Children and Parenting

Over the past month I have sat back and really started to look at myself and my parenting.  I have realized that I am very on and off, I am selfish at times and don’t want to do things that my kids want to do. I don’t believe as parents we should always give in and do what our kids want to do, but I think it’s a give and take.  We shouldn’t always say no to having fun, going to the park, watching cartoons, reading etc…with our children because we are tired, or just want to be left alone.  I wanted kids and I thought I would be a different type of mom. At the beginning I was a different mom.  My life rotated around my kids, we were outside a lot, watching T.V., playing in the house, making a mess and then cleaning it up.  I can blame my life, I can say my depression has taken over my life with my kids, my husband’s infidelity, the lack of him being involved to my standards, but is that really fair?  Why point the fingers at someone else for lacking, when I should be the one picking up the slack and doing what other people are not doing.  There are plenty of parents out there, that have no one and they go out of their ways for their kids and at times have to say no, mommy or daddy is tired, let me rest and maybe tomorrow we will do whatever it is.  Kids grow to fast, we want them to hurry up, but then want them to slow down at the same time. 

We as parents also like to judge other parents and the way they parent, I am guilty of it.  I haven’t done it as much anymore, actually I really don’t do it anymore at all.  I realized that I’m not one to talk, my kids are not perfect, and though I’m trashing someone else for the way they parent, my kids do things that I’m sure other parents go wow really how could that mom allow her kid to …. Yesterday I was talking to my kids and we started laughing because my oldest told me, “mom, look my birthday is first and I’m the oldest, then sisters is second and she’s the middle and brothers is last and he’s the youngest.”  I thought wow, that is true that is not how I planned it or anything but their birthdays do fall in the order of their birth.  Well having a SS, they said but his is after all of ours and he’s the oldest, and so the comment was made but that’s not mama’s son, if he was he wouldn’t be so bad, because mommy would spank him until he listened.  And then questions were asked all the way to school, such as mommy how come his mom lets him talk back, why does he think he’s the boss, why can he make decisions, why does she try to say we do things he use to do, when we are not as bad as him, I don’t think he loves his mom because if he did he wouldn’t be so mean to her and at that point I had to stop them and tell them, every parent is different and they allow their kids to do things differently.  I have no clue how to answer some of their questions when it comes to their half-brother, just because I don’t know the answers.  I have been explaining to them that they can talk to me about anything and anyone without repercussions and boy they are. So it makes it really hard because I don’t want to talk about things with them, because I don’t want to say the wrong things, or say something that makes them think its ok, when it’s not.  So I have to figure out the boundaries on this and when it is age appropriate.

Selfishness is a big deal, I have told myself several times, how can you expect your kids not to be selfish if you’re selfish, not to lie when you do, to be honest, when you’re not and to keep their word, when you don’t always keep it yourself.  We are our children’s biggest influence and when we are negative or don’t keep our word, we can’t expect our kids to be the opposite.  My life has been full of selfishness especially when it comes to church and God. I know that it’s ok to make mistakes, and we all do, but we have to say I’m wrong and fix it and attempt not to do it again.  My oldest daughter is questioning if God is real or not.  She has told me she is not sure if she believes in Jesus or heaven and hell. It hurt my heart and i didn’t know what to say or how to deal with it. So i left it alone until we got to church.  I spoke to someone about it, and she made me feel better.  It’s ok for her to question it, she is young, and she will get it, i have laid the foundation and she has to plant her own seed.  The one thing after coming home and researching things about children and God and talking to the faculty at my church last night, most kids question it because they don’t see Jesus walking across the room, or sitting down.  He’s not human form, and that most kids who never question it or wonder is usually because they don’t vocalize it and the reason is because they want mom and/or dad to be happy, so they hold it in and never really say hey, i don’t know if i believe in it.  Also the other big one is do we lead a Godly example to our children. I can say NO i don’t.  I am by far the worse when it comes to that.  I had a conversation with their dad last night about it, and how things have to change when it comes to the way we are.  My children’s salvation is very important to me.  I don’t want to be the reason they question it, but I’m also not one to shove it down their throat, when i see some kids not really want to do it, but they do it to please their parent/s or that is the only time they spend with them in a positive way.

