Children and Parenting

Over the past month I have sat back and really started to look at myself and my parenting.  I have realized that I am very on and off, I am selfish at times and don’t want to do things that my kids want to do. I don’t believe as parents we should always give in and do what our kids want to do, but I think it’s a give and take.  We shouldn’t always say no to having fun, going to the park, watching cartoons, reading etc…with our children because we are tired, or just want to be left alone.  I wanted kids and I thought I would be a different type of mom. At the beginning I was a different mom.  My life rotated around my kids, we were outside a lot, watching T.V., playing in the house, making a mess and then cleaning it up.  I can blame my life, I can say my depression has taken over my life with my kids, my husband’s infidelity, the lack of him being involved to my standards, but is that really fair?  Why point the fingers at someone else for lacking, when I should be the one picking up the slack and doing what other people are not doing.  There are plenty of parents out there, that have no one and they go out of their ways for their kids and at times have to say no, mommy or daddy is tired, let me rest and maybe tomorrow we will do whatever it is.  Kids grow to fast, we want them to hurry up, but then want them to slow down at the same time. 

We as parents also like to judge other parents and the way they parent, I am guilty of it.  I haven’t done it as much anymore, actually I really don’t do it anymore at all.  I realized that I’m not one to talk, my kids are not perfect, and though I’m trashing someone else for the way they parent, my kids do things that I’m sure other parents go wow really how could that mom allow her kid to …. Yesterday I was talking to my kids and we started laughing because my oldest told me, “mom, look my birthday is first and I’m the oldest, then sisters is second and she’s the middle and brothers is last and he’s the youngest.”  I thought wow, that is true that is not how I planned it or anything but their birthdays do fall in the order of their birth.  Well having a SS, they said but his is after all of ours and he’s the oldest, and so the comment was made but that’s not mama’s son, if he was he wouldn’t be so bad, because mommy would spank him until he listened.  And then questions were asked all the way to school, such as mommy how come his mom lets him talk back, why does he think he’s the boss, why can he make decisions, why does she try to say we do things he use to do, when we are not as bad as him, I don’t think he loves his mom because if he did he wouldn’t be so mean to her and at that point I had to stop them and tell them, every parent is different and they allow their kids to do things differently.  I have no clue how to answer some of their questions when it comes to their half-brother, just because I don’t know the answers.  I have been explaining to them that they can talk to me about anything and anyone without repercussions and boy they are. So it makes it really hard because I don’t want to talk about things with them, because I don’t want to say the wrong things, or say something that makes them think its ok, when it’s not.  So I have to figure out the boundaries on this and when it is age appropriate.

Selfishness is a big deal, I have told myself several times, how can you expect your kids not to be selfish if you’re selfish, not to lie when you do, to be honest, when you’re not and to keep their word, when you don’t always keep it yourself.  We are our children’s biggest influence and when we are negative or don’t keep our word, we can’t expect our kids to be the opposite.  My life has been full of selfishness especially when it comes to church and God. I know that it’s ok to make mistakes, and we all do, but we have to say I’m wrong and fix it and attempt not to do it again.  My oldest daughter is questioning if God is real or not.  She has told me she is not sure if she believes in Jesus or heaven and hell. It hurt my heart and i didn’t know what to say or how to deal with it. So i left it alone until we got to church.  I spoke to someone about it, and she made me feel better.  It’s ok for her to question it, she is young, and she will get it, i have laid the foundation and she has to plant her own seed.  The one thing after coming home and researching things about children and God and talking to the faculty at my church last night, most kids question it because they don’t see Jesus walking across the room, or sitting down.  He’s not human form, and that most kids who never question it or wonder is usually because they don’t vocalize it and the reason is because they want mom and/or dad to be happy, so they hold it in and never really say hey, i don’t know if i believe in it.  Also the other big one is do we lead a Godly example to our children. I can say NO i don’t.  I am by far the worse when it comes to that.  I had a conversation with their dad last night about it, and how things have to change when it comes to the way we are.  My children’s salvation is very important to me.  I don’t want to be the reason they question it, but I’m also not one to shove it down their throat, when i see some kids not really want to do it, but they do it to please their parent/s or that is the only time they spend with them in a positive way.

Church is a hard one for me, i love my home church, the pastor has great messages, the worship team is hard for me because i feel like some of them are not so real, they are on stage putting on a show.  So it’s hard for me, but that is something i have to work through with God and myself.  I also have some issues with staff members at the church and it has made me want to not go there, but my kids love that church and they have made connections with people, rather its the staff or other kids they have a love for that church.  I do attend another church, but my kids really hate it. I have asked my oldest why do you tell “T” that you like it, and she said she lied to her because “T” likes the church and so she wants to like it to make “T” happy. I told her no, if you don’t like something tell the truth.  So even though I like the church’s messages so far, i really need to rethink if this is a church to continue going to, mainly because they are not really getting anything out of it.  I can’t be selfish on this one, because i know Jesus is real, but they are young and still learning about him. 

