I Have Opened My Eyes

I have sat back and really started thinking about my heart, my life, my mind.  I have realized that a lot of my anger isn’t because of me, but because i’m sooo worried about what everyone else thinks about me, do people think i’m stupid for staying with my spouse after the affair?  I am so worried that if we do work out, that my “friends” will talk about me, say i’m stupid, think i have no self-respect.  Will think low of me, so i feel like i shouldn’t even attempt to work on my marriage, because everyone else thinks it is unforgivable what he did.  Why do I care?  I have never been that person who cares what anyone thinks about me, why now?  I think all my life i have been very strong-headed and felt like who cares if i have friends, or if people like me, and now it’s like what others think matters.  The fact that i have kids doesn’t help, but i know that i am looking at all this wrong.   I need not worry about what everyone else thinks because in the reality of it is that if they are truly my friends, they will respect my opinion and choices.

I have been so lost for so long, that i am not sure were to go rather it be right or left.  I have been looking at my inner self to figure this out.  I have so much anger inside of me, but i have come to realize that it’s because i do allow others to get into my head, and let them make the decisions for me or makes me feel like i deserve better than what i have.  I do deserve better, but then is it that he never loved me?  I think he did, i just think we were at such a low point in our marriage, that if this never happened, we would have walked away or killed each other (not literally).  I think that maybe this has opened our eyes to reality.  Nothing in life is perfect, and though we all make choices rather good or bad, we made them.  Does every deserve forgiveness?  If you ask God yes they all do.  Does everyone deserve a second chance?  That i’m still lost on and am not sure about.  But i do have to figure this out on my own, without the influences of others feeding into my heart.  I need to figure out how to tell people if they want to talk bad about him, then to just keep it to themselves.  If they are around and the two of us are together and he grabs my hand or i hold his hand, don’t look at it with disgust.  Respect my decision on attempting to work on my marriage.  Don’t say that you hope we work our, or you believe we will and then be negative about it, or make me feel like a complete dumbass for trying.

I heard this song and feel in love with it so i wanted to share it with you, and this is also how i feel the beginning of the song, i want to feel like the middle to end of the song.

Challenge

Well, i can say i failed miserably.  Day one i did great, i didn’t say anything negative, i kept positive, it was hard, but i did it.  However, he worked all day so it was easy not to have to deal with him.  On Tuesday he was off, and i was off, i had a sick baby, so being home with him, the rage came out of me and i just got ugly.  I couldn’t be nice, on Wednesday, it was the same.  I can’t be nice, or maybe i just don’t want to be nice to him.  I realize that when he’s around i’m mad and angry and just want to go crazy.

I asked my kids last night what they thought about me and daddy living separate i have a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old.  My oldest daughter told me no, that we can’t go separate ways, because she has to have her mommy and daddy.  She needs us together and not separate, i then asked my youngest and she said i want to live with you mommy and not daddy.  So it just showed me the difference in their personalities.  So it makes it harder for me to walk away when my oldest is like NO.  What do you do, i have to figure this all out.

I have realized last night sitting down with him watching tv that he is very negative towards me. He never says anything nice to me, and he constantly puts me down.  He says he joking, but i don’t think he is.  I have gotten into a really dark place with him, and the fact that he put me down during the affair, to her and trashed me to her, just validates it all.  I have never been in a place where i’m just fed up with everything and just want out.  I usually am happy no matter what, but these past few years have been by far the worse.  I am just over it all and realized that when he’s home, i sit on my phone playing games, or hanging out on FB, just because i don’t want to deal with him.  What does all that mean?  I think that i am 90% sure that my marriage is not going to work out, and that it’s over.  I just need that extra 10% to show its face, because i am seeing that he’s not willing to change, he still wants to live like he’s single and free and that’s just not going to work for me anymore.  I am still going to do my challenge, i have to start over with day 1. I have to do that tomorrow, because its 9:43am and i failed already.  The minute i got home from taking my youngest to school, i got upset and ran my mouth.  So tomorrow is a new day, and will start then.  I just really have to something…..Just not sure what that is yet….

