I figured I would go ahead and blog one more time today. I just want to make a few things very clear, when it comes to my feelings. I am still very angry at the fact that my husband had an affair, I have not truly forgiven him and I have not allowed him to be off the hook. This affair has opened my eyes to reality of life and marriage, no marriage is perfect, marriages have issues some are minor some are huge mind happens to be huge. I do not have any trust in my husband at all, the trust that I had in him was lost, I have so little trust in him that I have a tracker on his phone I have access to his phone as far as seeing who he texts, who he calls, what he downloads on his phone etc. I am still very angry with him and everyday is a struggle for me and everyday I sit back and ask myself is my marriage worth keeping or is it better to leave? I have gone through 2 / 3 ministers, counselors, and tons of prayers. My decision to stay with him is not just the benefits of my children, but it’s also because this is my second marriage and I doubt it to myself that I would not walk away from this marriage no matter what and that it was in till death do us part. However my anger and feeling invalid in this marriage makes me think twice about my decision. I struggle with it every single day like I stated earlier because sometimes I feel like me staying makes me look weak, makes me look stupid, but then I realize that I’m more concerned with way the outside is thinking about me, rather than my heart, my family, my children and the Lord above. Regardless if I stay or leave I am always going to be a strong person. If I stay with my husband it is because I feel like our marriage is worth fighting for and that I see a true change in him, if I’m honest with myself in my heart I truly do not believe he will ever cheat on me again. He has too much to lose if he does, between the children, me, his house, his belongings common and his family. As well as I will cost him his job! And also I really think that he loves me enough to value our marriage the to go cheat on me, there is no guarantee that he will not cheat on me but I believe that he has learned a life lesson that will make him think twice before ever doing it again. My children respect me rather I stay or rather I leave but I was reading an article where a woman stayed with her husband who had a child and at the end her her children told their mom that they respecting her for staying rather then leaving like all their friends parents did when 1 of them cheated on the other. The impact of this affair will hurt my children one day, because I will not be able to hide this from them for the rest of their life. However 2 things will come out of this that forgiveness can happen with the help of God as well as any marriage can survive any kind of storm that comes its way. With lots of work you can make it work however if I choose to divorce my husband they will at least know that I tried everything I could to make it work but that the damage was too severe to fix and my anger was too great to let go. My children will know love from me, their father, and anybody else that is in their life. My children will always know that they were wanted by both of us rather they were created by mistake or by accident. That they will always be loved by us and wanted by us no matter what and that is the strongest gift you can give your children is to know that they are loved by both parents and that they are are the world to us no matter what happens between the 2 of us.
I am in a fragile state of mind right now and people think I’m naive to the reality of what has happened, I am fully aware of what took place with my husband I did not know this girl personally nor do I ever care to meet this person or even be friends with her. I have no care in the world for her or her illegitimate child. I believe in Carmen and I believe that karma will come back 1 day and bite her in the butt but it will be on due time. The only person I feel sorry for are the children that are involved in this mine and hers, her child will never know the love of a father he will never know the value of family, her mother has been married several times and children by several men, her stepfather does not see the big deal with a person sleeping with married men or women that shows their morals, they have none. Her son will grow up in an atmosphere where there is no values in family and that carry at a home is okay. She is so angry that she blames my husband for everything when he does nothing because he just flat out does not care about her or that child. People can judge him and say he is a deadbeat dad because he walked away from his responsibility he told her the day he found out he wanted nothing to do with her or that child. She chose to keep him. I do not see my husband as a bad person because women walk away from their responsibilities all the time by having an abortion and nothing is said or done about that. Are they give their children to their parents to raise for them so they can go out and party like she does. All she wanted for my husband is money so she did not get him he pays his child support because he has no choice because she’s a low life loser with no morals or self respect. My anger is there with her because she will not admit wrong doing I have said this in many of my blogs. I am also not the type of person that will go after a man who told me he does not want my children I would not go after him for a penny but that is just me.
But the main point of this blog is so that everyone understand that my marriage is not fixed it is still broken. That I struggle everyday with the values of marriage and I struggle with staying or leaving. I have been angry at God for this, asking him why? What did I do to make my life to deserve this punishment? I have cried, I have yelled, I have screamed at God for this. But in the end it is God that allows all things to happen, and it is God who has a bigger plan for me. So I put my faith in him and I am allowing him to determine where my life is going to go. But for the last time in this blog I am going to say that I am still mad, I am still angry, I still have days when I want to beat the living crap out of my husband! But I have days when I look at him and I think that this marriage is worth attempting to fix. My life is a roller coaster right now 1 minute its up and 1 minute its down. 1 minute I want to be with him the next I want to divorce him. The day that I wake up and God tells me what to do, which would be validation in my heart and in my mind and it will be a clear judgment will be the day I know what my decision is. It could be tomorrow, it could be 10 years later, but I will know what is best for me and my kids when the time is right. I do not want to walk out of my marriage and in 3 years regret what I did when I know that wr could have worked, yes I am afraid that I could stay in my marriage and in 5 years regret staying married to him when I could have left, but if I leave I am NOT looking to get into another relationship. I am looking to raise my children and to be happy with them. I do not need a man in my life to make me happy, or satisfy me. I can do it on my own with or without a man. I just have to make sure that I am doing what is right by me and God. I really hope that this blog answers any in our concerns that people have when it comes to my emotions are my thoughts in my marriage and where it stands. It is still broken!
God has a plan 