So with the whole I Quit My Life, I also Quit My Parenting (old version).  I have to start a new beginning with my kids.  I love my kids and they deserve a mom who is going to be unselfish, and realize that they are going to grow up and if they fail it’s because of me. I understand that they will be able to change and not make the same mistakes I have made as a mom, but i am setting the foundation and the foundation is what holds everything up, but i also don’t want them grow up saying i wish my mom would have…..I want them to say my mom tried to do the best she could.  No my kids will not always get their way, i will still be strict, but i am going to have to push my rules and stand my ground no matter who is around or what others believe, i have been pretty good on that one, but at times i slack and i don’t follow through.  That has to STOP, i have to ALWAYS follow through.  Do more with my kids, and get over that fear of doing it alone because of what other people might think which is probably nothing negative.  When it comes to church and God, i have to focus on me and my 3 kids and do what i feel is best, and not worry about anyone else any longer, i tend to not go because i think about my husband and what if he wants to come to church, is it to far, or whatever else, there really isn’t a church that is to far for him to go, but i do have to look at times, because he does have to go to work, but most churches have different times to go, i also have to make sure it’s a church my kids are happy with as well as myself.  Going to church last night, and being questioned by my daughter on why someone else didn’t show up and not having the answers, she took it upon herself and called her. I’m not sure what was said, and what all was asked, i didn’t really pay attention, i was walking and it was cold.  When she did get off the phone, she said mommy i hung up on “T’. I said what, so she repeated herself. I said no you didn’t, she said, “yes” i told her, “I’m hanging up now.” I laughed because she didn’t hang up on her, but doesn’t really get the meaning. I was shocked she didn’t ask if i wanted to talk to her.  She said mommy, we should have went and picked up “C” because he wanted to come to church, but his mom didn’t want to bring him.  Why?  I ignored her and didn’t know what to say or how to respond, so i changed it and told her to call her dad real quick.  I am really seeing that my oldest is very curious about everything, and is like a sponge and soaks everything up.  She then kept pressing the issue on why didn’t “T’ bring “C” to church and then said, she should have brought him, he needs to have a better heart.  I continued to let it go and i eventually turned up the radio to get her mind off of it.  But she is right, we as parents sometimes don’t do things because it is not beneficial for us, or because we have a million other reasons not to do it.  Does that make it right?  Should our kids sacrifice time with God or with good role models because of our own selfish reasons?  I don’t know the reasoning on why things happen or don’t happen, all i can do is pray and hope for the best. 

****I know this is long, but i have so much on my mind when it comes to my kids and parenting. What is right for me and my family, may not be right for everyone else.  This is my thoughts and my wants for my kids.  God is a priority to me and if i fail to lead them to him its my fault because i am not giving them the material needed to learn and accept him in their life.  I think for then next few blogs i will be talking about parenting and my kids and things i see and agree or disagree with.******

I Quit My Life

It is so funny that this morning when I woke up and started to drive to church my thoughts were “God, I Quit My Life!!!”  I didn’t know exactly where I was going with that, I just knew that I was tired of my life and they way I was living.  So the pastor at the church I am visiting right now, had an awesome message this week.    Well, no he’s had a few good messages, I feel like he’s just talking to me.  God is telling me start over, let go, breath and move on. I have big plans for you and you won’t let me, because you keep holding on to the negative, the ugly, and that I will never really know the whole truth in my husband’s infidelity so let it go.  MOVE ON!!!!  He’s asking me to allow him to work in me, to give it to him and wait and see.

My marriage and my life, as well as my kids belong to God and his wants in our life.  I have to stop fighting him and just let him take control.  The pastor made a statement last week he said, “Believe it, say it, see it.”  I have to believe that he is going to work in my life and actually say it out loud and I will see the miracles he has in store for me. I have been doing this on my own now for almost 3 years, and my marriage is still terrible, my kids are hurting because of it, and the anger inside of me is killing me.  The thoughts that I have about cheating on him for a few months and flaunting it, is not the way to go. No sin is great then the next and God will not say that because he did it, it is ok for me to go sleep with some other man.  He will punish me for it.  So I have to allow my life to belong to God no matter how hard it is.  Old ways are extremely hard to change.  The Pastor also said that “God is always speaking, but we are not always listening.”  I believe that, because I will get angry or want to send D (my spouse) ugly messages and sometimes they will not go through and I will keep trying over and over again, until it finally goes through, though I hear God saying don’t send it.  I choose to ignore it and do it anyways.  It’s the same when I’m talking a to a friend, sometimes when I’m talking about D, and I’m angry or something sparks a memory, I go off and I hear God saying stop, and I ignore him.  “The higher you want to go, the deeper you need to dig.”-Pastor How true is that statement?  Extremely true.

