I Have Opened My Eyes

I have sat back and really started thinking about my heart, my life, my mind.  I have realized that a lot of my anger isn’t because of me, but because i’m sooo worried about what everyone else thinks about me, do people think i’m stupid for staying with my spouse after the affair?  I am so worried that if we do work out, that my “friends” will talk about me, say i’m stupid, think i have no self-respect.  Will think low of me, so i feel like i shouldn’t even attempt to work on my marriage, because everyone else thinks it is unforgivable what he did.  Why do I care?  I have never been that person who cares what anyone thinks about me, why now?  I think all my life i have been very strong-headed and felt like who cares if i have friends, or if people like me, and now it’s like what others think matters.  The fact that i have kids doesn’t help, but i know that i am looking at all this wrong.   I need not worry about what everyone else thinks because in the reality of it is that if they are truly my friends, they will respect my opinion and choices.

I have been so lost for so long, that i am not sure were to go rather it be right or left.  I have been looking at my inner self to figure this out.  I have so much anger inside of me, but i have come to realize that it’s because i do allow others to get into my head, and let them make the decisions for me or makes me feel like i deserve better than what i have.  I do deserve better, but then is it that he never loved me?  I think he did, i just think we were at such a low point in our marriage, that if this never happened, we would have walked away or killed each other (not literally).  I think that maybe this has opened our eyes to reality.  Nothing in life is perfect, and though we all make choices rather good or bad, we made them.  Does every deserve forgiveness?  If you ask God yes they all do.  Does everyone deserve a second chance?  That i’m still lost on and am not sure about.  But i do have to figure this out on my own, without the influences of others feeding into my heart.  I need to figure out how to tell people if they want to talk bad about him, then to just keep it to themselves.  If they are around and the two of us are together and he grabs my hand or i hold his hand, don’t look at it with disgust.  Respect my decision on attempting to work on my marriage.  Don’t say that you hope we work our, or you believe we will and then be negative about it, or make me feel like a complete dumbass for trying.

I heard this song and feel in love with it so i wanted to share it with you, and this is also how i feel the beginning of the song, i want to feel like the middle to end of the song.

Challenge

Well, i can say i failed miserably.  Day one i did great, i didn’t say anything negative, i kept positive, it was hard, but i did it.  However, he worked all day so it was easy not to have to deal with him.  On Tuesday he was off, and i was off, i had a sick baby, so being home with him, the rage came out of me and i just got ugly.  I couldn’t be nice, on Wednesday, it was the same.  I can’t be nice, or maybe i just don’t want to be nice to him.  I realize that when he’s around i’m mad and angry and just want to go crazy.

I asked my kids last night what they thought about me and daddy living separate i have a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old.  My oldest daughter told me no, that we can’t go separate ways, because she has to have her mommy and daddy.  She needs us together and not separate, i then asked my youngest and she said i want to live with you mommy and not daddy.  So it just showed me the difference in their personalities.  So it makes it harder for me to walk away when my oldest is like NO.  What do you do, i have to figure this all out.

I have realized last night sitting down with him watching tv that he is very negative towards me. He never says anything nice to me, and he constantly puts me down.  He says he joking, but i don’t think he is.  I have gotten into a really dark place with him, and the fact that he put me down during the affair, to her and trashed me to her, just validates it all.  I have never been in a place where i’m just fed up with everything and just want out.  I usually am happy no matter what, but these past few years have been by far the worse.  I am just over it all and realized that when he’s home, i sit on my phone playing games, or hanging out on FB, just because i don’t want to deal with him.  What does all that mean?  I think that i am 90% sure that my marriage is not going to work out, and that it’s over.  I just need that extra 10% to show its face, because i am seeing that he’s not willing to change, he still wants to live like he’s single and free and that’s just not going to work for me anymore.  I am still going to do my challenge, i have to start over with day 1. I have to do that tomorrow, because its 9:43am and i failed already.  The minute i got home from taking my youngest to school, i got upset and ran my mouth.  So tomorrow is a new day, and will start then.  I just really have to something…..Just not sure what that is yet….

My 30 day challenge

I heard this song the other day on the radio.  And it touched me. I figured i would share it to those who want to listen.

So i have decided to attempt to do, NO i will do this challenge. I have sat back and realized that i am miserable, and i’m wanting my husband to change it, but after really thinking about it and just talking to God, i have to change it.  No matter what he does if i’m not happy with me, then nothing is going to make me happy.  So i have decided to work on me and my marriage, rather he changes or not, at least i can try to change for me, and if we decide not to work this out, i will be a better wife, or woman to another man because i learned about myself and how to allow God to work in my life.

Challenge 1:  Keeping my mouth shut. This is the hardest one for me. I tend to let my thoughts and emotions get the best of me. I will run my mouth or text him mean messages, or messages about him cheating or the things he has done to me.  Things he did when he cheated, or i will compare me to her, when in reality, why? I am a better person then she will ever be, i have morals and she doesn’t.  Why would I ever put myself down that way?  However, i know its my own insecurities.  So it has to STOP!!! 

I know that i haven’t been blogging a lot lately, i have really been sitting back and doing some soul-searching within myself, and i’m trying to figure out who i am again.  Blogging did great, but i really needed to just work on myself.  So stepped away for a bit, but i’m back to blog about my life, my marriage, and just working through it, but i am ready to allow God to work in my life, my marriage and everything else in my life.