Church is a hard one for me, i love my home church, the pastor has great messages, the worship team is hard for me because i feel like some of them are not so real, they are on stage putting on a show.  So it’s hard for me, but that is something i have to work through with God and myself.  I also have some issues with staff members at the church and it has made me want to not go there, but my kids love that church and they have made connections with people, rather its the staff or other kids they have a love for that church.  I do attend another church, but my kids really hate it. I have asked my oldest why do you tell “T” that you like it, and she said she lied to her because “T” likes the church and so she wants to like it to make “T” happy. I told her no, if you don’t like something tell the truth.  So even though I like the church’s messages so far, i really need to rethink if this is a church to continue going to, mainly because they are not really getting anything out of it.  I can’t be selfish on this one, because i know Jesus is real, but they are young and still learning about him. 

So with the whole I Quit My Life, I also Quit My Parenting (old version).  I have to start a new beginning with my kids.  I love my kids and they deserve a mom who is going to be unselfish, and realize that they are going to grow up and if they fail it’s because of me. I understand that they will be able to change and not make the same mistakes I have made as a mom, but i am setting the foundation and the foundation is what holds everything up, but i also don’t want them grow up saying i wish my mom would have…..I want them to say my mom tried to do the best she could.  No my kids will not always get their way, i will still be strict, but i am going to have to push my rules and stand my ground no matter who is around or what others believe, i have been pretty good on that one, but at times i slack and i don’t follow through.  That has to STOP, i have to ALWAYS follow through.  Do more with my kids, and get over that fear of doing it alone because of what other people might think which is probably nothing negative.  When it comes to church and God, i have to focus on me and my 3 kids and do what i feel is best, and not worry about anyone else any longer, i tend to not go because i think about my husband and what if he wants to come to church, is it to far, or whatever else, there really isn’t a church that is to far for him to go, but i do have to look at times, because he does have to go to work, but most churches have different times to go, i also have to make sure it’s a church my kids are happy with as well as myself.  Going to church last night, and being questioned by my daughter on why someone else didn’t show up and not having the answers, she took it upon herself and called her. I’m not sure what was said, and what all was asked, i didn’t really pay attention, i was walking and it was cold.  When she did get off the phone, she said mommy i hung up on “T’. I said what, so she repeated herself. I said no you didn’t, she said, “yes” i told her, “I’m hanging up now.” I laughed because she didn’t hang up on her, but doesn’t really get the meaning. I was shocked she didn’t ask if i wanted to talk to her.  She said mommy, we should have went and picked up “C” because he wanted to come to church, but his mom didn’t want to bring him.  Why?  I ignored her and didn’t know what to say or how to respond, so i changed it and told her to call her dad real quick.  I am really seeing that my oldest is very curious about everything, and is like a sponge and soaks everything up.  She then kept pressing the issue on why didn’t “T’ bring “C” to church and then said, she should have brought him, he needs to have a better heart.  I continued to let it go and i eventually turned up the radio to get her mind off of it.  But she is right, we as parents sometimes don’t do things because it is not beneficial for us, or because we have a million other reasons not to do it.  Does that make it right?  Should our kids sacrifice time with God or with good role models because of our own selfish reasons?  I don’t know the reasoning on why things happen or don’t happen, all i can do is pray and hope for the best. 

****I know this is long, but i have so much on my mind when it comes to my kids and parenting. What is right for me and my family, may not be right for everyone else.  This is my thoughts and my wants for my kids.  God is a priority to me and if i fail to lead them to him its my fault because i am not giving them the material needed to learn and accept him in their life.  I think for then next few blogs i will be talking about parenting and my kids and things i see and agree or disagree with.******

I Quit My Life

It is so funny that this morning when I woke up and started to drive to church my thoughts were “God, I Quit My Life!!!”  I didn’t know exactly where I was going with that, I just knew that I was tired of my life and they way I was living.  So the pastor at the church I am visiting right now, had an awesome message this week.    Well, no he’s had a few good messages, I feel like he’s just talking to me.  God is telling me start over, let go, breath and move on. I have big plans for you and you won’t let me, because you keep holding on to the negative, the ugly, and that I will never really know the whole truth in my husband’s infidelity so let it go.  MOVE ON!!!!  He’s asking me to allow him to work in me, to give it to him and wait and see.