This is the hardest for me, I trusted him and believed in my D and he betrayed me.  It hurt so deep that I’m not sure if it hurt more because I had so much faith in my marriage that I believed he would never cheat on me, or was it more the embarrassment of it?  The fact that people knew and I didn’t.  The fact that people I told, told others and I am ashamed and humiliated by it.  I know that I can grow from this and move on with the help of God. I am no longer going to allow this to hold me down.  D and I are going to start marriage counseling, I am making the call tomorrow and if he takes it as a joke than that is on him, but I am going to allow God to heal in me.  “God has dreams for me, but I’m not ready for it.”-Pastor.  How true is that?  He has hopes and wants for my life and my future.  “You can go from less than, to more than.”-Pastor.  You just have to believe in it.

 

I have secrets in my heart, things I haven’t discussed, or said to my friends, those who have hurt me and don’t even know it, those who I feel in some way betrayed my trust by going to others.  The fact that I’m keeping it a secret is hurting my heart, but I don’t want to hear excuses or the I didn’t think it would bother you, or the I had to tell someone because….I am going to have to take the time to pray hard about it and allow God to really work in my heart on if I should talk to them about it, or send them a letter (sometimes for me it’s easier to write it then say it).  But one way or the other I have to let it go and allow God to handle it with me or without me.  Either way its his. 

Do You Really Know Me?

I sit back and think how many people really know me?  I don’t think many people really know me and what I am about.  What I believe in and what I like.  I use to think that those that has known me most of my life would know me the best, but I have realized no one really knows me.  Is it because I lose trust in people to fast, or is it because I’m tired of being betrayed that I don’t fully open up to others?  When I do decide to open up to someone they tend to talk to much or tell people things that are not meant for them to tell, rather they find it important or not.  I think I don’t even know who I am any longer.  I have lost who I am these past 9 years of my life and I need to find me again.  But I’m not sure where or how to start?

I have friends and family who really think they know, but they have no idea the things that go through my head, the life that I lived and to be where I am today is a shocker.  I know people think they know me, but they don’t know why I am the way I am, what really shaped me to be the person I was and the person I became.  What is sad is that when I think I can open up to someone, or express my true thoughts, or things that have happened to me or my marriage, they tell other people.  From my childhood to my husband’s infidelity.  When I come to people I expect them to respect me and not tell anyone, yes, some people will ask if its ok to tell their spouse, or whoever it is, and I tell them yes because they have been through it, seen it, or did it themselves and can help me with it or just give me advice on my down days.  But I haven’t been telling anyone anything lately because I don’t trust anyone anymore.  The things I do say or tell others, are things that are on the surface and not what my heart is feeling or going through at that moment.  What a way to live? This may be why I have become so emotional lately, and the small things upset me or makes me cry is because I have everything bottled up inside of me.  I know that it is not good to hold things inside, but what do you do when you don’t trust anyone because they talk?  I think I need to find a therapist that will really listen and read between the lines and give good advice instead of what do you think if you….I don’t know what I think that’s why I am here….

Do people really know my heart and where my faith is right now?  Just because we don’t agree on certain things, because maybe you only know some of the story, or we were raised differently, or because you wouldn’t do it that way or wouldn’t care, does that make me wrong? Does that mean you have the right to think less of me as a person?  Should I be ashamed of what I think or believe and maybe not come to you ever again?

I have always been the person that people would come talk to and I would listen and give my advice if wanted, and was always honest with it, and never judged them or was harsh.  I believe that in any situation if you talk about it and turn to God you can work through it rather its work, friendship, relationships, childcare, family, or life itself.  I also believe that when you find your “go to person” that person should NEVER violate your trust and should always be honest with you and try to be positive in the best way possible without being negative.  But then again that is me. I think that honesty is best and people shouldn’t make excuses for their actions or the reasons they or others are the way they are or to turn it around and say other people do …. as well.  It is invalid because we are not talking about other people we are talking about this situation we are in so why try to make it seem better because others do it as well.  It doesn’t, it makes it worse because you refuse to open your eyes and see the problem you have and refuse to fix so you want to take it off of you.  I am not a person to say well, this happened but oh well, look what this person over there did, or etc…it doesn’t make it right and I still have to look inside my heart and fix it.