My 30 day challenge

I heard this song the other day on the radio.  And it touched me. I figured i would share it to those who want to listen.

So i have decided to attempt to do, NO i will do this challenge. I have sat back and realized that i am miserable, and i’m wanting my husband to change it, but after really thinking about it and just talking to God, i have to change it.  No matter what he does if i’m not happy with me, then nothing is going to make me happy.  So i have decided to work on me and my marriage, rather he changes or not, at least i can try to change for me, and if we decide not to work this out, i will be a better wife, or woman to another man because i learned about myself and how to allow God to work in my life.

Challenge 1:  Keeping my mouth shut. This is the hardest one for me. I tend to let my thoughts and emotions get the best of me. I will run my mouth or text him mean messages, or messages about him cheating or the things he has done to me.  Things he did when he cheated, or i will compare me to her, when in reality, why? I am a better person then she will ever be, i have morals and she doesn’t.  Why would I ever put myself down that way?  However, i know its my own insecurities.  So it has to STOP!!! 

I know that i haven’t been blogging a lot lately, i have really been sitting back and doing some soul-searching within myself, and i’m trying to figure out who i am again.  Blogging did great, but i really needed to just work on myself.  So stepped away for a bit, but i’m back to blog about my life, my marriage, and just working through it, but i am ready to allow God to work in my life, my marriage and everything else in my life.

I Can’t Shut My Mouth

So I sit here and I wonder why I cannot shut my mouth. Mondays are are the hardest nights for me, and my anger towards to come out the most on Mondays. I say anything and everything that is negative and in anger.  Do I think my husband is cheating on me now, no I don’t think that he has the balls to do that right now.  I know that in the next couple of months he will be quitting this job, but my anger is still there in on Monday night to bring back more anger. Everyday I wake up and I tell myself that I am NOT going to be negative, I’m not going to bring at the affair, but yet I get mad and I bring it up or I will send a text in a negative way. I don’t know how to stop, I don’t know how not to be negative or accusing him of things, I don’t know how to be positive and say only nice things. I know some of you that read my blog have been in my shoes I’m just curious how you stopped being negative? I’m also curious on how you started to forgive and Hugh and not bring up the fact that your husband or wife cheated on you.? If you were the one that had the affair how did you convince your spouse do trust you and have faith in you again? This is going to be a short blog just because I need to learn how to shut my mouth and quit being so mean to my husband and be more positive if I’m going to attempt to work on my marriage.

How to say I love you

How do you say I love you after an affair?????

I sit here and i wonder how do you say I love you after an affair?  Do you really fall out of love with the person, or is it that your so upset that you just refuse to say it?  Is it causing harm, not to tell your mate you love them to?  Should you say it even if you don’t mean it?  Am i the only one who fell out of love with my husband when i found out? 

These are questions i ask myself.  I removed my wedding ring the day i found out about the affair, and i told him that the day he cheated was the day he said he was divorced and that i will NEVER put that ring on my finger again EVER!!!!!  Am i wrong for that, am i wrong for saying i need a new wedding ring?  Why is that men don’t find it necessary to start over when they ruin a marriage?  Such as dating, becoming boyfriend and girlfriend again, becoming engaged again and then if it all works out remarrying each other (renewing vows)?  I don’t understand it.

I just don’t know how to say i love you.  I think apart of me believes he doesn’t love me, and that he only wants me to stay because of the 3 kids and like the saying goes sometimes “its cheaper to keep them then to let them go.”  Did he will learn a lesson, does he really feel bad for what he has done?  Will he EVER do it again?  That is my biggest fear, is loving him again and him cheating again. Though he has NO chances and that IF it ever happens again, i will be gone before he blinks his eyes. I will NOT call him at work, i am GONE!!!!!  But i am scared to forgive him and to believe it is never going to happen again.

Do you agree with this article that i found?

The Essential Relationship Ingredients for Falling in Love Again

Falling in love again will take time, as well as commitment and resolve in working to save your marriage. After an affair, you know that things must change in your relationship. Those changes take time and practice.

