I sit back and think how many people really know me? I don’t think many people really know me and what I am about. What I believe in and what I like. I use to think that those that has known me most of my life would know me the best, but I have realized no one really knows me. Is it because I lose trust in people to fast, or is it because I’m tired of being betrayed that I don’t fully open up to others? When I do decide to open up to someone they tend to talk to much or tell people things that are not meant for them to tell, rather they find it important or not. I think I don’t even know who I am any longer. I have lost who I am these past 9 years of my life and I need to find me again. But I’m not sure where or how to start?
I have friends and family who really think they know, but they have no idea the things that go through my head, the life that I lived and to be where I am today is a shocker. I know people think they know me, but they don’t know why I am the way I am, what really shaped me to be the person I was and the person I became. What is sad is that when I think I can open up to someone, or express my true thoughts, or things that have happened to me or my marriage, they tell other people. From my childhood to my husband’s infidelity. When I come to people I expect them to respect me and not tell anyone, yes, some people will ask if its ok to tell their spouse, or whoever it is, and I tell them yes because they have been through it, seen it, or did it themselves and can help me with it or just give me advice on my down days. But I haven’t been telling anyone anything lately because I don’t trust anyone anymore. The things I do say or tell others, are things that are on the surface and not what my heart is feeling or going through at that moment. What a way to live? This may be why I have become so emotional lately, and the small things upset me or makes me cry is because I have everything bottled up inside of me. I know that it is not good to hold things inside, but what do you do when you don’t trust anyone because they talk? I think I need to find a therapist that will really listen and read between the lines and give good advice instead of what do you think if you….I don’t know what I think that’s why I am here….
Do people really know my heart and where my faith is right now? Just because we don’t agree on certain things, because maybe you only know some of the story, or we were raised differently, or because you wouldn’t do it that way or wouldn’t care, does that make me wrong? Does that mean you have the right to think less of me as a person? Should I be ashamed of what I think or believe and maybe not come to you ever again?
I have always been the person that people would come talk to and I would listen and give my advice if wanted, and was always honest with it, and never judged them or was harsh. I believe that in any situation if you talk about it and turn to God you can work through it rather its work, friendship, relationships, childcare, family, or life itself. I also believe that when you find your “go to person” that person should NEVER violate your trust and should always be honest with you and try to be positive in the best way possible without being negative. But then again that is me. I think that honesty is best and people shouldn’t make excuses for their actions or the reasons they or others are the way they are or to turn it around and say other people do …. as well. It is invalid because we are not talking about other people we are talking about this situation we are in so why try to make it seem better because others do it as well. It doesn’t, it makes it worse because you refuse to open your eyes and see the problem you have and refuse to fix so you want to take it off of you. I am not a person to say well, this happened but oh well, look what this person over there did, or etc…it doesn’t make it right and I still have to look inside my heart and fix it.
I do believe there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I just need to stop running from it and start heading towards it. I am me and I am the only one who can fix me, with the help of God. So when I am silent or not talking it’s because I’m working it out in my head and in my heart. And not that I am blogging again, I guess to all the people who read my blog and at times leaves me a message about their thoughts are just words of encouragement, but don’t know me so they can’t really judge me as a person, maybe my situation, but not me. Those of you who know me, may judge me, but that’s ok, because eventually my eyes will open up and I will weed out the negative people in my life and if that means I’m standing alone, I would rather be alone then with a bunch of people who really don’t have me and my best interest at heart or will betray me every chance they get. I know this last part is a tad bit harsh, but I have so much inside my head and my heart that I’m now vocalizing it and I’m not sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings or anger anyone. This is my thoughts and my emotions and my walk.
God has a plan 
I completely understand. I relate to all you have written here. All of my life God has not allowed me to rely on anyone but Him. While I understand these benefits, at times I have asked Him to please send me one or two trusted friends. That see, hear, and help, the way He does. But haven’t found them yet. The world has been predesposed by Satan to destroy me from day one. I am very thankful for my relationship with God though. It is everything, He is everything! Without Him I would be dead. With Him, I am understood COMPLETELY, and I am NOT alone. I live under attack, unjustly, daily. While the a users in my life (second husband 5 affairs, and enough deception and lies to disable the strongest believer) are victimized by almost all those we know (family) My mother, who is just now learning to trust God instead of controlling her life, just blamed me again. Although I was angry after the phone all at first, God always shows me, they just aren’t equipped to understand. They don’t listen and follow the Holy Spirit to encourage. They basically see as them selves, and let the criticism roll. I pray God keeps me. My only fear is staying with my husband, if God doesn’t want me too. So far He is saying stay. I would typically believe that I am conditioned because of 45 years of not mattering to family, and others, and them being ALL that matters. But I don’t believe it because I have sought truth and wisdom most of my life. And from 23 on have constantly sought healing, revealing, direction, death to my “self”. So I believe I am listening, I believe I am obedient to death. I am unique. I am understanding Christ more through every trial. And trusting God wholeheartedly. Wouldn’t trade what I have with Him for anything I have, or will go through. I have compassion for all those around me that choose to live impulsively due to the fear in their lives. Praying they can too trust God and His love and plan for them one day. But often wonder if they will make it. There is a definate lack of knowing right from wrong. Deception is strong in these individuals. They see me as themselves, and they are “very good” as they see it. So I pray God, nay I boldly, fervently, and frequently, ask God to protect me from the deception of the enemy. God has healed my heart and mind of a spirit which the world would term as PTSD (post traumatic, stress, disorder) I was under MAJOR oppression from the enemy, by way of my husbands infedelities, lies, and the non reality he lives in. God has drawn a line between me and my husband to protect me. On my husbands last 5 month affair (he moved out) I spent hours a day, in the presence of God, and the Word. He did soooo much during that time, even in the midst of my husbands vile acts. Doesn’t sound possible. But that is who we serve. The God of the impossible! I may have to walk most of this journey here on earth without humans, but I will not be alone!