I do believe there is a light at the end of my tunnel.  I just need to stop running from it and start heading towards it.  I am me and I am the only one who can fix me, with the help of God.  So when I am silent or not talking it’s because I’m working it out in my head and in my heart.  And not that I am blogging again, I guess to all the people who read my blog and at times leaves me a message about their thoughts are just words of encouragement, but don’t know me so they can’t really judge me as a person, maybe my situation, but not me. Those of you who know me, may judge me, but that’s ok, because eventually my eyes will open up and I will weed out the negative people in my life and if that means I’m standing alone, I would rather be alone then with a bunch of people who really don’t have me and my best interest at heart or will betray me every chance they get.  I know this last part is a tad bit harsh, but I have so much inside my head and my heart that I’m now vocalizing it and I’m not sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings or anger anyone.  This is my thoughts and my emotions and my walk.

Life and Where I am

This is going to be all over the place just wanted to let you know.

I haven’t been posting lately because I have so much that is going on in my mind and my life.  I have to decide what is real and what is fake in my life.  I have sat back and realized I have so much anger inside my heart and I want to scream on the top of my lungs what was done to me and how she thinks its funny to ruin someone’s life.  I have an email she sent to someone, I guess a conversation where she says that this was revenge on him, by destroying his family and marriage. But the sad thing is that she didn’t win, even if I divorce my husband it wasn’t because of her, we had problems way before her.  But it is the fact that people are shady and gold diggers.  What is that about.  I want the world to know who she is and what she did, she slams my husband and makes sure everyone knows what he did, so why can’t it be done back to her. All the marriages she ruined and the men she slept with knowing they were married.  Yes they were wrong for doing it, they are not innocent by no means, but she runs her mouth and wants people to know.  I don’t think adultery is right no matter who is at fault or who is not, but its sad when you are like a dog and your sniff out your victims by who is at a low point in the marriage.  Typically you hear about men who go after women who are sad, or depressed or alone in their marriage, but to see women do it is just as sad and sick as a man who does it. I am trying to forgive my husband and let it go, but I can’t and my anger gets the best of me.  I think sometimes that since our marriage was so damaged prior to the affair, that its to late now.

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I have had to remove myself from playing on Facebook, just because seeing how happy (supposedly) people are and how they brag about their marriage, and family life and its depressing.  I envy some of those people, rather they are just putting on a front to make people believe it or not, its hard when my happily ever after does not exist.  So I had to just walk away for awhile until I get my life in order and figure out what I want to do with my marriage.

People have asked me if he is trying and I believe he isn’t.  We both have checked out of this marriage and neither one of us is trying. I think now it is a matter of time that we both just walk away.  I do believe that the only reason it hasn’t happened yet is because of my kids.  I don’t love him, and though he says he loves me, I don’t believe he does.  Why?  I don’t believe you betray someone that bad, and then act like it wasn’t a big deal and expect it to go away, when I am reminded of it every other week if not more.  You can’t expect someone to just say ok, it happened lets move on. It is going to take a lot of work, and proof to make it ok.  And when someone isn’t doing it, then the road stops and there is no where to go, but maybe off the cliff.  I’m about ready to jump off the cliff.

Divorce isn’t something I ever wanted in my family.  If no kids were involved I wouldn’t care as much, but having 3 kids, I can’t deal with it. I don’t want my kids to feel like they have to chose, and I know people tell me, your kids are young etc…but it does effect them, especially if they hardly see him, and I am sure it will be that way, because I wouldn’t stay here, I would move back, or at least move closer to my parents.  So I try to determine if this is worth it, then though its lame I have medical problems, and it will suck to have to not have the money or financial means to pay for it. I don’t want to die or get really sick from all my problems, so I try to think about that.  Is it worth it, probably not, is it selfish yes it is.

Do I want my marriage to work no and yes.  There are times when I see a little bit of a change, and things get better and he starts trying and then he flips back to the jerk that I hate and I want out.  I know that there are more bad then good in this marriage and that is not good. There should always be more good then bad.  But its not like that in this marriage.

I get emails from Refine Us and this is an email I got and I love it so I figured I would share it with you….

Living to change your spouse is an exhausting way to live,  arguments don’t change anyone’s heart. They may change their behavior for a few days, but not their heart.

Guilt trips will never bring lasting change to a marriage. They will change behavior for a few weeks but resentment and bitterness will live in the heart of the person that is made to feel guilty.