Three of the ingredients that are part of these relationship improvements include:

Ingredient #1: Transparency

After an affair, a sense of trust in your spouse (or your spouse’s trust in you) has been ruptured. Clandestine activities took place, and there is no reason for the victim of an affair to assume that just because a cheater says so—clandestine activities aren’t still happening or will happen again.

By developing a code of transparency, where you share what you’re doing and who you are seeing with your spouse, feelings of trust can be rebuilt. This type of sharing is a habit that must be formed to help the trust rupture heal, enabling a feeling of safety within the relationship to be experienced once more.

Ingredient #2: Conflict Resolution

The way you and your spouse have traditionally resolved conflicts may need an overhaul. If every disagreement dissolved into screaming fits and/or silent treatments—then it’s time to look at more meaningful ways to respectfully handle differences.

You won’t always agree 100% with your spouse. You are both individuals. But, creating an atmosphere of caring and understanding can help rebuild your marriage bonds. It’s hard to feel a sense of love if one or both spouses feel they aren’t respected, their opinion isn’t appreciated, and they aren’t understood.

Conflict resolution is another habit that must be formed, with clear parameters to help you handle conflicts in a collaborative way.

Ingredient #3: Communication

Many couples feel that the root of their problems is their inability to effectively communicate with one another. That can mean you don’t know how to tell your spouse what you need, or your spouse feels you don’t listen to him or her. Or, maybe your spouse asks questions that only provide an opportunity for you to respond with a “yes” or “no,” so no true conversation takes place.

To fall in love again, you need to be able to communicate effectively with your spouse—and that means identifying where communication is coming up short between you. Good communication is a skill, and practicing the art of conversation is another habit to form, bringing you closer to your spouse.

I sit here and i think i want to love my husband again, but i just don’t know how or where to start.

God Why????

When i first found out about the affair, i was extremely angry with God.  I thought wow, how could God do this to me?  If he loved me why would he allow this much pain in my life? I felt betrayed by God, i yelled and i screamed at him.  I was mad, i felt like he didn’t love me, God controls everything, he allows everything, though he gives us a choice to make and we have free will, i thought why did he bring this skank into my husbands path to tempt him, in a time when our marriage was falling apart anyways.  Why couldn’t he give my husband a brain?  Why is my life so crappy?  What did i do in my life that is so bad that all i have had is misery?

During my anger, i strayed from God, i didn’t care at all what he thought, how he felt, i figured he left my side, so screw it.  Though i know that was the wrong attitude to have I didn’t care. I turned to a few people at church for guidance and help, and they weren’t there for me. They never checked up on me to see if i was ok, to see if i needed anything. I thought wow, my pastor preached about how we need to get connects, so if you need Godly advice or need to be surrounded by Godly people you have it. So i did, i was involved in Bible Study, and when i reached out nothing. So that angered me, then i thought wow, we were going to church and i was surrendering my life to God and during this whole time my husband was having an affair.  Really?  What kind of God does that?  I wished evil things on the girl who went after my husband. I wished bad upon her child.  Why?  Because anger was eating at my heart.

I was alone, i had no one, so after about a month or two of saying to myself, i don’t need God, he failed me.  I started to feel empty and realized in reality i need God, i need his power, his strength, his love.  I prayed and cried and told God i was angry and that I am sorry for the words that i used towards him, they were NOT pleasant by no means. I also prayed that he would forgive me for being as mad as i was and that he would love me anyways. Yes i know that God will love me forever and never leave my side.  I have not really been angry at God since then.  I still ask him questions like why?  What am i suppose to do?  I don’t know if i am supposed to stay or divorce him.  I am sooo confused.  I feel like something is supposed to happen, i prayed and then someone came to my mind Malcolm.  How i wish i would have went to him from the beginning. He has been there for me, he reaches out to me, when he sees me he asks me if i’m ok and how things are going. He is a minister at my church. He is a true man of God, one who cares about you in a whole, and doesn’t disappear, he stays the entire time.  When i email him, he responds to me, he doesn’t just say its good to hear, or i’m sorry. I don’t need that, i need someone who is going to be straight up with me and honest.  He has told me things, and i have opened my heart to his words and God’s words.