My marriage and my life, as well as my kids belong to God and his wants in our life.  I have to stop fighting him and just let him take control.  The pastor made a statement last week he said, “Believe it, say it, see it.”  I have to believe that he is going to work in my life and actually say it out loud and I will see the miracles he has in store for me. I have been doing this on my own now for almost 3 years, and my marriage is still terrible, my kids are hurting because of it, and the anger inside of me is killing me.  The thoughts that I have about cheating on him for a few months and flaunting it, is not the way to go. No sin is great then the next and God will not say that because he did it, it is ok for me to go sleep with some other man.  He will punish me for it.  So I have to allow my life to belong to God no matter how hard it is.  Old ways are extremely hard to change.  The Pastor also said that “God is always speaking, but we are not always listening.”  I believe that, because I will get angry or want to send D (my spouse) ugly messages and sometimes they will not go through and I will keep trying over and over again, until it finally goes through, though I hear God saying don’t send it.  I choose to ignore it and do it anyways.  It’s the same when I’m talking a to a friend, sometimes when I’m talking about D, and I’m angry or something sparks a memory, I go off and I hear God saying stop, and I ignore him.  “The higher you want to go, the deeper you need to dig.”-Pastor How true is that statement?  Extremely true.

This is the hardest for me, I trusted him and believed in my D and he betrayed me.  It hurt so deep that I’m not sure if it hurt more because I had so much faith in my marriage that I believed he would never cheat on me, or was it more the embarrassment of it?  The fact that people knew and I didn’t.  The fact that people I told, told others and I am ashamed and humiliated by it.  I know that I can grow from this and move on with the help of God. I am no longer going to allow this to hold me down.  D and I are going to start marriage counseling, I am making the call tomorrow and if he takes it as a joke than that is on him, but I am going to allow God to heal in me.  “God has dreams for me, but I’m not ready for it.”-Pastor.  How true is that?  He has hopes and wants for my life and my future.  “You can go from less than, to more than.”-Pastor.  You just have to believe in it.

 

I have secrets in my heart, things I haven’t discussed, or said to my friends, those who have hurt me and don’t even know it, those who I feel in some way betrayed my trust by going to others.  The fact that I’m keeping it a secret is hurting my heart, but I don’t want to hear excuses or the I didn’t think it would bother you, or the I had to tell someone because….I am going to have to take the time to pray hard about it and allow God to really work in my heart on if I should talk to them about it, or send them a letter (sometimes for me it’s easier to write it then say it).  But one way or the other I have to let it go and allow God to handle it with me or without me.  Either way its his. 

Do You Really Know Me?

I sit back and think how many people really know me?  I don’t think many people really know me and what I am about.  What I believe in and what I like.  I use to think that those that has known me most of my life would know me the best, but I have realized no one really knows me.  Is it because I lose trust in people to fast, or is it because I’m tired of being betrayed that I don’t fully open up to others?  When I do decide to open up to someone they tend to talk to much or tell people things that are not meant for them to tell, rather they find it important or not.  I think I don’t even know who I am any longer.  I have lost who I am these past 9 years of my life and I need to find me again.  But I’m not sure where or how to start?

I have friends and family who really think they know, but they have no idea the things that go through my head, the life that I lived and to be where I am today is a shocker.  I know people think they know me, but they don’t know why I am the way I am, what really shaped me to be the person I was and the person I became.  What is sad is that when I think I can open up to someone, or express my true thoughts, or things that have happened to me or my marriage, they tell other people.  From my childhood to my husband’s infidelity.  When I come to people I expect them to respect me and not tell anyone, yes, some people will ask if its ok to tell their spouse, or whoever it is, and I tell them yes because they have been through it, seen it, or did it themselves and can help me with it or just give me advice on my down days.  But I haven’t been telling anyone anything lately because I don’t trust anyone anymore.  The things I do say or tell others, are things that are on the surface and not what my heart is feeling or going through at that moment.  What a way to live? This may be why I have become so emotional lately, and the small things upset me or makes me cry is because I have everything bottled up inside of me.  I know that it is not good to hold things inside, but what do you do when you don’t trust anyone because they talk?  I think I need to find a therapist that will really listen and read between the lines and give good advice instead of what do you think if you….I don’t know what I think that’s why I am here….

Do people really know my heart and where my faith is right now?  Just because we don’t agree on certain things, because maybe you only know some of the story, or we were raised differently, or because you wouldn’t do it that way or wouldn’t care, does that make me wrong? Does that mean you have the right to think less of me as a person?  Should I be ashamed of what I think or believe and maybe not come to you ever again?

I have always been the person that people would come talk to and I would listen and give my advice if wanted, and was always honest with it, and never judged them or was harsh.  I believe that in any situation if you talk about it and turn to God you can work through it rather its work, friendship, relationships, childcare, family, or life itself.  I also believe that when you find your “go to person” that person should NEVER violate your trust and should always be honest with you and try to be positive in the best way possible without being negative.  But then again that is me. I think that honesty is best and people shouldn’t make excuses for their actions or the reasons they or others are the way they are or to turn it around and say other people do …. as well.  It is invalid because we are not talking about other people we are talking about this situation we are in so why try to make it seem better because others do it as well.  It doesn’t, it makes it worse because you refuse to open your eyes and see the problem you have and refuse to fix so you want to take it off of you.  I am not a person to say well, this happened but oh well, look what this person over there did, or etc…it doesn’t make it right and I still have to look inside my heart and fix it.