Every marriage fights against the same enemy. If you are married you will fight this enemy today. No, this enemy isn’t your spouse…it is you.

Selfishness is the greatest enemy to the marriage you desire.

Your own selfishness can prevent you from having the marriage God has in mind for you.

Marriage isn’t for selfish people.

My ability to put Trish’s needs ahead of my own will always determine the quality of my marriage.

You may be thinking, “Wait a second! I’m not going to be selfless unless my spouse chooses to be selfless”.

That is totally natural to think that. But that is the essence of selfishness…thinking of your own needs, wants and desires first.

Your marriage will never change if you rely on your ability to change your spouse.

But your marriage can be transformed if you put your spouses needs ahead of your own. Your marriage will be different immediately if you will allow God to change you.

It is a risk. There is no guarantee your spouse will reciprocate.

But I can promise you that the climate of your marriage relationship will change when your spouse realizes that you no longer exist to fight with them, you are living to fight for them. That will make all the difference.

Fighting for your spouse will weaken the hold selfishness has in your heart.

The question is will you choose to stop fighting to be right and start fighting to be one?

I still have a ton on my mind, and it is so hard to write it and think it, this blog didn’t go the way I wanted it to. It is so confusing to read my own thing, but oh well, my mind is everywhere as well.

Not talking about my marriage

So I have been asked why I stopped talking about my marriage.  I will explain.

I am just so empty inside of my heart when it comes to my marriage. I am just numb when it comes to working it out. I feel right now that we are not together because we love each other or because we want our marriage, we are only together because of the kids and financially it is better for me and my kids.  So how do you talk about your marriage, when there is nothing there. I have given up, i’m tired of trying and getting no where with it.  I have fought and fought for something to change and all I got was empty promises. He has never kept one promise to me, and when I look at him I have sooo much anger inside of me I want to strangle him.  But it’s not worth it at all, my kids need me so sitting in jail is worthless. I have spoken to my oldest daughter because she gets it more about leaving and she doesn’t like it. She says she needs her daddy, and that mommy and daddy’s have to stay together because God says so.  They don’t know what he did, they are to young to really get that, and then again I don’t know if I want to tell them that.  It may be something I never mention to them, i’m not really sure yet.  Time will tell, but right now I am not going to say anything to them.

I am alone in this and don’t know what to do.  I walk this by myself, I talk to people about it, but now i’m very picky about what I say to anyone.  Yes, we fight, and I may tell people things here and there, but no like I use to.  I guess I am still feeling betrayed by some people by them going and telling other people, when I don’t feel like it was their right or the other people’s business, and yet they took it upon them selves to tell them.  What people don’t understand is that they are not the one that was made a fool of, I was and so while you walk around with your head high around these people, I sit back and think wow they must think i’m the dumbest girl ever to stay with him and attempt to work it out.  So even though I haven’t said anything to any of the people who told others, and I will never say anything, it just lets me know that if anything ever happens severely between him and I that I will not say anything to them about it.

I think also I stopped talking about it was because I wanted to focus on my children, and just love them to the best of my ability and just give them my all.  It is just hard to deal with life and i’m trying.

However; I have given up on my marriage and see it now as a business contract and nothing more. Will he ever see that, I have no clue, but I don’t know if I will or can live like this much longer. Only time will tell.  I just keep praying that something will open his eyes, but nothing has.  And i’m to the point when I don’t think anything will ever open his eyes, and when or if I leave, he will blame me and say I didn’t try which is fine.  Selfish people should NEVER get married, because you have to be selfless to make a marriage last, and he is selfish and only cares about himself and no one else.

Ex-Wife VS New Wife

So when I married my husband, I knew that he was married before me and that he had a son. I was ok with that, even though I always told myself that I would NEVER marry someone with kids, I broke my own rules. I didn’t want to deal with “baby mama” drama.  I didn’t know his ex-wife and had only heard things about her, never good.  My husband never said a lot except why they got divorced and things that went on in their marriage. Of course they both have a different view of their marriage and things that went on. So I listen and take bits and pieces from both of them and come to my own conclusions.  So with that being said, I just thought great I am going to have to deal with this person for as long as i’m married to him.  I don’t know if I want to, however; I really don’t have to deal with her, I only have to love their son.  So that works.  Well, as time went by things changed and we became friends….