I did some research, because it has been eating at me over my anger with God and if its ok to be angry with him. This is some of the things that i found.

Talk to God when you’re angry with him

When Jeremiah is angry with God, what does he do? He talks to God about  it. He prays. God wants us to talk to him about it. And Jeremiah’s prayer  is honest. God wants us to be honest. He doesn’t want us to put on a  ‘spiritually correct’ performance.

It isn’t that God needs us to be honest – he  sees through the performance anyway. It’s that we need  us to be honest, so that we can move forward spiritually. The more we  lie to ourselves, to God, and to other people, the more impossible it  is for us to move on.

One of the most important things to do when you’re angry with God is  to talk to God about what you’re angry about. Tell God honestly where  you are. It’s good to be honest with God

Keep working when you’re angry with God

Then another important thing to do when you’re angry with God is to  keep going at whatever God has given you to do. Jeremiah wanted to stop,  but he didn’t. In fact he says that he couldn’t. God’s message was like  a fire in his bones. He kept on speaking out for God.

One of the things that will help us not to lose the plot spiritually  is to keep going, even when we’re angry.

Be careful how you’re angry

But be careful how you’re angry with God. There are a couple of important  warnings here:

(1) Be careful what you think God has promised

Apparently Jeremiah thought God had promised that his ministry would  succeed. But he hadn’t. He’d told Jeremiah what to do, but didn’t give  him any guarantees about the outcome.

In fact, God had warned Jeremiah right at the start that he was going  to have a really tough time. You can read about it in chapter 1. God  hadn’t actually deceived Jeremiah, although he felt betrayed and let  down.

Be careful what you think God has promised. God doesn’t promise us success  in ministry, or financial well-being, or a marriage made in heaven, or  physical health.

The times I’ve most felt angry with God have been when I’ve thought  God had promised something, and it hasn’t turned out, or hasn’t gone  how I expected.

But later on – maybe years later – when I calm down and look back,  I realise that God never promised what I thought he’d promised. Be careful  what you think God has promised. Check it out against the Bible.

(2) Be careful what you say to God

It’s OK to be angry with God, and it’s good to talk to God about how  you feel – but be careful what you say. Anger can very easily  tip over into something more dangerous.

You may remember  the story of Job.  He was someone else in the Old Testament who had a raw deal from life.

Like Jeremiah, Job got around to questioning what God was doing, and  to cursing the day he was born.

You might remember that Job’s wife egged him on to curse God himself.

The Bible says:

‘His wife said to him, “Are you still holding on to  your integrity? Curse God and die!” He replied, “You are talking like a foolish  woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. (Job 2:9-10).

Job was angry. Job asked questions. Job yelled at God – but he  didn’t sin in what he said. He didn’t say that God was responsible for  evil.

One of our big problems when we get angry is that we quickly lose control  of what we say.

The book of Ecclesiastes, which is part of the Wisdom literature, says  this:

‘Guard you steps when you go to the house of God. Go  to listen, rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools,  who do not know that they do wrong…’

(In the Bible, a fool isn’t just someone who is stupid; it’s someone  who is morally defective as well.)

‘Do not be quick with your mouth,   do not be hasty in your heart   to utter anything before God.   God is in heaven   and you are on earth,   so let your words be few.’

The idea here is that God is great in power, utterly in control of all  that happens. Yes, he is kind and understanding towards us when we’re  angry with him – but  he’s also a God of justice and righteousness, so be careful what you  say to him.

So we’ve said let’s get real with God:

• It’s OK to be angry with God
• Talk to God while you’re angry
• Keep going even when you’re angry
• Be careful how you’re angry

There’s more if you want to read you can go to http://www.facingthechallenge.org/jeremiah20.php

How To Improve Any Relationship

I follow a couple that went through an affair, her husband had an affair, and he and his wife survived.  I got this email from them and wanted to share it.

