Therapy

So I went to my first therapy appointment.  I obviously have a lot going on in my head.  She told me that I had a lot of issues going on in my head, and that I need to work through them.  We talked about my marriage, the affairs we both had and why we did it.  She also told me that just because a man cheats doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it just means that he didn’t respect his marriage enough at the time to not cheat, because the marriage was empty, it was dead, especially if I was telling him that I hate him, he disgusted me, that the sight of him makes me want to kill myself.  Any man would run into the arms of another female, especially if on top of all that I refused to have sex with him.  And that the fact that another man was telling me sweet things that made me feel beautiful, wanted, needed, and appreciated is what led me to another man.  I have to agree with her on all aspects of it.

She told me that we could fix our marriage, it will be a ton of work, and it will be hard, but it can happen. She did tell me, that not only do I need therapy so does my husband. He needs to learn to fix what’s broken instead of allowing it to get so bad that he and/or I run to another person to fulfill our needs.  And then on top of that we both needs marriage counseling together.  So I did speak to him about it, and we both agree that we should do about 6 months separate from each other, to learn about ourselves, our needs, and our wants in life, in marriage etc….And then find someone to do it together.  Because even though we can walk into it now, we need to find ourselves first. I have to figure out me, who I am again before I can even begin to worry about my marriage. I have learned, not to be so evil when it comes to my marriage, but I still can’t and won’t say I love you.  Though she told me I need to, I can’t say it.

She also told me that I have to get out of bed and that will help me.  But the more I become accustomed to hiding out in my blankets the worse that I will become. I have to say, since Friday, I have NOT stayed in bed, I have been cleaning like crazy, but hey what can I do, it became obvious to me, that if I don’t change soon, my kids are going to end up hating me. And that is the last thing that I want to do.

She also told me that I am a prisoner in my own head.  That my mind has become its own.  That the “whore” has moved into my head and refuses to leave. I say this because, I can be sleeping, and in my dream I can be having the time of my life, and she will appear in it, and I will wake up and want to punch my husband in the face.  Even though he didn’t have anything to do with my sleep.  I can sit here laughing, having fun, and she will appear in my mind, and my anger turns into a rage.  She said that I have to retrain my mind, to get it to stop causing me to see things that I obviously have never seen, and to let go, not forget but to get it out of my mind.  She diagnosed me with something I just can’t remember what it was called.  I have to admit she was right. She also said I was OCD, that I go to the extreme and play stuff over and over again.  Maybe not to the point where if I don’t I will lose control, but that my actions show a sign of OCD.  Even though it will take time, she said it will get better, and obviously by me coming to her to get help is a big step and saying I have lost control of my life.

She is extremely nice, and honest with me.  She doesn’t make me feel like I’m completely right and he was completely wrong. She lets me know that yes he was wrong in this and that, but I was wrong as well.  So that Is a plus in my book.  I think that in time my eyes will open and I will see what is best for me and my kids.  Rather its to stay with my husband or not.  This will help me clear my head, but no matter what I have to forgive him, and I just don’t know how to do that either.