We are very close now, we talk pretty much every day.  It took time to get this way, and a lot of people don’t understand how we can be friends.  It is easy if you think about it.  What did she do to me personally?  Nothing, she may have upset my husband, or did him wrong or visa versa, but why be mad at her or hate her?  Yes, there are some who cause drama and want to start a war, but she never did.  Yes, at the beginning her and my husband would fight and I would get put in the middle, but then I realized that a lot of it was the fact that my husband would get this cocky sound in his voice or become arrogant, and she would pop off and it would just get heated. Just made it easier for me to be the middle girl in this, because even if I didn’t like her that much at the beginning, I understood at times that my husband was wrong for saying what he said, or making the decision that he made, just as at times I felt the same with her.  But I realized that the issues were between those two and not me so it was pointless to look at her with hate or anger or dislike.  She never did anything to me personally.  I don’t get why ex’s and newbies can’t get along.  Unless they are doing something to directly hurt them or the kid/s then let it be.  Her mom had a lot to do with us becoming friends, and as time went on we did.

We fight, and argue and get mad.  We don’t always see eye to eye, but no one does.  Most of our arguments has to do with the kids.  I say she’s my kids 2nd mom, they love her like she is.  Everyone assumes her and I are sisters and so my kids treat her like family.  Her son is my kids half brother and they will have a bond forever to each other.  We really never argue about every day life, we don’t agree with the rules and the way we do certain things when it comes to my SS.  We argue and yes sometimes it gets heated and bad, but we get over it after a while. Sometimes it takes longer then others.  But I don’t think we have ever argued about anything that a typical person would argue about. I think that if we didn’t share the same husband, and our kids were not related, we would NEVER fight.  We would be boring friends lol.  But with that being said, a lot of families don’t talk about their issues with the child/ren.  Me and her after we calm down we talk about it, and figure out a way to deal with it.  If blended families would just stop and think about the kids I think their would be more mixed families getting along.  God plays a big role in our lives as well, and we all go to church together and spend a lot of time together.

What about the ex husband/husband.  In the beginning he didn’t like that we were becoming friends, but I didn’t really care to be honest.  I was doing it for my SS and myself.  He was more concerned that she was going to break up our family and I would cheat on him etc…Funny how he was the one who broke our family and not her. If it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I would have done through all of this.  She has been there for me with all the frustration and the tears, and the anger.  I know that I will always have a place to go it I need to. She has literally been my family here.

There is so much more to this story, and I have sat back and thought about starting up a ministry with her on the ex vs. new, but just not sure if people would take us serious and hot to do it.  I just think God brought us into each others lives for a reason and I also feel like it may be to help others out there struggling to get along with each other after a divorce….

Excuses

Sometimes I feel like i’m drowning and don’t know how to get out.  I have prayed and prayed about my kids and my marriage and my life.  My kids are so confused about everything, that i’m sure it effects the way they act as well.  I have excuses for not doing what I need to do.  Here’s my reasons:

• Depressed
• Tired
• My life is falling apart
• Don’t want to deal with it
• There are worse kids
• Their half brother acts that way
• Their dad doesn’t discipline them so why should I?
• They will grow out of it
• Just don’t want to deal with life
• I will get to it later
• I’m too strict
• I’m with someone else and they think its ok so screw it….
• I don’t want to explain to them anymore why they can’t do it but their half brother can

Those are my reasons behind not raising my kids properly.  However; when it comes to school, I am strict and I handle business.  Shouldn’t I be that way no matter what?

My daughters fight a lot now, and when I say fight I mean punching, pushing, kicking, biting, etc…Their father tells them to stop and that they are to love each other and not fight.  To treat each other with respect, and if one says something to the other to ignore them and walk away. Wow he should tell himself that when we are fighting.  That whole practice what you preach thing….:)  But he is right they should and so should I when we are fighting. They fight hard, because him and I fight hard as well.  But when my girls fight they go for blood.  I have been stopping that and telling them NO!!!  However; it is hard when people encourage it and turn it into a joke.  I use to fight with my brother, but never like that. I think for one I was scared of my brother, and I knew he could hurt me, he’s got 5 years on my and he 6’2 or something and i’m 5’5.  He never really hit me, my girls are 2 years and 1 week apart in age.  So they are close to each other.   It is just hard, because I want them to love each other and have kind hands. So now i’m trying to figure it out.

I know a lot of the anger they have is because of me and their dad, and its upsetting them and they are acting out.  They don’t know why mommy and daddy fight, and why mommy doesn’t love their daddy anymore.  I’m not sure if they ever will know.  But they just want us all to be happy and they know that i’m not.  Growing up I never knew when my parents were mad at each other, they NEVER fought in front of us.  They kept a lot from us, which I think was good and why we love people.  We didn’t grow up in a home of anger, my kids are growing up in a home with anger.  And as a parent I need to change that for them.

