO, i love him for the fact that he is the father of my kids, well no i love him yes, i’m just not in love with him anymore.  I have a few friends whose husbands had an affair, and it took years for them to heal and i see them now or hear them talk about their marriage and they are happy and they survived, so i sit here and think maybe i am not giving it enough time to heal, i’m wanting an overnight fix.  I just don’t know what to do.  I am over it and ready to leave, but i don’t know if i’m ready to give it all up yet.  I am just confused, and those of you who are reading this, is probably just as confused, because i am all over the place.  But hopefully you will understand why and just be patient because eventually my head and heart will be on straight again and i will know what i am going to do.  I just hope that it’s sooner then later, because i am just tired of being bitter and angry at the world.  I just want to be me again, the happy girl, who always smiled, and just went with the flow, now i cry all the time, and i hate stepping out to do anything.  All i want to do is sleep, and never get out of bed, but the only thing that really keeps me happy and going are my 3 beautiful children.  They give me a reason to get up and live.