I do believe there is a light at the end of my tunnel.  I just need to stop running from it and start heading towards it.  I am me and I am the only one who can fix me, with the help of God.  So when I am silent or not talking it’s because I’m working it out in my head and in my heart.  And not that I am blogging again, I guess to all the people who read my blog and at times leaves me a message about their thoughts are just words of encouragement, but don’t know me so they can’t really judge me as a person, maybe my situation, but not me. Those of you who know me, may judge me, but that’s ok, because eventually my eyes will open up and I will weed out the negative people in my life and if that means I’m standing alone, I would rather be alone then with a bunch of people who really don’t have me and my best interest at heart or will betray me every chance they get.  I know this last part is a tad bit harsh, but I have so much inside my head and my heart that I’m now vocalizing it and I’m not sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings or anger anyone.  This is my thoughts and my emotions and my walk.

Ex-Wife VS New Wife

So when I married my husband, I knew that he was married before me and that he had a son. I was ok with that, even though I always told myself that I would NEVER marry someone with kids, I broke my own rules. I didn’t want to deal with “baby mama” drama.  I didn’t know his ex-wife and had only heard things about her, never good.  My husband never said a lot except why they got divorced and things that went on in their marriage. Of course they both have a different view of their marriage and things that went on. So I listen and take bits and pieces from both of them and come to my own conclusions.  So with that being said, I just thought great I am going to have to deal with this person for as long as i’m married to him.  I don’t know if I want to, however; I really don’t have to deal with her, I only have to love their son.  So that works.  Well, as time went by things changed and we became friends….

We are very close now, we talk pretty much every day.  It took time to get this way, and a lot of people don’t understand how we can be friends.  It is easy if you think about it.  What did she do to me personally?  Nothing, she may have upset my husband, or did him wrong or visa versa, but why be mad at her or hate her?  Yes, there are some who cause drama and want to start a war, but she never did.  Yes, at the beginning her and my husband would fight and I would get put in the middle, but then I realized that a lot of it was the fact that my husband would get this cocky sound in his voice or become arrogant, and she would pop off and it would just get heated. Just made it easier for me to be the middle girl in this, because even if I didn’t like her that much at the beginning, I understood at times that my husband was wrong for saying what he said, or making the decision that he made, just as at times I felt the same with her.  But I realized that the issues were between those two and not me so it was pointless to look at her with hate or anger or dislike.  She never did anything to me personally.  I don’t get why ex’s and newbies can’t get along.  Unless they are doing something to directly hurt them or the kid/s then let it be.  Her mom had a lot to do with us becoming friends, and as time went on we did.

We fight, and argue and get mad.  We don’t always see eye to eye, but no one does.  Most of our arguments has to do with the kids.  I say she’s my kids 2nd mom, they love her like she is.  Everyone assumes her and I are sisters and so my kids treat her like family.  Her son is my kids half brother and they will have a bond forever to each other.  We really never argue about every day life, we don’t agree with the rules and the way we do certain things when it comes to my SS.  We argue and yes sometimes it gets heated and bad, but we get over it after a while. Sometimes it takes longer then others.  But I don’t think we have ever argued about anything that a typical person would argue about. I think that if we didn’t share the same husband, and our kids were not related, we would NEVER fight.  We would be boring friends lol.  But with that being said, a lot of families don’t talk about their issues with the child/ren.  Me and her after we calm down we talk about it, and figure out a way to deal with it.  If blended families would just stop and think about the kids I think their would be more mixed families getting along.  God plays a big role in our lives as well, and we all go to church together and spend a lot of time together.

What about the ex husband/husband.  In the beginning he didn’t like that we were becoming friends, but I didn’t really care to be honest.  I was doing it for my SS and myself.  He was more concerned that she was going to break up our family and I would cheat on him etc…Funny how he was the one who broke our family and not her. If it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I would have done through all of this.  She has been there for me with all the frustration and the tears, and the anger.  I know that I will always have a place to go it I need to. She has literally been my family here.

There is so much more to this story, and I have sat back and thought about starting up a ministry with her on the ex vs. new, but just not sure if people would take us serious and hot to do it.  I just think God brought us into each others lives for a reason and I also feel like it may be to help others out there struggling to get along with each other after a divorce….