Life sucks!!!!  I have to change for them and for me…Not sure how to do so yet, but I have to.  I’m still praying about that one. I have a few thoughts, but I have to make sure that its what I really need to do….

Kids, Parents and God

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

REFLECTION: If you train your children in Godliness they’ll likely not depart from it. If you don’t train your children up in Godliness, they’ll likely not depart from ungodliness.

I have been thinking a lot lately about family devotions and my kids.  I am failing as a mother when it comes to my kids and God.  Yes, I take them to church, and I love them, however; I don’t train them the way I should.  I will start and then I get into my mood where I just don’t care, or I blow up over the smallest things and realize what am I doing?  I step back and think no this isn’t right.  God plays a big role in my life, however, he’s been playing a small role lately.  I try my hardest at times to step back and think about what I’m doing and how I’m not obeying God’s word.  I know it is NEVER to late to change and with change it takes time.  But what about my kids?  If I am to influence them and I’m failing what will happen to them?

I have realized that I have 3 sometimes 4 kids.  Yes, I say sometimes because I am a step mom and we don’t have him everyday.  This last month October I didn’t get him for 3 weeks, he went out-of-town with his mom and they went on our weekend which was fine.  My family came down, so it all ended up working out for all of us.  But those 3 weeks I didn’t have him, my kids personality and attitude was so different, they had respect, if I told them not to do something  they didn’t do it for the most part.  Remember my kids are 7, 5 and 1.  My step son is 11.  They are kids, not perfect, but good.  They didn’t really stress me out too much, they tested me, but it was calm and nice. We had fun, we played, did things together, I loved it.

My children go to a Christian Private School and they learn about Jesus and his death on the cross.  So I came up with a creative way to teach my kids about sin, which includes misbehaving, disrespect and so on. I tell them, Jesus died on the cross for our sins, so that we can be forgiven.  The people threw stones, and rocks at him.  They even hit him with whips and stuff.  So every time you sin, its like your throwing stones at him and saying that his death was a joke and your laughing at him.  My youngest doesn’t really get it yet.  Well, my middle child she’s in K5 so it’s still unclear to her to a point.  However my 7-year-old gets it, and she gets up set when I tell her your throwing stones at Jesus keep it up…She looks at me and says I don’t want to do that. And I explain to her that we are not perfect, but when you intentionally do something and you keep doing it your making a mockery of his death.  She started to get it.

However; I noticed this past weekend I had my stepson, and it was like their attitude changed for the worst.  I was like what just happened to my kids?  I don’t get it, they didn’t listen no matter what I did.  They were disrespectful, they laughed at me, and they fought harder than ever.  Well, after the weekend I sat down to talk to my oldest about why.  She tells me the truth and says, he doesn’t listen and respect his mom, he tells her that and nothing ever happens, he still acts the same and gets whatever he wants, so why do I have to listen?  Wow, that hit me hard.  So I told her, I’m not his mom, if he doesn’t want to respect her and she’s ok with it, then that is on them.  However, your mom will NOT tolerate it.  Plus God doesn’t like that. God says that you are to OBEY your mom and dad.  Not be like your sibling.  My daughter really has a love for Jesus, and I am sooo happy for it.  She just doesn’t get that you have to be you, not be like everyone else.  Do what is right, not what is wrong.

 I use to do devotionals with my kids, I need to do it again just been lazy, and need to go buy a few books.  But if you are doing the bible and devotionals, but your kids are not changing do you push it and do it even though they are doing to make you happy, but they could care less?  My oldest loves doing it, my youngest doesn’t. So I don’t make her do it, she hears us, but isn’t involved.  I think its ok, i’m not going to shove the Bible down their throat, but how do you tell your kids to be Godly when you yourself is not?  What if your kids really just don’t care and you want to believe they do?

I know that change takes time, but when do you step back and say, this child really doesn’t care about themselves, you ,or anyone?  When is it ok to be disrespectful?  I think never!!!!  I am a strict mom to a point, more when its just me and my kids, when other people are around I tend to allow more things, which is going to stop, because i’m sure it confuses the crap out of my kids.  When I child hurts someone, do you make them say sorry when they don’t care?  I think it makes it invalid.  I always say there are some people out there that need to put there foot down and stop being a friend to their kids. Who cares if your kids get mad. They are kids let them.  Why do we have to go out of our way to make our kids happy, that’s not my job.  I was meant to lead them to the Lord, and that’s it.  Everything else is extra….I fail at that as well.

If your kids don’t respect you, and they tell you they don’t, do you continue to allow them to treat you that way?  Do you find excuses for the behavior they have? Or do you step back and say no i’m done, its going to change and mean it?  When your kids talk back to you do nothing or do something?  If they act like babies just really to get a reaction out of you do you discipline for it or ignore it?

