Unrequited Love: “If i didn’t love him so much i couldn’t tolerate the way he treats me”
This isn’t my issue, my issue is that he still treats me like crap and i haven’t figured out how can a man treat a whore with respect and go out of their way for her, but yet treats his wife like his doormat. I am at a point, where i don’t really believe that i do love him, and almost 90% sure that our marriage isn’t going to work. I am worth more than i have allowed myself to believe. A man who cheats on his wife and then continues to treat her like crap after finding out about the affair, he doesn’t care about you. That is my thoughts.
Romantic Love: “I’m ready to risk everything for a person who makes me feel so happy, so loved, so alive.”
I am not happy and i really don’t feel love by my husband at all, he treats me like i’m worthless and so that of course makes me feel unhappy. I haven’t been happy in a really long time, that i don’t even remember in truth what happiness feels like. If i was to become happy, i think i would be lost and confused. I know that it’s really sad to feel that way, but its the truth. My husband in my eyes is very selfish and as long as he’s happy that’s all he cares about, and that is why a part of me thinks our marriage is over. Being that he had an affair and still acts and treats me the same. I am just not wanting to do this anymore.
Confronting your unrealistic expectations about love and marriage.
I in all reality don’t think i have unrealistic expectations, my expectations in love and marriage was simple, to honor your spouse, to be faithful, and love each other. If there are problems talk it out. I know relationships are not perfect and that we all have issues, so to me marriage isn’t that complicating its team work and its about being one not two. And as long as you are two there is never going to be a true marriage.
“Love is not static”
Confronting Your Doubts and Fears
It is best to wrestle with these concerns by yourself.
- “Now that you’ve been unfaithful, how can i trust that you won’t stray again.”
- “Are my reasons for staying strong enough?”
- “Should we stay together for our children?”
These are my main 3 questions i ask myself. In the book there are 10. My main thing is the trust. I don’t trust him and i don’t think i can. He made me look like a fool and lied to me in face everyday for 3 months with no remorse or care for me. To look at me and tell me there is no one else, and that all he wants is me and then to leave and go be with her to this day still makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t think my reasons are strong enough and i do think that i should leave. When it comes to my children like i stated the other day i think that maybe it is best for my kids to stay with their father, just because of the mental, behavioral and financial side of it all. And the fact that they get to see him all the time now, if i left they wouldn’t ever see him and if they did it would be far and few between.
In the aftermath of the affair, it’s normal to assume that love, once lost, can never be recaptured, the trust, once gone, can never be regained.
Reading on about this it ask that you look back in your marriage and not at the time of the affair or the present. I know for me it when i look at the past i don’t look at the positive and the book even talks about that and how you have to remove that and look at the good. Is there good, looking back is your marriage with saving. If i look at the past we had more bad then good, my husband never has been a husband, and to date still is not. He has NEVER kept one promise he has made to me. I think that our trust is gone and i don’t think it will ever come back. I think its to late and its too much to stand on. I fell out of love with him when i was pregnant with my first daughter and she is 7 years old. So what does that mean? Can we ever love each other? I don’t feel like we will.
Tomorrow we will talk about my number 1 and other things in this blog.
Your thoughts are so profound, and I cannot imagine how you have lived for so long feeling this way. God would have to do a miracle in your marriage. That doesn’t mean that you have to stay and tolerate how he is treating you. Maybe the best thing for your marriage is for a separation so he can realize what he is missing.
The saddest part of all of this is that you haven’t felt happy for so long. I am so sorry. You are worthy of love, and you deserve to be loved for who you are…all of it.
“A man who cheats on his wife and then continues to treat her like crap after finding out about the affair, he doesn’t care about you.” – I would have to agree with this. It makes sense that a Wayward Spouse would need time to process the guilt and shame of their actions (it took me about 6 months), but in your case…it sounds like he is sabotaging your relationship with his insecurity. He is pushing you away on purpose. To prove he is not worthy of your love.
I agree with everything that you are saying. I tell him all the time the words I LOVE YOU means nothing to me. It is all about actions. We are however going to see a minister at my church tonight and go from there and see what he thinks and what to do from this point on. Because the way we are going our marriage is doomed.
I understand this FULLY in a different context, but it is all the same. I grew up wiht a mother who used her WORDS.
I got sick of words. I couldn’t even feel them. I didn’t believe them. And I started to resent them. Which made me feel guilty, because surely if she’s telling me she loves me that means it’s true. So what was my problem? Why couldn’t I feel it?
I admire the fact that you are beyond me in that you KNOW it is not your fault. You KNOW that you deserve more. And you KNOW what you need:
more than talk.
It’s okay to give up sometimes. As long as you’re giving up to God and not to Satan. Do you know what I mean? Giving it over to God to deal with…it’s really out of your control anyway. God is the only one who can process this miracle this time. You’ve done all that you can.
But if there is 10% left of hope…don’t let Satan get his hands on it to destroy it. Guard, cover, shield the deposit that God made in you. The promise he gave you. The hope that might be left. The flicker.
Keep following in His footsteps and let Him lead you. He never once asked you to control your husband. You simply can’t make him treat you the way you need to be treated. Only God can conduct a transformation of that depth.
I think for me, its me not giving it to God and i haven’t really fell to my knees and asked God to take over it. I am very selfish and i don’t know how to let things go. you are correct i can’t control him, and i am realizing that he’s his own person and he’s going to do what he wants no matter what i say or how i feel. I just feel like when a person is sorry for hurting someone they love they go out of their way to show that person, if that means walking the ends of the world you do it. I guess i’m a romantic person in heart, but just don’t have anyone to share it with. I look back at things which i will blog on, that i wish i could have changed, or did differently.
Actually, in most circumstances, when a person is sorry (and subsequently forgiven), they don’t have to serve penance for what they did because they have been forgiven. They feel free. Their new motivation in the relationship is expressed out of JOY for having been forgiven.
If they are serving penance because they are continually begging for forgivness, there may come a point where they feel hopeless. Like they are working for a moving target…something they will never achieve.
If he is not working towards your target, you should ask yourself how far away it is. It is easy to get discouraged when you are already feeling guilt and shame. The load is heavy. And it SHOULD BE.
But once forgiven, the journey should look different. If God’s forgiveness required additional WORK from us, how could we ever live up to his standards of perfection? We are but a broken people…
How can you forgive him when you are filled with your own personal regret and haven’t even forgiven yourself for things that you could never have attained? Let God do a work on your heart. Let him melt you. Will you trust him to help?