April 3, 2013

At any given time in my life, I have relationships that aren’t what I want them to be. I have relationships that aren’t what I thought they would be. I have relationships that are disappointing, dysfunctional and strained.

I long to have God improve a friendship or transform my marriage, or repair my relationship with a family member, or deepen my relationship with one of my sons, and my prayer most often is “God, please change them. God please change this relationship, help them to see their attitude, their choices, their behavior, their….”

God has taught me, often the hard way, that most of the relationships in my life are multi-angle mirrors that He uses to reveal the parts of my heart He wants to transform.

It is easy for me to project the changes I know I need to make in onto those that are closest to me. I begin to believe that the improvements in that relationship are solely dependent on their ability to change.

If they would be more loving; more forgiving; more consistent; more patient; would call me more often; more invested; more attentive; more anything then the relationship would be what I think it should be.

The gut level truth is that no relationship in my life will have lasting change until I am willing to change.

The same is true for every relationship in your life.

If you want God to change your relationship(s), you must be willing to allow God to change you first.

Maybe God is using the marriage you are in or the friendship you are struggling to deepen or the friction you are feeling with your parents, to change you, not them. Am I saying that they don’t have baggage or junk or wrongs that they are bringing into your relationship? No, I am not saying that.

I am saying you can’t change them. I am saying you will not be held accountable to God or anyone else for their choices, their behavior, their decisions. But so often we have our eyes so focused on what the other person could do to improve, we lose sight of our blind spots, our dysfunctions, our baggage and our attitudes.

Here is what I know today: if you make a decision to begin praying “God use this marriage or use this relationship to change me into the person you want me to be”, God will answer that prayer. Even if the person you are struggling with NEVER changes, your relationship with them will be better…because you will be better. You will be different. You will be more capable of loving them in the way God desires.

It is so difficult to lay aside your rights, what you are owed, what you deserve, what they need to give you and simply say “God, change me first.” But the long term, soul level change you are looking for and desiring in that relationship is only found as you find soul level change for your life, first, then the relationship will follow.

This is on something different, but i found it helpful as well…

The biggest mistake you can make restoring your marriage after an affair is to focus on what and not why.

Short of losing a spouse or child, there is no greater pain that is experienced in a marriage than infidelity. It is heart-breaking, destructive, dark and sinful.

There is never an excuse for an affair, but there is always a reason.

But unless we are willing to go beyond the what of the situation to determine why this is a part of our story, we limit the parts of our heart God can redeem and restore.

Many couples get stuck in two very broken places: anger/resentment (for the one who’s been betrayed) and shame/guilt (for the one who’s cheated). When you’re stuck in either of these places the path of least resistance is to focus on what happened and stop short of digging into why it happened.

Here are some differences between a marriage that focuses on what and a marriage that is willing to focus on why:

• What focuses on what they did; Why invites God to change me.
• What desires payment and retribution; Why is willing to forgive.
• What wants all the pain to go away as quickly as possible; Why wants all the pain to have purpose and is willing to endure it.
• What drifts toward that which is safe and guarded; Why shares all of the truth and risks being vulnerable.
• What wants everything fixed; Why allows God to make all things new.
• What focuses on all we have to do to heal our marriage; Why gives God free reign into all parts of our heart and marriage.

Choosing to focus on what and not why will alleviate the pain temporarily but leaves the sickness in the relationship. What allows many couples to experience the same mistake again in a few months or a few years. But there is another way.

When you choose why over what, the cost is greater upfront. Conversations are more difficult and honest. Mistakes by both spouses are admitted and owned. Making them pay gives way to forgiveness. Shame and guilt are overcome by grace and mercy. The focus moves from what he/she did to “How did we get here?”

Brokenness and repentance become the cry of both person’s heart…and God shows up in powerful ways.

The greatest gift I’ve received is a wife that wanted to know why. It changed everything about our recovery and provided the path to restoration.

The most important thing you can do in the restoration process is to not focus on what happened, but allow God to teach you why it happened.

That is the place of true life change.