I see this stuff all the time and wonder how do others handle it because the way I see it being handled is not working out for these people….You can fake the funk, but the funk will slip back through the doors and the truth will always show its face.

Blank

I feel blank

Unable to think

Unable to speak

Is there a reason to be here?

Divorce may be what is important

God why me?

Unsure how to feel

Depressed

We are in the same house, but yet I fell alone

Separate lives

Unable to become one

Silence is what we have

Unhappy

Why go on?

No trust

No love

Fear….

Is there a point in this?

Where do we go from here?

My kids are my reason

They need me

They love me

Is that enough?  (I think so)

Their smile, makes me smile

They are my reason for living….

What happens when they grow up and leave?

What becomes of a broken hearted mom?

I am just blank!!!!

What Everyone Wants But Few Experience

There is something everyone wants more than money. There is something everyone desires more than fame. In the quiet place of every human heart, lives this universal desire:

Transformation.

Everyone wants the ability to change. If we experienced change based on intentions or desire, we’d all be who we want to be. But that isn’t the way transformation takes place. You can’t buy it. You can’t wish it into existence. You can’t be famous enough to attain it. Your intentions will never be good enough to make it happen. Transformation is illusive. Everyone wants it, but few experience it.

Most of us don’t struggle with new sins. There aren’t brand new temptations you’ve never experienced before that threaten to take you out all at once. We get caught up in the same few sins over and over and over again.

If you’re anything like me, your response to your most repeated sin is, “That was the last time.” 

• That was the last time I use that credit card
• That was the last time I talk to my wife like that
• That was the last time I cuss at my kids
• That was the last time I look at porn
• That was the last time I flirt with my co-worker
• That was the last time I hide that purchase from my husband

“That was the last time” become our famous last words.

Why don’t we change? Why do we repeatedly make promises that we have every intention of keeping, but don’t? Why do we desire to be different but only experience incremental transformation?

Here are three things I’ve seen in my own life that have prevented me from experiencing transformation.

1. Sin Management

There have been seasons in my life that I’ve convinced myself I can manage my sin. I can deal with it. It’s not that big of a deal. No one is getting hurt. No one knows about the secret struggles I have. I can handle it. I can stop anytime I want. Transformation only takes place in our heart as we submit all our life to Christ. Keeping parts of our heart hidden, trying to manage our sin puts a lid on the amount of change we are capable of experiencing.

2. Insecurity

What keeps most of us from changing and has held me back so many times in my life is my own insecurity. What will others think about me? If I admit I”m in debt, what will people think? If I confess my porn issue, how will my friends react? If I seek help for my anger management issues, that will change others’ perception of me. Insecurity causes us to pretend that we are more put together than we really are. Fake people don’t change. Insecurity always kills transformation.

3. Pain Avoidance

I like avoiding pain more than I like change. Change usually always requires pain. In fact, most of the seasons of transformation in my life have been initiated by tremendous pain or discomfort. Personal failure; Financial hardship; job transition; marriage problems; relationship issues. When begin to value avoiding pain more than we value transformation, we are guaranteed to stay the same.

I bet you want to change. You want to be different. I know that is the desire of your heart. You want a different marriage. You wish your relationship with your kids was different. You want to stop whatever it is you can’t stop. I do too.

Transformation is possible. There is a cost involved upfront…but the payoff is priceless.

—Refine us

Do you think that if a man or woman cheats they can really change?  I often wonder that myself how someone can say it was a mistake when it lasted for almost 3 months.  That was not a mistake, that was a choice.  How do I know that he will NEVER do it again?  I have so many thoughts in my head and just left with a big ?.  The confusion of what to think, feel, see and believe is overtaking my brain.  I am not sure if I believe in him, in us, in our family.

Change is a hard thing to do and can only be accomplished with God, so if you don’t have God can you change?  Do I believe he’s only cheated on my with one home wrecker?  I don’t know, but I don’t think so, just because he did it without fear, without a care in the world, would someone be like that if they only did it once?  I am not sure….I’m confused….

Being a mom of 3, 2 girls and a boy makes me realize what I want for my kids and I want my daughters to find a man NOTHING like their father and my son to be NOTHING like his dad.  And it is sad, because growing up myself, I would see my dad and think wow I want to marry someone like him.  My mom would even say things like your daddy is a good man, find someone like him, and I look at my husband and I think I want my kids to marry nothing like him, or be like him.  If they do turn out like him, it will break my heart.  Does that make me a bad person?